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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you shouldn't charge guests for a party

47 replies

gertrudestein · 04/08/2013 03:18

I'm organising a friend's hen do with another friend. It's a low key affair - drinks at a mate's house then out to a club (very much at the bride's request)

Me and other friend have been organising via email, copying in the other bridesmaids but as they don't live locally they are not really getting involved (they organised another hen do in bride's old home town). So the two of us have been discussing decorations, games, refreshments etc.

The other organiser offered to buy some decorations and asked how much money we should ask from the guests to cover this kind of thing. I wrote that I was happy to split the costs of everything (drinks, nibbles, games, decorations) and that I didn't think we should charge guests for coming - after all, we are throwing the party for the bride

Since then, the other organiser emailed all the hens asking for a £10 contribution to food and drink. We're all really busy so I don't think she was deliberately ignoring what I said, just forgot or thought I wouldn't have time to discuss it etc.

So, since that email the majority of guests have pulled out. (May just be a coincidence). Also, related info perhaps is that the other organiser is much wealthier than me - think millionaire. I'm so skint I recently had to pull our of several meetings up because I couldn't afford to go out or take time off work. Nevertheless, I have saved up and budgeted for my friend's hen and have also paid for a book of photos and some games for the event (about £60. But I volunteered to do all of it). And the wedding is in another town so all the hens will be paying to attend that.

So - Aibu thinking we shouldn't chart guests for coming to a party? Am aware of the fact that, being so skint, I might be over sensitive to what people think is 'normal' I certainly don't think £10 is a lot of money to any of the guests

Or is she bu for asking people to shell out? Am not even sure we will need £10 ph for some wine and olives

Sorry for length - trying to include all relevant info!

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 04/08/2013 08:43

Personally I'd think it really odd for a bridesmaid to pay for a hen do. Particularly a skint bridesmaid.

This isn't a party with a host, its an event. It absolutely is reasonable to expect attendees to pay for their share.

nkf · 04/08/2013 09:16

This is extraordinary. People asking people over and then asking for cash. Bridesmaids paying for parties. Decorations. Money, money, money. It's all crazy. £60 for games. How old are you all? And this is probably for a woman who has been living with her fiance for a few years. Madness.

TheSmallClanger · 04/08/2013 09:17

Is she American? I only ask because my American friends think it's appropriate to ask guests to put money in a box for things like dinner parties. It makes me cringe - if you can't afford it, don't do it.

For something like this, I would expect to buy my own drinks and pay my own way into the club, probably chipping in for the bride's entry, but I wouldn't hand over £10 for "nibbles" and drinks at home. I would be happier contributing those myself. (Or I would if I actually went to hen parties - I am always ill or at work for them).

nkf · 04/08/2013 09:24

Can you make a profit on the dinner parties? I charge Waitrose prices, but actually I buy at Lidl.

fatginger · 04/08/2013 09:31

I must be getting old but when did it become the norm for bridesmaids to pay for the hen do?!

JenaiMorris · 04/08/2013 09:40

Objecting to contributing £10 towards a friend's hen do is a bit tight.

YABU.

inabeautifulplace · 04/08/2013 10:09

Totally agree with the event/random party description. If invited to a pub for someone's birthday, I wouldn't be expecting a free ride.

flipchart · 04/08/2013 10:13

I would have no objection paying a tenner in this context tbh.

I'd rather do that than shop round for bits to take.

nkf · 04/08/2013 10:14

No, but if you went to a pub for someone's birthday, you might have an idea of how much you wanted to spend and on what. So, if everyone is saying, "Yay, champagne all round" but you prefer/can afford lager, you have lager. Here, there is a fait accompli. This is what it costs, so hand over your dosh.

The fact that the other women pulled out is telling. They are probably all posting on another thread about this irritating event that they: a) have to travel to; b) is the second one and c) what's this extra cost for? They've got to come over from somewhere else for yet another evening of nibbles and bubbles and sparkly and fizz and vino.

MrsCosmopilite · 04/08/2013 10:14

Last hen night I went to was about 2 years ago. We went on the London Eye (everyone paid for themselves) and had a meal out.
The organiser was clear from the outset that this was the Bride-to-Be's evening. Costs were given in advance so that people could decide whether they were 'in' or not. (Advance booking of London Eye saved money).

When we arrived, she had arranged to have the table at the drinks venue and at the meal venue decorated, and we all got a goodie bag, containing about £10 worth of stuff. It was a great night out and everyone felt they'd got "value for money" out of it.

NoComet · 04/08/2013 10:16

I thought you always paid your way at Hen do's. they are a night out, not a party.

nkf · 04/08/2013 10:19

Well, of course you pay your way. But it's okay to turn down invitations too. And a party in someone else's house is usually not charged for. You offer to bring something, people say thanks or no it's fine. But it's not come to a party and give us a tenner. The majority has pulled out. I bet it's not a coincidence.

verytellytubby · 04/08/2013 10:32

I don't think £10 contribution is unreasonable. Sounds really tight to pull out over a tenner.

nkf · 04/08/2013 10:42

It's not just a tenner. It's travelling over there and a club and they've already had one hen night. And the request for a tenner is a bit high handed and irritating.

Original poster

gertrudestein · 04/08/2013 11:29

Thanks for everyone's opinions. I guess I feel like, the bride is one of my oldest friends and i want to make a huge fuss of her, and that might cost a few bob - but that's my choice. I feel mean asking others for cash as they will also be buying their own drinks in the club, and, as others have said, might not share our taste in drinks etc. I often go out and choose not to eat or drink because I cant afford it but still want to see everyone.

Ironically, the more people pull out, the more effort I feel we have to put in to making the night seem special.

I share people's general cynicism about hen dos - personally it's not something I would ever want for myself. But my friend (the bride) is really into it, it makes her happy, and my opinions are totally irrelevant - I want her to have the best hen do for her. Perhaps I am projecting though? -I think I imagine other guests might also be a bit cynical, so more likely to balk at paying cash.

anyway, it's done now ... i think these comments go to show there's no right or wrong: everyone feels differently.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/08/2013 11:33

Very rude. I'd pull out. Potluck, BYOB, okay. Charging, no.

mamij · 04/08/2013 11:40

Tbh, I wouldn't expect the bridesmaids to cover the cost of the other guests. And as a guest, I would expect to contribute something. Maybe the other organiser thinks it's fairer or another bridesmaid has asked her to email everyone for a contribution?

ShadowMeltingInTheSun · 04/08/2013 11:47

When I've been asked to pay towards hen parties in the past, the cash contribution has been for events held out where the organisers have had to pay in advance i.e. afternoon teas at hotels, spa days, group trips to see male strippers, that kind of thing.

I do think though that it sounds rude to ask guests for a cash contribution to a party held at someone's house.

But I'd be fine with being asked to bring along some drinks & nibbles of my choice to a party. That's fairly normal, and that way I can at least make sure that there's something there I'm definitely going to like eating and drinking at a cost I'm happy with!

expatinscotland · 04/08/2013 11:52

Yeah, it's the charging for the part at someone's house. WTF? Then you do potluck or BYOB.

Looster · 04/08/2013 12:01

If I was organising my own party or party for DH - would never expect a cash contribution, might say bring a bottle or dish depending on the do.

However, amongst my group of friends, if a party is being organised by one of us for another (eg hen, leaving do, surprise bday) would be totally the norm that the group (but not guest of honour) would share costs and effort. £10 sounds about right.

If you have people dropping out who have organised a separate 'do', is this why? Not coming because two hen do's is just a bit too much?

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/08/2013 12:22

surely if its a hen/stag night the only "guest" is the bride or groom?

Pigsmummy · 04/08/2013 12:40

Personally I would happy and not offended if I was asked to chip in £10 for a friends hen.

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