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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you shouldn't charge guests for a party

47 replies

gertrudestein · 04/08/2013 03:18

I'm organising a friend's hen do with another friend. It's a low key affair - drinks at a mate's house then out to a club (very much at the bride's request)

Me and other friend have been organising via email, copying in the other bridesmaids but as they don't live locally they are not really getting involved (they organised another hen do in bride's old home town). So the two of us have been discussing decorations, games, refreshments etc.

The other organiser offered to buy some decorations and asked how much money we should ask from the guests to cover this kind of thing. I wrote that I was happy to split the costs of everything (drinks, nibbles, games, decorations) and that I didn't think we should charge guests for coming - after all, we are throwing the party for the bride

Since then, the other organiser emailed all the hens asking for a £10 contribution to food and drink. We're all really busy so I don't think she was deliberately ignoring what I said, just forgot or thought I wouldn't have time to discuss it etc.

So, since that email the majority of guests have pulled out. (May just be a coincidence). Also, related info perhaps is that the other organiser is much wealthier than me - think millionaire. I'm so skint I recently had to pull our of several meetings up because I couldn't afford to go out or take time off work. Nevertheless, I have saved up and budgeted for my friend's hen and have also paid for a book of photos and some games for the event (about £60. But I volunteered to do all of it). And the wedding is in another town so all the hens will be paying to attend that.

So - Aibu thinking we shouldn't chart guests for coming to a party? Am aware of the fact that, being so skint, I might be over sensitive to what people think is 'normal' I certainly don't think £10 is a lot of money to any of the guests

Or is she bu for asking people to shell out? Am not even sure we will need £10 ph for some wine and olives

Sorry for length - trying to include all relevant info!

OP posts:

coralanne · 04/08/2013 03:31

It's extremely rude. If she couldn't afford to throw a hens do then she shouldn't have volunteered.

Was just talking about this very thing yesterday. Friend's DD was invited to a surprise 30th and when they arrived at the pub for the do, had to buy all their own food and drinks as well as supply a present.

My Nephew has just celebrated his 30th birthday and his Father paid for the whole thing. He's well off but by no means extremely wealthy but he said he has had 30 years to save for it.

formicadinosaur · 04/08/2013 03:32

What does the 10 cover ?

coralanne · 04/08/2013 03:33

Meant to add that you sound like a great friend. You thought ahead and decided financially what you could afford.

Original poster

gertrudestein · 04/08/2013 03:40

Thanks coralanne - although to be fair budgeting is something you get good at when you're poor!

Formica - the £10 is for drinks and food at the friend's house and a bottle of sparkling wine to share at the club. (Personally I could do it for less than a tenner each, but then I am very practised at budgeting!)

OP posts:

formicadinosaur · 04/08/2013 03:41

We often go out to celebrate, pay our own way and stick a few pounds in a collection pot towards a gift. Sign a shared card. I really wouldn't expect the party girl to pay for my drinks or meal. Can you imagine how expensive ghat would be? Most would never be able to hold a celebration on their birthday.

MidniteScribbler · 04/08/2013 03:41

I think it seems a bit odd. I'd presume that the first part is a couple of glasses of champers and some nibbles provided by the hosts. Then I'd expect to pay my own way at the club afterwards (as well as buy a drink or two for the bride). If there were a catered meal or limo or something else like that provided, then I'd be happy to pay for that if it were explained to me.

Surely if you each put in the 60, that's more than enough to buy some nibbles and a few bottles of champagne?

formicadinosaur · 04/08/2013 03:45

It might have been better to text friends and ask them to bring a food dish or a bottle of wine to share before club. That way people could have bought what ever they wanted and within budget.

MidniteScribbler · 04/08/2013 03:46

Hmm, my own comment made me think - does she have some "surprise" planned (limo, stripper?) that she's wanting the guests to bankroll, then she'll make out how it was all idea and she's such a special friend and the hero of the night?

EverythingInMjiniature · 04/08/2013 03:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formicadinosaur · 04/08/2013 03:52

As a host id happily provide a few nibbles and 3 or so bottles of wine though. A meal (starter, main, pud) plus wine plus champagne would be too much though.

squoosh · 04/08/2013 04:34

Doesn't sound odd at all, asking people to chip in £10 towards drinks, nibble and decorations seems totally reasonable to me. Irrelevant that the other woman is a millionaire.

Says a lot about the guests though that they're withdrawing from the night over this cost.

snowlie · 04/08/2013 07:24

Think hard cash sounds a bit weird, we were asked to a friends house for a BBQ and when I asked if there was anything I could bring she said she was appreciate £10 towards costs. On the night I couldn't see an opportunity to pay the k

snowlie · 04/08/2013 07:26

Sorry - fat fingers! Anyway she texted me after the night requesting the £10, which I gladly paid but it was weird and awkward. I think asking for drinks and a dish feels better all round.

nkf · 04/08/2013 07:30

I think the idea of being called a hen is really weird but that's another thread.

People are watching the pennies right now and yet people still want to entertain and be entertained. That BBQ situation (last post) was very uncomfortable to me. Better to ask for a bag of sausages. £10 per head is a lot for wine and nibbles because you tend to get a lot of stuff for your money when you are catering in bulk. I think the only way to go is totally upfront conversations about money. Not accusatory or anything but just really clear and open.

nkf · 04/08/2013 07:31

Why are hen nights so full of awful food? Nibbles!

Jinty64 · 04/08/2013 07:45

I don't have a lot of spare money at the moment and so have to decide carefully what to spend it on. If I had budgeted for travel, going out to a club and paying towards drinks and club entry for the bride, not to mention a wedding coming up, another £10 would probably make me re think.

jacks365 · 04/08/2013 08:08

If I was going to a hen night I would expect to make a contribution to cover costs for food and any costs for the bride.

MrsKeithRichards · 04/08/2013 08:17

I've organised, and been to, hen dos w where guests pay towards meals, activities, limos etc but brought own drink.

As a bridesmaid you kind of assume you will be paying out for some things. It's collateral damage! Last one I was in on there was 4 of us. One paid for the bubbles for in the house before hand, one bought nibbles for halfway through the day, I bought the classy accessories. What the other one bought I have no idea, she spent the whole run up moaning about money and even insisted the date was after the bride's pay day so she could borrow money of her.

stuffthenonsense · 04/08/2013 08:22

My view on this is that if you invite somebody then you are responsible for the costs, if you plan on charging then you are advertising a ticketed event and should expect people to opt out. Host/guest is a totally different thing to organiser/customer.

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/08/2013 08:23

Generally you don't charge for hosting a party.

But when you are organising an event the rules are different.

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/08/2013 08:23

cross posted!

MissTweed · 04/08/2013 08:25

If its just for food and wine, why can't you just say to everyone bring a bottle and some nibbles to which they can buy something suited to their budget

JakeBullet · 04/08/2013 08:35

It would put me off squoosh but then I don't have much money spare each month. If I had also had to pay the cost of a babysitter etc it might make the difference between me being able to celebrate with the bride and not.

If its a night n a club or restaurant then fine, Id expect to pay my own way but not for drinks and nibbles beforehand...although am sure I would take a bottle.

Another £10 on top might be huge for me and others in my position.

twinklyfingers · 04/08/2013 08:40

I'm organising my sisters hen night just now along with her other bridesmaids. The bridesmaids are splitting cost of food, decorations, invitations, games and entertainment. The guests have been asked to bring a bottle. It never occurred to any of us that asking for this might be rude, personally I would always take a bottle of something along even if asked to bring nothing. Same goes for food, although that can be more of a hassle if you're trying to coordinate people taking different things. Also with bringing booze, you can take for your own taste - if you like gin club together with a friend who's going or take your favourite wine. Or take nothing and drive home if you like! (We're providing soft drinks too.)

Asking for money is definitely rude. I have a friend who throws parties, but splits the bill for the food she shopped for amongst how many people were there! I hate it and feel very uncomfortable about paying. I have taken to bringing a bottle of something and hoping that will cover my charge. I also hate it as I would never normally pay for the sort of food she buys. I could never invite someone to my home and ask money to cover costs! Where do you draw the line?! Ask someone round for a meal and charge for the ingredients?!

YANBU. Your friend is being rude and I'm not surprised people have dropped out because it is awkward. And I don't think it matters that it is a reasonably small charge (my friend has asked me to transfer £5 into her bank account for some parties - aaargh!) it is just cringeworthy being charged to attend this sort of event.

fledtoscotland · 04/08/2013 08:42

I've been to a hen night that involved hotels/restaurant/club and set me back over £200 all told. The organisers had no idea that not everyone was earning ££££

My own hen night was a meal in local Chinese (they did a deal of £15 pp) where everyone chipped in £1 to pay for mine followed by a club that I'd organised free entry for and they supplied a couple of bottles of bubbly. DH was the taxi service home. My friends gave me a sash and tiara (prob set them back £5) but that was all the decorations.

YANBU as its unnecessary.

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