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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's trips away - Does this sound fair to you?

50 replies

Irishchic · 04/08/2013 23:27

My dh and i are not getting on at the moment, for many reasons, but mainly one of them being the fact that he been going away on jollys a lot over the last 3 months.

In the last 14 weeks he has been away 4 times. End of April 5 nights away on a golf trip in Spain. 3 weeks after that Spain trip he went on another golf trip in Donegal for two nights (We live in Northern Ireland.)

2 Weeks after that he went to London with his brothers for a concert, two full days and nights away for that.

We had a family holiday in Tenerife in July for ten days.

This weekend he has gone down south around 4 hours drive away with his younger brother and younger brothers mates to a music festival, another two nights away.

He has a good job and can afford this, so it is not as if these trips are taking food off our table.

But we have 5 kids under 13, and a very busy house. AIBU to think this amount of trips is taking the piss? He cannot see the problem. As long as he is providing ok for us, he doesnt see why he shouldnt go off as often as this.

I am a SAHM mum and have a home help a few aftenoons a week to help me with the kids and housework, so Dh thinks i have nothing to be annoyed about and am just trying to control him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Irishchic · 05/08/2013 00:12

Thanks all for your replies. I gotta turn in now as have to be up early in the morning to get all 5 of them over to soccer and swimming lessons. Will check back in the morning. i really need and appreciate all comments and feedback, it is helping me process my own thoughts and what i am going to say to him when he gets home.

OP posts:

stopgap · 05/08/2013 00:12

I think you need to say that you're prepared to make concessions, that "guy time" is fine, and that an annual golf trip and two weekends (maybe in spring or autumn, so as to avoid the school summer holidays) would be fine, but not all this nonsense in between.

The alcohol, of course, is a separate issue.

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 00:13

Aw Nikita, that just sounds so bloody awful.

Everyone deserves a break. But that's just too much.

cacamilis · 05/08/2013 00:14

youthecat, what I mean is if I were married to some one like this and the problems were there from the start, I would not have gone on to have five children with him. If I had realised by number one or even two he was a selfish git more interested in living the life of a single man than committing to family life I would not have subjected more children to the same, I would have been out of there. But hey there a that's me.

Littlegreyauditor · 05/08/2013 00:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If he was left in charge of my child and that child had spent hours lying in his own shit I would be dug out of him.

Selfish, irresponsible and seems to be nurturing a bit of a drink problem.

Original poster

Irishchic · 05/08/2013 00:27

Yes, he is selfish and irresponsible, there is no denying that.

Someone asked if we ever go away on our own. We used to try and get away once or twice a year for a weekend. This hasnt happened in 6 years now. We have had a couple of weekends away in the last 3 or 4 years, but they are always with another couple as he prefers that, thinks it is more craic to go away like that, means he has someone else to stay up late with, a bit of distraction and diversion, obviously just going away with me one our own is just a bit too dull for him.

A friend of his asked him if we would like to join him and his wife for a weekend abroad in October. Dh agreed without checking it with me, if he had checked with me, i would have said no thanks, i'd rather we had a weekend away ourselves, as we have been having these problems lately and maybe some time together just the two of us would help things.

But he has gone ahead and booked this and i just dont want to go. . This guy is his golfing buddy and i do like and get on with his wife but we see them every couple of weeks or so anyway out for dinner and for drinks, so dont really feel the need to have a weekend away with them.

Def off to bed now but will check back tomorow.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 00:43

Fair enough, Cacamilis. But sometimes these things creep up on you. I mean it's not so bad when there's just the 2 or 3 kids and you all rub along and before you know it there's another couple of kids, you need a hand, but your spouse thinks everything should carry on as it had when there were just 2 kids.

pianodoodle · 05/08/2013 08:19

I was still going to say YANBU before I read you had 5 children!

I know you said the alcohol is a separate issue but it is part of the reason stopping you from being able to relax if you do go away so it's very unfair.

It's harder to spot when it's "only" every couple of months but my DH would do this every couple of months too and get into a state at the most inconvenient times like when I was away for a day (first time in months) and left him with DD.

Very hard as our relationship is excellent normally but for me this was a deal breaker if I couldn't trust him not to be so irresponsible even if it wasn't weekly or daily. He has admitted he has a problem with alcohol and now goes to AA. Recently he told me he considers himself an alcoholic (without prompting from me) and he is getting help etc...

It doesn't always follow that an alcoholic needs to be drinking vodka in the morning to be one. I'm glad it turned out I wasn't making a fuss over nothing especially as we have a second baby due at Christmas.

This all happened despite the fact he didn't actually go out much at all! You have the separate issue of your DH spending quite a lot of time away for pleasure and yes I think that is selfish too. If he could be trusted properly to look after the DC while you have fun it might be a bit different...

pianodoodle · 05/08/2013 08:47

Also I'm from Northern Ireland too (but living in England now). I think there's sometimes more of a tendency in N.I towards old fashioned attitudes regarding women in the home although I know it happens everywhere.

My dad was what you would call "a typical Ulsterman" in that regard...

Even in regard to drinking IME attitudes tend to be more "they like a drink" and sweep it under the carpet rather than "they have a problem!"

cestlavielife · 05/08/2013 09:03

get some more help, like live in au pair who can drive.

but you cant make him want to be with kids more. he is choosing to be absent from them and you.

NeedlesCuties · 05/08/2013 09:46

I also live in NI >waves to OP<

What do your children say about this? Do the older ones know that their dad is doing wrong?

YANBU in any way, shape or form. No matter how much ££ your husband has, if he isn't supportive to you and your DC then he needs to have a word with himself and buck up his ideas.

Don't let him twist it onto you and for him to make you think that the issue is with you.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 05/08/2013 10:43

sounds like you really are drifting apart here. it does not sound like you are doing anything together at all. why are you together? what are yyou getting out of this relationship? a long think and a long chat is in order I think.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/08/2013 11:17

I dont see any problem with his trips away as not excessive and being the main earner for another adult, five children and a home help must be hard.

The drinking and unsuitable child caring is though and for more important a focus than him playing golf or attending a concert.

Original poster

Irishchic · 05/08/2013 14:39

No Stepaway we are not, and the way i feel right now i dont want to do anything with him. I am so utterly fed up and unhappy and resentful, and i know the mother of all "chats" is ahead of us on his return.

Thanks Needled yes that is how i feel about it. But as Pianodoodle puts it exactly right, a combination of women being in their place, and thinking i should be grateful for what i have got, (he often throws it up to me that i enjoy a lavish lifestyle, which is ironic given that he is actually the one heading off on planes trains and automobiles to pursue his fun) and also VERY much the case in Ireland as a whole, not just northern ireland, that men who abuse alcohol are seen and described as mend who are "fond of a drink" - a rather pathetic euphemism which glosses over a multitude of sins and family shattering misery.

OP posts:

Irishchic · 05/08/2013 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HurricaneWyn · 05/08/2013 14:53

Report that post if you don't people to see your name change

HurricaneWyn · 05/08/2013 14:58

I think you should have a big talk with your DH - up till now he can have a bit of a huff whenever you bring it up & then he can brush it under the carpet. Maybe if he realises how serious it is, he can rethink.

5 children is a huge responsibility and really hard work. It's not fair that you never get a chance to have a break from that responsibility - even when you're physically away, you can't switch off because he won't take charge properly. He needs to realise that he can't just throw money at a problem & that fixes it (paying for you to go away, paying for babysitters etc)

Original poster

Irishchic · 05/08/2013 15:55

Yes thanks Hurricane that is exactly how i feel about it.

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 05/08/2013 16:03

OP, you have had the same advice as you had before. Unless I am mistaken you have posted about this problem with your dh before.
Listen to those saying he will get no better, and you need to do more than give him a good talking too. He clearly doesn't sound like he wants to be a father and husband and you deserve better than this.
I would take drastic action to bring it home to him if it were me, give ultimatum and if he didn't want to step up that would be it for me. But we are all different so can't tell you what to do, that is your decision. Your poor dc have missed out on him attending their matches, do they know why he wasn't there and where he is/ what he's doing?

Original poster

Irishchic · 05/08/2013 17:24

Morethan you are not mistaken. I believe Mumsnet is for support as well as advice and that i am allowed to post about an issue in my marriage more than once.

If you dont want to repeat advice then dont read my threads or post on them.

OP posts:

Littlegreyauditor · 05/08/2013 17:46

Is it possible that the excessive drinking when asked to take sole responsibility for his kids is his passive aggressive way of discouraging you from having time to yourself?

Like doing things badly so you don't get asked again?

On the surface he is all "of course, you go away, take some time to yourself" whilst sabotaging your desire to do so by being useless. He gets to look like the big man, all magnanimous, without actually having to do the work. Even when you do get away he hires a babysitter rather than mind his kids himself.

Sounds like he needs more practice

morethanpotatoprints · 05/08/2013 19:25

Irish

My post wasn't meant as a criticism moreover to stress that it seemed like people were saying exactly what they said before, so it would be good advice.
I think your dh is out of order and I feel sorry for your family, it hasn't got any better for you and you deserve better.
I apologise if I sounded harsh, I am for you that he behaves in such a way. sending you hugs and

Original poster

Irishchic · 05/08/2013 22:14

Thanks Morethan Sorry if i sounded defensive, just feeling a bit under pressure at the moment and over sensitive probably!

OP posts:

pianodoodle · 05/08/2013 22:44

Good luck with your chat! Don't be pushed to one side. I'm sure 5 children to mind is still hectic whether you do it in well off/comfortable surroundings or not so don't be fobbed off if he tries to deflect your concerns with that.

feelingvunerable · 06/08/2013 09:09

Op- this isn't good.

I have recently split with my dh (his decision) he was very much like your dh except it turns out he couldn't actually afford the lifestyle he was living.

Remember this:if it is a causing a problem within your marriage then the behaviour is unreasonable. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

If going away upsets the other partner then it isn't right.
My h denied he was an alcoholic, stating instead that he simply "liked a drink" my solicicitor immediately described him as having a drink problem.

He was selfish and could never fully committ to a happy family life no matter how much I wanted him to.

It is only now after I am on my own without having to listen to his excuses that I can finally see what was happening.

He was the same as your dh, not committed fully to you or the children. Yes he would do lots of things for them and we did have great times together, but the selfish part of him destroyed our marriage in the end.

You cannot make him change and honestly perhaps he doesn't want to.

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