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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's trips away - Does this sound fair to you?

50 replies

Irishchic · 04/08/2013 23:27

My dh and i are not getting on at the moment, for many reasons, but mainly one of them being the fact that he been going away on jollys a lot over the last 3 months.

In the last 14 weeks he has been away 4 times. End of April 5 nights away on a golf trip in Spain. 3 weeks after that Spain trip he went on another golf trip in Donegal for two nights (We live in Northern Ireland.)

2 Weeks after that he went to London with his brothers for a concert, two full days and nights away for that.

We had a family holiday in Tenerife in July for ten days.

This weekend he has gone down south around 4 hours drive away with his younger brother and younger brothers mates to a music festival, another two nights away.

He has a good job and can afford this, so it is not as if these trips are taking food off our table.

But we have 5 kids under 13, and a very busy house. AIBU to think this amount of trips is taking the piss? He cannot see the problem. As long as he is providing ok for us, he doesnt see why he shouldnt go off as often as this.

I am a SAHM mum and have a home help a few aftenoons a week to help me with the kids and housework, so Dh thinks i have nothing to be annoyed about and am just trying to control him.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 04/08/2013 23:31

When was the last time you got to go away for a weekend with friends?

If the answer is very rarely/never, tell him you're off in a few weekends time. If it's fine for him surely it's fine for you....

Original poster
Irishchic · 04/08/2013 23:31

Btw he tells me i can go away whenever i want. I go away once a year with my mum and sister for two nights usually. I dont really want or need to go away more often than that, but even if i did, he keeps himself so busy with his own social life and trips that it is actually very hard to plan something during a time when he has no trips away or nights out planned.

I dont like going away and then when i am away he goes out on the beers and gets a babysitter to mind the kids cos he has form for getting plastered and i wouldnt actually be able to relax and trust that he is sober enough to be looking after the children.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 04/08/2013 23:33

what the previous poster said - if you never get time away they TAKE IT and if he moans he is being a huge penis.

If you don't actually say to him 'darling I think all your trips away are excessive' but just passive aggressively sulk however then YABU

5madthings · 04/08/2013 23:33

when do you get to go away?

him going away is fine as long as you get a break as well. it doesnt have to work out exactly the same, you may just want the odd afternoon off or a night out etc. but there needs to be an arrangement whereby yoy get time off as well.

also does he check the trips away are convenient or do you just have to fit into his plans.

five kids under 13 here as well and my dp is away a lot with work tho, but its bloody hard work.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 04/08/2013 23:34

Ask him how you and the children differ from hired companions/playthings/staff?
Since he can obviously only be arsed to bother with you all when it suits him. Then bill him as if you were a live in nanny providing all the childcare all the time, and for the household things you do, and tell him that if he wants sex he can phone an escort agency, then take yourself off to a nice hotel or spa or country cottage in the middle of nowhere for a couple of days without leaving him any contact details.
(Warn the children obviously, and make sure they know how long you'll be gone and when you will be back, but don't tell them where you're going so they can't let it slip out)

Original poster
Irishchic · 04/08/2013 23:34

cross posts Patricia. As i said, in theory i can go away when i want, but in practice it is not that simple. He is generous with cash and would pay for any trip i wanted, within reason, but i wouldnt take the piss anyway, but in reality, it wouldnt be fair for me to piss off on trips as often as he does as it would be the kids who would suffer, not him. He just pays for a sitter to come round it he wants to go off play golf, have a night out, whatever. I once asked him to just please commit to staying in with the kids for those two nights once a year that i might be away and he got really pissed off and accused me of being controlling.

OP posts:
makingdoo · 04/08/2013 23:37

I think it's overkill. Almost like he has forgotten they he has a family to take care off. Does he not want to do family stuff with his free time?

I'm all for each having our own down time but unless you are in your 20's Oxygen is a no no!

poorbuthappy · 04/08/2013 23:37

So actually in theory and practice it would be difficult for you to go away because you know that he wouldn't be a parent to your kids, he would pay a sitter to parent them for the weekend.

Well, huge fucking chat needed here then.
Post in Relatiomships and AnyFucker will come talk to you. Perhaps she can talk some sense into you.

Nagoo · 04/08/2013 23:42

You want him to want to stay at home with you and the children? You are on a hiding to nothing.

You can't make someone else want to spend time doing what you want them to do. I expect you are upset that he'd rather be out and away having a lovely time, and you don't understand why he isn't content being home with you and his children.

TBH if I could afford it and I knew the DC would be happy and looked after I'd vanish off on jollies all the time too. I don't because I don't think anyone can look after them and make them happy as well as me. He knows you can do it as well as, or better than him, so he can just fuck off and do what he wants, guilt free.

You might think he's missing out, but he's probably not fussed. He can pick and choose the good bits of parenting and not miss out on anything else he wants to do either.

God I'm jealous.

Original poster
Irishchic · 04/08/2013 23:43

Gordy Def no passive aggressive sulking here, have made it clear i am not happy with this, and he thinks i am being very unreasonable.

Twice in the last couple of years i went away on a two night trip. The first was a weekend with my mum and sister. Our youngest son (3)had really bad tummy bug. Dh went out with his cousin for dinner and beers, got home 1.30am. Despite checking the kids, (or so he told me) he managed to miss the fact that ds had really bad diarrhoeia in bed and had totally soiled himself right through to the mattress. Dh went to bed not noticing this as he was drunk, and only noticed it when he got up the next day, and the poor child had lay in his own faeces for around 12 or 13 hours.

Last year my mum was renovating her house and i went to stay with her for a couple of nights to help her clear out her house, a very stressful job as she is a hoarder. After a 14hour day, i rang dh to see how he and the kids were and he was in a pub, slurring his words, and had left the kids with a babysitter.

I freaked out with him, but i was a 4hour drive from home and there was nothing i could do except hope that he made it home in good enough shape to mind our children.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/08/2013 23:44

He might not think he is missing out but the kids are and the OP is and that makes him a selfish arse, imo.

If he wants to live weekends like a single man with no responsibilities, I suggest he becomes one.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/08/2013 23:45

Ditto to what poorbuthappy says.

LondonNinja · 04/08/2013 23:47

He sounds as though he has very twisted priorities. This sounds like a bit more than just his trips if I'm not mistaken? Leaving DC lying in faeces overnight is appalling.

stopgap · 04/08/2013 23:50

Sorry, but he sounds like an overgrown teenager.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/08/2013 23:50

Of course he is missing out but he doesn't realise it.
He is pissing his dw off, perhaps losing her respect and his dc will remember that Daddy was never there, it will surely affect their relationship when older.

OP what is his relationship like with his parents? Dad in particular? he sounds close to his brothers as he spends good time with them.

cacamilis · 04/08/2013 23:51

Do the two of you ever get away together, does this option even come up?
Has he always been like this or is it getting worse in the last few years?

mrslyman · 04/08/2013 23:51

I don't think it's his trips away that are the problem, it's the total lack of attention that he pays to his children that is the issue. Does he have a drinking problem?

Original poster
Irishchic · 04/08/2013 23:53

Yes it is appalling London. And yes, the kids are missing out on their dad, he missed 3 matches this weekend that his kids were in because he was away.

I am tending to agree with Youthecat that he really is a selfish arse. I have spent all weekend thinking about our marriage and there is one huge conversation to be had with him when he makes it home.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/08/2013 23:53

So it is more to do with him being alcohol dependent then ?
And that he needs a live in a nanny to look after the kids when he nominally in charge because he can't control his drinking ?

Hiring a baby sitter isn't the issue is it ? It.s that he comes back too drunk.

Wha happened during your holiday ?

See a solicitor find out your financial position were he to drop dead of drink /have a drunken accident / were you to leave him etc

Could you be independent of him, get a job ?

LondonNinja · 04/08/2013 23:56

He certainly sounds like a man with an addiction to booze - and a strong denial of what parenting is.

I'd be considering my options if I were you. Take the piss with me is one thing, but to neglect DC is non-negotiable.

cacamilis · 05/08/2013 00:00

can I just say you have your part to play in this too. You have had five kids with this man so unless this behaviour is new then you are not blameless either.

Nagoo · 05/08/2013 00:02

If he's neglecting the children because he has to go out drinking then that's what you say. It's not about going to play golf, it's that he can't step up when you need him to.

That isn't you controlling him, that's him failing to meet the basic needs of his children because he prioritises drinking over their welfare.

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 00:03

I can totally see why any time away you might get, you would not be able to relax.

I was married to an alcoholic and it wasn't until the kids were teens that I felt able to leave them (ds has severe SN).

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 00:03

What, cacamilis? Ffs it takes two you know.

Original poster
Irishchic · 05/08/2013 00:07

On occasion, probably once every 8 weeks he abuses alcohol, to the point where he goes out at maybe 9pm, and staggers home around 3am.

Once a week he can go out with his golf mates and have 3 to 4 pints and come home, he pretty much never overdoes it on these nights.

For some reason every now and again, and i never know when it will be, a night out will turn in to a session and he will get very drunk.

That is a separate issue. Even if he never had those drunken episodes i would still be pissed off at the amount of trips and weekends away he likes to take. He has a young family who are all involved in sport and extra curric stuff. He misses a lot of their matches on these weekends away.

Granted, when he is not away, he will take the kids to their sports, watch them play, and take an interest. He will sometimes take our older 3dc out to play golf and then for an ice cream after. He is not totally disinterested.

What annoys me is that i dont mind an annual golf holiday and maybe a weekend here or there during the year, but having 4 trips in a 3 month window in the busiest time of the year with the kids, as we are up to eyeballs with soccer tournaments, tennis, golf lessons etc and driving them all over the place to matches, that that level of time away puts me under a lot of pressure and is not fair on the kids as they would like their dad to be around to see them play. Plus managing 5dc is pretty hectic at the best of times and he is avoiding his responsibilities.

And yes, deep down whenever I do get away myself, a little part of me is always worried and anxious that this is going to be the weekend he gets a sitter, goes out and has one of his occasional benders, there is always that worry.

I bloody hate him for the fact that i cannot rely 100% on him to step up once a year to mind our kids so that i can have a break. Yes, he will pay for the nicest hotel for me to stay in, but cant give me the peace of mind that i need to enjoy it.

OP posts: