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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say LET HER SPEAK FFS!!

45 replies

AlpenIsTedious · 03/08/2013 21:18

DD 20 months and all going fine with speaking. Not thanks to various family and friends and, to some extent, DP

Conversation goes like this

Family: "so what are you eating there?"
DD:
Family: "what is it, what is it you're eating, tell me"
DD:
Family: Tell us, T...T...T...toast! It's toast isn't it? Toast!!

She bloody knows it's toast! She was about to tell you.

I just wish they'd stop and give her half a minute to answer. No one, NO ONE, seems to get this. Want her to feel confident learning to talk and not hurried along. It's not a massive deal I know but just pisses me off!

Worse is "what is that? It's a cat! What is that? It's a monkey!" Why ask if you're going to answer for her! FFS!

(Yes is my PFB, although soon not to be)

OP posts:
UnevenTan · 03/08/2013 21:19

Yanbu my kids grandparents do this. Really annoying.

Original poster
AlpenIsTedious · 03/08/2013 21:20

Hmm I don't really know what I meant by that last sentence! She'll always be my PFB! Just mean she has a brother en route in a few weeks

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 03/08/2013 21:40

Just tell them its not conducive to her language skills improving.

TroublesomeEx · 03/08/2013 21:43

YANBU.

Children need to be given time to formulate their answer and then say it. It's one of the most important aspects of developing children's speech - giving them the time to, well, speak.

They could actually delay her speech by doing this (in theory - it's unlikely to happen unless they see her loads) because, as you say, what is the point in her answering if the other people do it for her. They are not teaching her that communication takes place between people.

So annoying!!

ForgetfulNameChanger · 03/08/2013 21:44

I agree with pixie. I was reading something the other day that said exactly that, that asking questions and providing the answers puts them off talking even more because its a bit "what's the point if they answer for me". I used to be guilty of it Blush

Turniptwirl · 03/08/2013 21:48

I don't think it's even pfb tbh

She needs time to answer and will eventually develop the skills and confidence to need less time

TroublesomeEx · 03/08/2013 21:49

My brother ended up in speech therapy because I was only 3 years older than him and I always answered for him because the adults around were giving him the opportunity to answer and I just thought everyone was a bit daft.

HighBrows · 03/08/2013 21:50

This gives me the rage and makes me wanna shout shut the fuck up to people. It's not a PFB thing my youngest is 11 and when I'm out and about and see parents do this to their own children it makes me ragey.

It's just patronising to the child.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 03/08/2013 21:52

I've been told that my dd2 is behind in her speech because dd1 is so chatty and helpful that she tries to speak for her all the time. Well not behind exactly but she definitively isn't as eloquent in her pronounciation and speech as her sister was at that age and her sister is very dominant.

FredFredGeorge · 03/08/2013 21:56

If everyone else is doing it, have you considered this might be a behaviour that evolution has evolved for teaching speech?

libertine73 · 03/08/2013 21:57

Yes my dd is much slower with speech as her brother talks for her, he's only 5 though so thinks he's helping, have you said to the adults?

pianodoodle · 03/08/2013 21:57

That sounds really frustrating for you and your DD - YANBU

Tell them to stop it!

My PIL are a bit like this with toys like wooden jigsaws etc... In the unnecessary "showing" they just end up doing the puzzle themselves! I might give them a sticky star next time :)

JollyHolidayGiant · 03/08/2013 22:01

DM is normally wonderful but she had a very strange moment the other day when she did this to DS. Poor boy was just trying to answer her and she kept making suggestions. I felt quite ragey about it. Glad I'm not the only one!

AgentZigzag · 03/08/2013 22:02

You want them to see how clever she is, and they want to go away feeling they've had a hand in her development Grin

It's not about learning any words during that brief moment they're talking to her, she'll learn them over and in her own time, children like interacting, if there's a smiley face and a gentle tone your DD won't notice she's being patronised (which I don't think she is).

'(Yes is my PFB, although soon not to be)'

That did look a tad sinister Grin

BlueGoddess · 03/08/2013 23:43

My mum does this as well. I come in from work and ask my boys if they'd had a good day and what they had been doing.....And get a complete minute by minute breakdown from her Confused

She wonders why DS2 has speech delay Hmm

Cherriesarelovely · 03/08/2013 23:49

I agree. Dd talked really early and chatted non stop at home but if we were out she was extremely shy and quiet. If people spoke to her it would often take her a moment to answer and they used to butt in before she had the chance and then say "Oh bless her she's taking it all in"! I used to feel like shouting "she can bloody talk, she talks all the time, give her a chance"!!

zzzzz · 03/08/2013 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueGoddess · 04/08/2013 00:04

Forgive me zzzzz, I was obviously jumping to unfounded conclusions

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/08/2013 00:10

Yanbu.

It's not pfb it's common sense. She is very young and words are new to her. She's not able to answer instantaneously.

joanofarchitrave · 04/08/2013 00:19

Fewer questions and more comments would be recommended... but tbh if there's no problem with her development, there's no problem, let it go...

Justawake · 04/08/2013 06:55

Ok talking as a speech and language therapist here yadnbu. I have worked with lots of families where constant questioning and answering happens and has been a factor in language delay, not always though and will depend on the child as they all develop in different ways and respond to different ways of learning. Zzzzz you are wrong, for some children it can be damaging the point is not to assume all children will respond in the same way.

It might be worth waving some information in front of them www.talkingpoint.org has downloadable information sheets for parents with strategies to support language development and these are useful
whether or not a child has delays.

Childrens brains work a lot slower than adults and when they are learning language they need processing time to think of words and sentences which is why a
pause is sometimes needed. As adults we expect instant responses in conversation but this doesn't work for some children.

Phew I'll get off my profession soapbox now and back to my maternity leave :) but it is something that annoys
me a lot too! although only for another 3 weeks then back to the convincing people not to fire 100's of questions and answers at their toddlers

LoveBeingItsABoy · 04/08/2013 07:07

Exactly if you were learning another language you would be exactly the same, and feel very frustrated if this happened to you.

Justawake - your link isn't working

CreatureRetorts · 04/08/2013 07:10

My instinct is to give a child the chance to talk. I would get annoyed if someone did this. If it were family I would respond with sarcasm not helpful asking them to give her a chance.

hazeyjane · 04/08/2013 07:31

Justawake, does not giving enough space to answer actually lead to speech delay? I can see that it is not best practice and that pausing to give a child time to answer makes sense, but it surprises me that it can actually cause speech delays.

It is great that your family speak with dd, and I think sometimes relatives forget that a little one needs a little more time to respond.

The 'what is that-it's a monkey!' thing is something I do with ds, but only because he needs prompting to remember the sign for monkey!

hazeyjane · 04/08/2013 07:33

Sorry, I meant to say that calling this practice, 'damaging' seems surprising to me.

Responding with sarcasm or anger seems a bit of a wrong way to go about dealing with it.