To ask if anyone knows who, or how, to help my sister?

[helpformysisterplease]

She is 28. I don't see her very often as live overseas. However we speak a lot on the phone and email.

She has always been chubby but over the past year or so this has got really bad. She eats more than I have ever seen anyone eat. Literally, stuffs her face with food. She'll have a full breakfast, hot cooked lunch, and a whole pizza for dinner. Plus crumpets, crisps, chocolate throughout the day.

She is not the easiest person and has some anger issues, problems with drink, etc. She can become very aggressive so people are scared to approach her about anything.

When I saw her this summer she had ballooned even further. I almost burst into tears when I saw her. She is not curvy, or overweight, she is now obese. She must be about a size 22. She admitted about a year ago she'd been weighed at the gp and was 14 stone (she's only about 5.1) so must be more than that now.

She has brief moments where she'll admit there is a problem then will somehow convince herself that it's in hand - she'll cut out drink, or dairy, or squeeze herself into a size 14 dress, and tell herself that it's all fine now. She'll also regularly tell us she's lost loads of weight, then when we see her she hasn't. She has got rid of all the mirrors in her house so she doesn't have to face up to her own image.

I want to help her so much. It is horrible to see her like this. She has never had a real boyfriend. She is very unhappy and takes ADs. But she has absolutely no will power or self control , lives alone, and there is no way she will stick to any sort of diet or exercise plan - we (parents and I) have tried everything - paying for gyms (she goes for a week or so) and exercise equipment, talking to her about healthy eating, encouraging her - never works. This isn't meant to sound patronising to her but I think she almost needs to go and live in a boot camp for 4 weeks as it's the only way she'll lose weight. I also think if she did lose the weight and saw that she could do it and saw how nice it feels to be slim she would keep it off.

I am so frightened for her. I read an article yesterday about the dangers of obesity - I don't want to lose her to a stroke or heart attack or cancer before she's 40! Please don't think I am controlling, I just really want her to help her, she is not happy like this.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Or recommendations? She lives in London.

www.facebook.com/groups/376902025707531/?fref=ts

When/if she is ready then then group and the hypnosis app is good. It addresses the emotional issues related to food.

You didn't say in your first post that you only bring up her weight when she does first.

I suggest you focus on other areas, her anger and depression and offer help based on that - gentle enquiries about going to the GP, getting some counselling etc.

I don't know where you read in my post I overeat either I've lost weight because I'm under eating

Op, i can relate to what you are going through. But i have to echo what a few other people have said upthread - YOU can't do anything. The only person who can help is your sister.

I've known my best friend since we met on our first day of high school age 12. Well over 10 years. She's always been overweight. By the time she was 15, she was into the obese category and is now into the morbidly obese category. She's 5ft 3 and a size 28 (which is starting to look tight these days).

She's definitely not depressed though. She's 'loving life' as she puts it. She has zero confidence around men though and has never been in a relationship. She had sex last year with some random guy from a nightclub 'just to get it out the way' as she felt embarrassed about being a virgin at her age.

I can relate to the 'just loving food' thing. My friend loathes fruit and veg and this is why she has never attempted a healthy eating lifestyle. She says life is too short to be unhappy so she eats foods that she likes.

She works fulltime. Skips breakfast, has a hamburger for lunch from the local takeout van behind her work, and then orders a chinese takeaway each evening when she gets home. She also goes out drinking at the pub 4-5 nights a week, or will go to her friend's house for a 2nd dinner and a night long drinking session.

She doesn't do this because she's unhappy. She does this because it makes her happy. She loves eating, drinking, and socialising. She feels she would be miserable on a diet.

She has no interest in fashion and will happily live in hoodies and tracksuits outside of work. So being able to shop on the high street isn't a motivation for her.

She sits behind a counter all day for work so isn't getting exercise, and gets a taxi there and home each day.

The fact is, she just doesn't seem to want it enough to try. She bought some of those HerbaLife shakes last year but gave in after the first day because they were 'stinking'. Thank God, i thought (as i don't agree with them), and reminded her that a healthy bowl of cereal would likely have just as much cals as one of those shakes anyway.) Apart from when she brings it up - which is very rarely - we don't discuss her weight.

I'm worried sick she's going to die before we reach 40. Already she struggles to walk properly. She not even 25 yet. Her older brother and her parents are also obese. So i think my friend just doesn't know any other lifestyle. I spent a week staying at their house one summer when i was 14 and i put on half a stone!

But she is genuinely happy. Her weight doesn't seem to affect any part of her life.So she has no motivation to want to change. I think it will probably take a heart attack or similar before she wants to lose weight.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's horrible seeing someone you love slowly killing themselves and not being able to help.

The difference between your sister and my friend though is that your sister sounds as though she is very unhappy being obese. So there is hope for her. I think getting her to focus on a job/hobby she loves will help to shift her attention from food so much.

I know that when i'm feeling bored, my first instinct is to reach for dd's sweetie tub. Now though, i write short stories for dd in the evenings when i have nothing to do.

Not quite the same as your sister, as i don't have depression, but i think it's important to focus on the positives - things that will lift her mood - rather than the negatives - things that bring her mood down.

Hiya. I'm afraid you can't help her as such, not with the weight or the eating.

What you CAN do is focus on HER, herself, no her weight or her habits. The more she perceives that you/her other family are looking at that as the problem, the worse it will be.

If you talk to her and engage with her regardless of how she eats and looks, she will become stronger from that.

It is almost NEVER the food that is the issue. There will be very deep seated reasons why she is doing this. You can't take those away but you can be loving and kind and ignore (yes, ignore) the danger she is in - the only way out of it is in her hands, and she won't open that door until or unless she feels it is no one else's issue but her own.

I can also offer a story of a dear friend. When I first met her, she was morbidly obese and had been told not to expect to see 40. I have never directly nagged her to lose weight. We have, however, talked through a number of issues that she recognised were making her eat irrationally. She finally took up a number of sports, doing quite a lot of it at dead of night to start with as she was shy. She found one she loves, and has now lost half her body weight by turning her admittedly obsessive nature towards training rather than eating.

I have known her 10 years, thats how long it has taken, but it is all the more secure now, because she owns the solution, not me.

I don't see anyone slagging you off!

They have just offered advice, which is what you have asked for.

You have decided that you don't like that advice, that's fine but you can't then jump to the conclusion that posters are slagging you off.

You asked for advice, you asked in a forum called am I being unreasonable.

YABU, purely for getting upset and offended at advice that you don't like.

She calls one of us daily and emails us constantly to talk about how depressed she is. She ruins family occasions with her angry outbursts. She is totally unhappy, so of course we need to try to figure it out, for our own sakes as well as hers!

I think you're probably being a bit too practical. She is telling you what her real problems are. She is depressed and angry. She needs to see her GP about those issues. She doesn't need solutions to the symptoms, like ways to stop being overweight, or ways to stop being lonely.

ADs weren't anything other than a stopgap for me, by the way. Lots of people find they are good in a crisis but not really a solution to managing your health long term. You need to make deeper changes for that.

Hi OP,

I could easily be your sister. Lots taller but same dress size. I have been in denial since about age 17 about my weight (now over 30). Have varied between an 18 and a 24, currently a 22, got down to a size 16 for my wedding by doing a VLCD.

The catalyst for change was getting pregnant. Have always been healthy - ie. not ill often, could walk for miles, hardly at doctors etc. Feels like from the moment of conception (not really but feels like it!) have had health issue after health issue - thyroid, high bp, borderline result for diabetes, back pain, knee pain etc etc. It was/is shite. I ate healthily during preg and was a stone lighter post-preg. Started Slimming World 2 weeks ago and have lost half a stone.

I was kidding myself that I had no ill effects from being obese other than not fitting into clothes. I can't lie to myself any longer, am showing the consequences of too many years of snacking and pigging out. I have my baby to think about now.

What bugs me most is the tone people take with me re my weight. EG, a family member was constantly saying "I could never do SW, far too much food for ME to eat, but it would suit YOU" - eh bugger off! Never mind that its true. Another family member says things in a much more positive manner, ie look at this beautiful dress, you'll fit into that soon.

Only suggestions I have:

Can you go to Slimming World yourself and tell her you need a buddy? I know you're not in the same country but it makes you sooo much more likely to go if you have a partner. Not sure if this is an option for you.

Has she had her thyroid checked? That might be putting ber out of kilter.

Is there anything she really wants to wear/do but cant due to her weight? DH is getting me a beautiful dress once I've lost a certain amount of weight, it is a big incentive for me. Once I hit that goal will find another piece of clothing/shoes I fancy for the next goal :)

For me, the weight did make me feel down, and unmotivated to do things instead of the other way round.

I wish you all the best, and your sister too. At SW the consultant says "Eat, you must eat and eat and eat", so if she loves food it might work for her, but she needs to come to it herself, with support from those who love her. Good luck.

I don't know if you are still reading OP but if you are I would say that you and your family actually need to stop helping her as much as you do.

That sounds cruel and heartless and it is not easy to do. But read what you have written in your posts. You have tried and tried to help her. The truth is you cannot help her. She has to help herself. But at the moment she is far too dependent on you.

She calls one of us daily and emails us constantly to talk about how depressed she is. She ruins family occasions with her angry outbursts. She is totally unhappy, so of course we need to try to figure it out, for our own sakes as well as hers!

This rings alarm bells for me. She is making everyone's lives difficult through her own issues. Have you tried not answering the phone or not responding to emails?

I think that if you tell her outright that her behaviour is not acceptable and take a step back from her and don't help her as much she will be more likely to change. At the moment she is getting masses of attention so what is her incentive to change?

OP, is there anything she likes doing, that you could do together? Someone suggested a family holiday, which might be nice if she would enjoy it, but anything where you are doing something together and both enjoying each other's company would do. Is there an evening class you could both take? Or go to the cinema once a week or something? It sounds like your relationship is in a very negative pattern which might need to be broken in order for you to be able to talk about anything constructively. It's the other side of the coin of High Jinx's suggestion - don't get drawn into all the negative stuff which sounds victim-y and self-perpetuating, but try also to replace it with a more equal and fun sisterly relationship (knowing that won't happen all at once). If you do manage to establish a more positive relationship with her, she may or may not choose to talk to you about the weight, and if she doesn't, that's her choice and should be respected. I've had lifelong issues with food and weight, and believe me, I would have run a mile from my lovely sister had she ever dared to mention the subject.

Cbt is the best thing for Binge Eating, she can ask to be referred to her local iapt service... If that is what she wants.

The only one who can help your sister is...your sister. Sad but true.

I know people have got at you for mentioning her weight to her but when I was obese it was my mum saying something that made me change myeating & drinking habits and lose weight

Sometimes the truth hurts but it can work

Have you thought about seeking some help for your own codependency issues?

As a depressive with a weight issue you need to change the way you react to her. When she brings up her weight she is really asking about her self worth. So responding naturally that you worry and that she does need to lose weight she is hearing 'you are worthless'. Accept her as she is, accentuate the positive and don't accept her poor behaviour. When she is read by she will get help. I suspect she eats tl squash the depression out.

People are saying she's overeating because she's depressed, but I think it's just as likely that she's depressed because she's overweight.

I really think overeating is a physical addiction, just like alcohol addiction or tobacco addiction. If you overeat enough, your body stops sending you the signals that you're full, so you just carry on eating. And just like other addictions, it's really hard to break, and people lie to themselves (and others) about how big the problem is.

But I do agree with others that your sister is the only person who can help herself. She has to recognise she has a problem and decide to do something about it. And she probably needs a support group of other people with the same problem.

I wonder if you would be far better off suggesting pyschotherapy to her so she has someone to discuss the things that make her unhappy and angry. Can you word it in such a way that she may find it easier to tell someone neutral about what you're doing wrong as a family that makes her so cross?