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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get married in a small, private ceremony, but still have a big "wedding" party later?

38 replies

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/08/2013 13:22

DP and I are currently in the process of moving country, and in addition to this we got engaged just before Christmas. I really want the big party, celebration with family & friends, excuse to get everyone together etc. I don't want to look back at my wedding day and think "I wish we'd done more" or look wistfully at someone else's and wish I'd had that.

However, to do that is going to take us quite a while to save up for and arrange etc, especially since we'd be coming back to the UK to do it. And in the meantime, being married would make it much easier for us financially and logistically with admin stuff to do with the move and settling in to our new life. We know we want to get married, and it makes sense to just go and do it for the admin side of things. But I still want a big(ish!) party.

Do you think it would ruin things? DP suggested we could renew our vows and even write custom ones which are different from the standard so that there would be a ceremony people can attend, and we get the whole speeches thing at the party later. I'm not sure. In some ways I love the idea (quite like the idea of being married "secretly" too!) and I suppose it would cut costs too. But in others I am worried that I will regret it - would it be stupid to have a hen do leading up to the "big day" if I'm already married? It's not like I'm planning to go off with a male stripper, just have a girls' night out really. And I suppose I'm worried it will feel fake to know that we've already had the legal wedding. But then, I already have a child from a previous relationship who DP might adopt one day anyway, so it's not like we don't have a history of doing things backwards!

Has anyone done this and did it make it feel weird or was it okay?

OP posts:
Chopsypie · 04/08/2013 13:31

Funnily enough I went to a wedding yesterday where the bride and groom had already been married for a week. They had a very small ceremony for the legal bit last week then yesterday had a blessing of sorts (a friend read a gorgeous poem and they did a small speech/reading to each other) then the rest of the day was a party for all and sundry. It was really lovely and really took the pressure off the day iyswim? There was no nerves just them enjoying them selves as sharing that with their friends and family

BikeRunSki · 04/08/2013 13:31

Friends of ours got married in a register office and then had a party a week later, because she easvyoo ill (ME) to cope with awhile day. If you need to.postpone the party by a lobg time,why don' t you celebrate an annivetsarry ?

petuniapickletits · 04/08/2013 13:31

We've just ditched all our big wedding plans and have just booked a private ceremony and party a week later.

I cant wait...all that stress...gone!

Original poster
YoniBottsBumgina · 04/08/2013 13:37

I'm warming to the idea I must admit. It could be a "Yay we survived the first year!" party rather than a wedding party.

OP posts:
wigglybeezer · 04/08/2013 13:37

We did it and ended up having several big parties as my IL's wanted to throw a party for all their friends as well as the ceilidh in the village hall we did.

The only thing I would change would be to have some professional ( but not posed) photos done and to have treated myself to a more romantic dress.

OwlinaTree · 04/08/2013 13:41

We are attending a wedding soon of a couple who married in Feb as they live abroad so needed to legally marry in that country. They are coming back to 'marry' again and have a reception with family and friends in this country.

I think it's a great idea, means they get to celebrate withtheir family and friends.

BrokenSunglasses · 04/08/2013 13:42

My cousin did this, and the wedding party was great. It was very much a celebration of their marriage, just like any other wedding. I don't think I'd want a hen night after I was married, but there's no reason why you shouldn't.

CoffeeBucks · 04/08/2013 13:44

My best friend did this - married abroad in a small family ceremony & had a huge party a couple of months later. It's a great idea & something I really want to do when the time comes. Go for it!

flipchart · 04/08/2013 13:44

Yeah, why not! Grin

DameDeepRedBetty · 04/08/2013 13:46

I also have friends who legally married to make their lives easier when moving abroad, the 'un' wedding party they held to celebrate remains the single best wedding I've ever been too!

DameDeepRedBetty · 04/08/2013 13:47
  • weird extra 'o' - been to not too!
petuniapickletits · 04/08/2013 13:59

just to add...we are saving so much by not doing the normal way...that we can afford to really treat ouselves at the private ceremony. We are skimping on nothing and spoiling ourselves in a way we couldn't if we were paying for sit down meals etc

Leeds2 · 04/08/2013 14:16

I would get married with a very small ceremony now, and a big party to celebrate your first/second/whenever you had saved up anniversary.

spongebobsquareeyes · 04/08/2013 14:19

This is exactly what I want to do - just the kids and our parents for the ceremony then a huge party later.

natwebb79 · 04/08/2013 14:20

We're pretty much doing this next week! Grin

CuthbertDibble · 04/08/2013 14:29

We sort of did this but all on the same day. Parents and siblings (with their spouses and children) during the day for the ceremony and wedding breakfast, then a huge party for 200 people in the evening.

skyeskyeskye · 04/08/2013 14:33

My friend is planning a Caribbean wedding in 2015. I am invited, but don't think I will be able to afford to go. They will then have a Caribbean themed party for everybody when they get back.

If I ever get married again, I will do the same. Small quiet wedding somewhere, then throw a surprise wedding party for all the guests.

EllaFitzgerald · 04/08/2013 14:37

I think it sounds lovely. It gives you time to save and organise a big celebration. And who cares if anyone else thinks it's been done backwards? It's your wedding, you're not causing problems for anyone else, so do whatever makes you both happy.

jacks365 · 04/08/2013 14:40

What were you thinking of for the "party" ? Were you thinking of being dressed in a wedding dress etc and having some sort of ceremony? If thats tge case you will get some raised eyebrows however if you are just talking about a party then a. You would be fine and b. There wouldn't need to be much expense.

SevenReasonsToSmile · 04/08/2013 14:43

You could have a blessing done when DP adopts your DS, then have a big party to celebrate officially becoming a family.

Finola1step · 04/08/2013 14:44

Yep we did it. Got married in the April with just 15 v close family guests. Then invited everyone to a summer party in the July on a Sunday. Weather was fab, venue and caterers cheaper as it was a Sunday.

People came because they wanted to, not because they felt obliged to. Some came for the whole thing, some dropped in for a couple of hours. I really liked the more laid back approach.

On the wedding day itself, I didn't have to worry about getting to talk to all guests, photos here and there, all the fuss. Definitely worked for us.

badbride · 04/08/2013 14:46

We did this. We had a very small wedding for immediate family only, and then a couple of months later, a big lunchtime bbq and evening party bash for our friends.

We really didn't want a huge wedding (the thought of being the centre of attention at a traditional big 'do' brought me out in hives), plus we wanted to get married in a remote area of the UK, which would have put unreasonable travel travails/ costs on our friends, most of whom live in and around London.

The friends were happy to come to an informal party (meant they could bring kids, didn't have to fork out for new outfits and presents), and we found local accommodation that was pretty cheap (some even camped in a field by the country pub where we held the party). So they were happy too, and all had a good time.

My top tip is NEVER mention the word "wedding" when you book the party venue. It will at least double the cost, for no good reason. Say you want it for a family party/ anniversary.

SugarPasteGreyhound · 04/08/2013 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alohomora · 04/08/2013 16:01

We did (sort of). My DH and I live in the UK, I am German, we both have quite a number of elderly relatives.

Originally the plan was to have the registrar's wedding and then a free ceremony (sort of like a blessing) on the same weekend in Germany (in Germany you have to get married by a registrar, church wedding/free ceremony are usually held separately and are the 'bigger' party), however the paperwork was horrendous as we live in the UK and he's from here. Just a nightmare.

So we decided to have the registrar's wedding here (hooray for only needing ID card and international birth certificate!), with OH's familiy, both of our parents & sibs and witnesses (my best friend came over for it). That was in February.

In June we had a free ceremony in Germany, we invited everyone but understandably only my side of the family + OH's sib & parents came over to Germany for that, it was a fab day.

So YANBU, it sounds good!

Original poster
YoniBottsBumgina · 04/08/2013 18:07

Thing is I do want it to be a proper "wedding" type party. I want the photos and the speeches etc. I'm not overly bothered about the dress but I think DP would quite like to see me all wedding dress-ed up and for the photos etc it makes sense. But then this all seems a bit egotistical if our actual wedding had already happened.

It just makes sense to get the legal bit done ASAP, but to have a party incorporating all of DP's ginormous family will need saving up for. Currently the party (and not getting in debt to do it) is more important to us hence putting off the actual wedding part to accommodate that. But DP just brought this up as an idea and I was wondering if we could make it work. I'm not particularly bothered what others think, I'm more worried if we will look at it later and think "That was naff."

OP posts:
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