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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get married in a small, private ceremony, but still have a big "wedding" party later?

38 replies

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/08/2013 13:22

DP and I are currently in the process of moving country, and in addition to this we got engaged just before Christmas. I really want the big party, celebration with family & friends, excuse to get everyone together etc. I don't want to look back at my wedding day and think "I wish we'd done more" or look wistfully at someone else's and wish I'd had that.

However, to do that is going to take us quite a while to save up for and arrange etc, especially since we'd be coming back to the UK to do it. And in the meantime, being married would make it much easier for us financially and logistically with admin stuff to do with the move and settling in to our new life. We know we want to get married, and it makes sense to just go and do it for the admin side of things. But I still want a big(ish!) party.

Do you think it would ruin things? DP suggested we could renew our vows and even write custom ones which are different from the standard so that there would be a ceremony people can attend, and we get the whole speeches thing at the party later. I'm not sure. In some ways I love the idea (quite like the idea of being married "secretly" too!) and I suppose it would cut costs too. But in others I am worried that I will regret it - would it be stupid to have a hen do leading up to the "big day" if I'm already married? It's not like I'm planning to go off with a male stripper, just have a girls' night out really. And I suppose I'm worried it will feel fake to know that we've already had the legal wedding. But then, I already have a child from a previous relationship who DP might adopt one day anyway, so it's not like we don't have a history of doing things backwards!

Has anyone done this and did it make it feel weird or was it okay?

OP posts:

nkf · 04/08/2013 18:09

It might be quite fun so long as it wasn't too weddingy. Because big elaborate weddings are actually a bit dull unless you are very closely involved. So, if people are turning up, expecting to have a fun party but find they have to stay overnight in a hotel miles from anywhere and eat cold food on table 12 and line up for photos, they might feel a bit annoyed. I mean, you should make it clear that it's the same sort of thing as a proper wedding.

BaronessTeapot · 04/08/2013 18:12

We got married abroad. Just the two of us but we did hire a photographer and had a video taken of the ceremony.

We had a "reception" when we got home, which was more of a party but had a few informal speeches and a wedding cake.

We were very, very relaxed about it all.

MelanieCheeks · 04/08/2013 18:18

We got married in Gretna Green - just us and 2 witnesses. My husband was awaiting heart surgery at that point, so we were avoiding any big stressful parties. We eventually had the celebrations over a year later, when he'd recovered from the op. It was brilliant!

afromom · 04/08/2013 18:21

My DB and SIL did this. They married in the UK with just me , mum and dad for legal reasons, etc. SIL is from the US and wanted to Marry over there, but as they wanted to settle here it made it simpler to legally marry here. She didn't want her mum and family to miss out, so their legal ceremony here remains a secret. We had a lovely day, civil ceremony and then very posh meal at country hotel and had a lovely day. But the real party was in the US, which was great. No-one felt they missed out as no one knew about the UK one and they just spoke to the person who conducted the wedding in the US (a family friend) to put him in the picture, so that the ceremony was more of a renewal of vows.
They also had a party in the UK for everyone who couldn't afford to go to the US one!
They got their wedding, SIL had her proper party with family in the US and UK residents were kept happy too! Everyone was a winner!
I say go for it, and have a great time!

Original poster

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/08/2013 18:40

We don't want a dull formal sit-down meal, no. Not sure what the distinction between "dull wedding" and "fun party" is but the plan is child friendly, pay bar, buffet, disco - fairly informal but still "wedding" enough, ie, we (well, I) want photos - not millions of posed ones, a couple of me and DP and the family if poss, but mainly pictures of people having fun would be great. Speeches but due to large number of children, nobody expected to sit and listen to them if they don't fancy it.

OP posts:

Talkinpeace · 04/08/2013 18:42

Utterly reasonable.

WE had registry office with seven friends on the friday
lunch party with 100 family and friends on the saturday
in the evening, parents and older generation cleared off to a dinner somewher and we had a party chez nous
the following saturday we had a part abroad with the other half of the family

it was the most fantastic week, 20 years ago ...

cantreachmytoes · 04/08/2013 19:00

Totally reasonable in whatever form you want it to take. I've been to a lot of fun, romantic weddings where the official ceremony took place sometime before and the party was later. The brides wore a big white wedding dress. These weddings were Muslim, so it's not abnormal in the global scheme of things.

cantreachmytoes · 04/08/2013 19:01

Should say that the ceremonies were Muslim, but the parties were parties with whatever cultural - or quirky - twist was important to the couple.

Scribblegirl · 04/08/2013 20:31

My friend's sister married an American, and sorting out houses, jobs etc was going to be a nightmare before they were legally wed, and they didn't have the money. They got hitched quietly in the US last Christmas and have just had the big party with all the family over here this summer. AFAIK everyone called it 'the wedding' and it didn't take away from the magic of the day.

Onesleeptillwembley · 04/08/2013 20:38

Just stick to the small wedding and big party. The rest is naff. And people normally renew (they don't bloody run out) their vows if one had cheated. Tacky.

QueenMaeve · 04/08/2013 20:44

Yanbu, sounds like a sensible plan to me

WineNot · 04/08/2013 20:51

DH and I got married with 4 friends... no family

A year later, we did the whole shebang. Wrote our own ceremony from start to finish (not legally binding, so you can do that). We had 80 guests, speeches, wedding dress, bridesmaids, cake, photos, etc etc.

We hadn't cheated on each other ... we just wanted to get married quickly (before he deployed) and didn't have the time or money to have the big day before he went. So, I kept busy arranging it for when he got back.

No one batted an eyelid and while my wedding day will always be the day with 4 friends, other people still talk about our big ceremony.

I wouldn't change a single thing - do exactly what you want to do.

Yama · 04/08/2013 21:01

One of the best weddings I have ever been to was that of a couple who had married a year earlier so that they could live in the States (she American, he British).

Anyway, I was the +1 of a good friend and didn't realise. I don't think it was a secret, just that my friend hadn't bothered to tell me.

They had a Humanist ceremony and it was just lovely.

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