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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling my nephew "no" after repeatedly demanding things in my house?

27 replies

LovelyMeredith · 04/08/2013 02:40

I have an 8 year old nephew, who has been quite spoiled by his parents. His parents are older parents, because he's the baby of the family he's been quite spoiled. I could list some of his behaviours but we'd be here forever and a day.

One thing that has been happening more frequently is him asking for things in my home, such as toys that belong to my children etc that my children don't want to give away, nor have I offered it to the child. It'll usually be: "Can I have [insert item here]"?" (never followed by please or thank you). When I tell him no due to the fact that it belongs to my DD or DS, he will sulk.

What made me ask for advice on this forum is something that occured this evening. My nephew had felt tired so DD had gotten a blanket for him to keep him warm. She had explained to him that this was a very special blanket since it was what their late Grandmother had given to her (he never got to meet his Grandmother). This later on in the evening was proceeded by: "Nanny said I could have this blanket". Now I know for a fact that there is no chance that DD would ever part with it, and quite rightly she said no, because it was given to her. He then repeatedly kept saying: "Nanny said I could have it" and tried snatching it off her, sulking when she said no. Eventually, DD had to go and hide it when he wasn't looking.

I later explained to him that he couldn't keep asking people for their belongings, since "You wouldn't like it if people kept asking if they could have your XBox or iPad". However, this is never followed up by my nephews parents. It can be very difficult to speak to his parents (well more so his Dad) since I would get told to "mind my own business".

What can I do? He's certainly not a deprived child.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/08/2013 02:48

You would be unreasonable to turn down every request just to teach him a lesson.

Children do ask for things to play with round at someone else's, if he's not saying please just tell he can if he asks properly? You haven't said he breaks anything, and don't your DC want to share/play with him with whatever technology it is?

Totally OK to tell him no with the blanket, even if he did understand it as him being told he can have it, there's no problem putting him straight.

I would say that unless there's anything bordering on abuse, it's really not your business how they bring him up. You have to take children coming round as they are, as annoying as that is at times.

Original poster
LovelyMeredith · 04/08/2013 03:03

AgentZigzag: It's certainly not a "teaching him a lesson" situation. When he wants to be, he can be a very well behaved little boy. I'm talking him wanting to keep items that belong to my children (not quite sure if I had made that clear?) and throwing a tantrum when told otherwise.

DC have always been taught share - paticulary as they are older than him. And by all means they would never begrudge sharing things with him. It's when he is told that certain items belong to DC and he can't take them home to keep he will sulk and act like a spoiled child.

Everytime I go visit him I bring him gifts and sweets because quite frankly, he is lovely when he's on his best behaviour. I just find it a bit puzzling, paticulary as my DC haven't behaved like that.

OP posts:
Nandocushion · 04/08/2013 03:07

I must have read this differently from Agent, as I presumed the boy was asking to keep things permanently, not just to use them for a little while. I wouldn't bother trying to explain to him about not asking, just say no, that it belongs to X, and don't entertain any further discussion. What happens at home is their problem. If you want, you could tell him to make sure to ask his parents to buy him that item when he gets home. You could even help him make out a nice, long, detailed order list for them. Grin

Nandocushion · 04/08/2013 03:08

X-post

Bogeyface · 04/08/2013 03:15

YANBU

Its not his fault, clearly whenever he says "Can I have X" Ma and Pa get it for him. Sadly though, he will suffer with being brought up like that because his playdates will dry up and he will have a very tough time as an adult when he realises that you dont just get what you want (or he'll turn into an entitled selfish but ultimately lonely man).

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2013 03:17

Ooh blimey, wanting to keep things is a bit odd isn't it?

Sorry about any assumptions I made about you/yours re sharing and that Grin

If he's got a lot of stuff at home why would he still push wanting to take your DCs stuff? Says to me it's nothing to do with the stuff.

What made you feel you had to have words with his parents before?

If you know they're prickly it must have been something significant.

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2013 03:21

Thing is, I can imagine a 3/4 year old asking to take something home with them as they're just learning about who owns what etc, but at 8 he must have cottoned on that it's not a usual thing to happen, if ever. I've only ever come across it on Humpf Grin

And tantrum/sulking about it too?

Like you say, it must be what he's learnt to be an effective technique.

ravenAK · 04/08/2013 03:26

'No, of course you can't have it, dnephew - it belongs to dd/ds.'

Said briskly before changing the subject, or just ignoring him.

Beyond that, I'd take his dad's advice & butt out, tbh. He may well be over-indulged/spoilt, but beyond modelling the real world to him (ie. generally, people won't hand over their stuff for the asking) it's not down to you to sort out his behaviour.

formicadinosaur · 04/08/2013 03:28

I don't think it's normal behaviour for an 8 year old. Is he used to making demands and getting his own way? I recon he must be. Just stand firm and tell him every time ' you can play with xx while here but no you can't take it home'. Ignore tantrums. Walk away. Show no interest.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2013 05:41

I agree, just be very bored and say briskly he can't and change the subject. Don't waste time on explanations. Change the subject.

Thumbwitch · 04/08/2013 05:50

What strange behaviour!
He'll learn eventually but he's going to get some interesting reactions if he does that with friends as well. I feel a bit sorry for him, tbh - but I don't like the lying manipulative aspect to try and get what he wants.

cozietoesie · 04/08/2013 06:23

My 6 in the morning guess, for what it's worth, is that at the moment he likes/wants to be part of your family very much and is trying to acquire things from your family as some sort of substitute. As to hat you an do about it? I don't think there's anything.

cozietoesie · 04/08/2013 06:24

what.

Cerisier · 04/08/2013 06:51

He will have to stop doing it soon or friends' parents won't be inviting him back a second time. It is very strange behaviour indeed and it makes the boy appear greedy and selfish. His parents aren't doing him any favours in not nipping this in the bud.

xylem8 · 04/08/2013 07:29

how old are your dc - you sby they are older than him , maybe he thinks they have grown out oe them. But really it is a none problem. You just sby 'no sweetheart that belongs to dd' if he then cries sulks that is his problem

sweetestcup · 04/08/2013 07:41

Just keep saying no. I get the feeling he wont change, especially if is not being taught by his parents so can only imagine him as an adult, we've all met selfish adults - this is where it all starts.

Balaboosta · 04/08/2013 08:56

Just say no.

Balaboosta · 04/08/2013 08:57

It's not your job to change him.

formicadinosaur · 04/08/2013 09:06

Yes it's not her job to change him BUT there is no way you should let him keep your families things. He has no entitlement to them.

Pagwatch · 04/08/2013 09:12

It's annoying but that all to be honest.

It isn't your job to correct his parenting, you are not his parent.

Just say 'of course you can't have it,it belongs to DD'
If you must say 'stop asking if you can have things. Just assume you can't because honestly, you can't. If that changes I will let you know'

Fishandjam · 04/08/2013 09:18

Not sure why you felt it necessary to tell us that his parents are "older"? Older parents does not = spoilt.

monkeymamma · 04/08/2013 09:24

Hmm, I wonder if he's asking because he knows specifically that it gets a reaction from you - he's at an age where he will be fascinated by adults and their behaviour/reactions but isn't old enough to really reign in his own behaviour. If that makes sense. I'd try just making as little out of it as possible - don't get cross or show you're annoyed, just say a very quick neutral no and of course you will be able to make sure he doesn't leave the house with said item. Distract with something else if he starts to fuss. But it sounds like its become a point of conflict because you feel he ought to know better, so he's repeating in order to see how you'll deal with it. It sounds more like he is testing you than because he's necessarily spoiled (which IMO would translate more into showing off eg 'I've got a better X than you at home' type of comment.)

LincRec01 · 04/08/2013 09:26

I see your dilema. It is very wearing dealing with this sort of behaviour beyond toddlerhood. My nephew is 4 and has a terrible temper, and throws massive tamtrums. I tell him his behaviour is not acceptable at aunty's house. U could also go as far as to 'time out', if you felt confident to do so. Your house your rules. Good luck. X

BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/08/2013 09:35

A breezy no dear thats our Johnnie's will do

Do say to the parents that you find having to field requests for your children's possessions draining. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that.

Alt (assuming you have notice of visits) all play downstairs, all precious stuff upstairs, the boy might stop asking for everyday toys like lego or mousetrap?

BrandiBroke · 04/08/2013 09:53

My nephew asks for things, or to do things, constantly. If he's told he can have something he then follows this up repeatedly with 'when can I take this home? Am I going home now?' If he's told he can't have something he keeps asking for it. He is 6. It drives his parents potty but I have recently realised it's because he never gets a straight, honest answer from them. They either say yes but then later change their minds, or without meaning it in the first place, or say no but then give in to his whining. So he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

Whenever he's with me I give the answer I mean and if he keeps asking I do get a bit stern with him, get him to look me in the eye and say something like 'Listen to me. I have said no. So stop asking for X because you can't have it.' He usually does stop going on then.