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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who is being unreasonable here ( I think its him)

53 replies

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 11:34

Ok so im getting married in a couple of weeks and everything is paid for just counting down the days.

My dad decides to ask who is goin from our side and I tell him that its him my aunt both nans my mother and a couple of my mums sisters. He then proceeds to have a go at me for not inviting all HIS aunts and uncles and random family members I have not seen in years. I told him its my wedding and I have all the fanily I want there.

Well next thing my aunt is ringing me saying he now doesnt want to give a speech as he wont know any one at the wedding ( this is man who cant keep opinions to himself and has no problem with confidence).

I feel like he is being childish and now just want to cut him out of the wedding altogether. There is a major history between me and my dad and his constant failures this is just tje last straw.

Sorry its soo long needwd a vent.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 03/08/2013 11:37

Your wedding, do what you want. But you only get one father, granted you might have more than one wedding, but don't do anything knee jerk whilst you are angry.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 03/08/2013 11:39

I just wouldn't pander to his childish Don't uninvite him or react in any major way. If it's raised again simply say I'm sorry you feel that way but if you've made up your mind I accept your decision. He wants you to react and give in to his demands, don't.

Original poster

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 11:39

He has spent my life disappointing me and I was raised by nan and grandad my grandad passed away 6 years ago and with him went my realy father. The only reason I still speak to my dad is because I want my boys to know all their family.

OP posts:

WillYouDoTheFandango · 03/08/2013 11:40

*Childish strops

Original poster

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 11:40

I wouldnt give him I will just tell him that if thats the way he feels he can sit in the pew as a normal guest.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 11:42

My nan is walking me down the isle aswell because she has earnt the right. I never told hin he was doing it he just assumed it and told my nan she had to find her own way to the church as he was going in the car with me which was not what I told him. I said he would only come with me and my nan if there was room.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 03/08/2013 11:42

Wait until he raises it with you himself .... although I fail to see why you arent inviting his side of the family yet (presumably) his sister is phoning you and shit stirring.

Just a word of advice, it's so easy to get caught up in wedding traumas - you simply organise it and present everyone with a fait accomplis - otherwise everyone has opinions.

As a middle ground, cant you invite the extended family to the evening do? after all you've just said you want your children to know all their family.

Original poster

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 11:45

I dont know this family and originally I only wanted immediate family. I cant numbers have all been confirmed now.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 11:46

Also she isnt shit stirring. She helped raise me and we are really close. We have both had issues steming from my dad and have both suffered psychologically from it so we take care of each other.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 03/08/2013 11:59

My daughter got married recently. No way would I have demanded that my aunts and uncles were invited. My daughter wouldn't have a clue who they were. She had parents, grandparents, siblings, her aunts and uncles and cousins, and those were totally her choice. My daughter knew all the family members really well and wanted them to be there. We aren't a huge family and neither was the grooms so they had mostly friends.

It all sounds like a childish temper tantrum by your dad. I'm so sorry that he is still disappointing you.

For what it's worth, my dad didn't give a speech at my wedding because it would have traumatised him, not because he is horrible in any way. It was fine and nobody commented even if they thought it was odd. Some couples decides not to have speeches at all or have non traditional family members give a speech. Anything goes these days.

What I'm trying too say is that you could call your dads bluff and have him at the wedding and not walking you down the aisle or giving a speech. See how he likes that.

Toadinthehole · 03/08/2013 12:01

Presumably you asked him to give a speech. If so, I think he's entitled to have his views taken into account.

firesidechat · 03/08/2013 12:04

Presumably you asked him to give a speech. If so, I think he's entitled to have his views taken into account.

About the guest list? Really?

Original poster

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 12:04

He was fine giving a speech before and his written it he keeps bringing up my mum and complaining about her being there. He doesnt want to guve a speech because he couldnt get his own way with the invite list. I will call his bluff he probably wont come and then at least I no where I stand.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 03/08/2013 12:05

Why? It's not his wedding and he's behaving like a twat.

OP, just don't invite him. You'll have a better day without him there.

helenthemadex · 03/08/2013 12:06

your wedding your choices

Toadinthehole · 03/08/2013 12:08

Either a wedding is a family affair, in which case certain family members should undertake responsibilities (like giving speeches) and the guest list is a matter of decision by the family.

Or the wedding is a matter for the bride's wishes alone, in which case every other person - family or otherwise - is entitled to give the bride the finger for whatever reason they choose to give.

Which is it?

TSSDNCOP · 03/08/2013 12:09

Simply reply, via your intermediary aunt, that its perfectly OK if he doesn't do a speech.

firesidechat · 03/08/2013 12:10

I'm assuming he knows some of the people there OP? If so his excuse seems a bit thin. Don't most fathers of the bride give speeches to lots of guests that they don't know from Adam.

OP, you haven't been at all unreasonable as far as the facts you have given show, so I would say that you have no choice but to stick to your guns. It's his decision how he then handles it.

YouTheCat · 03/08/2013 12:11

Neither, the wedding is the bride and groom's concern, not just the bride's. And it isn't for a father to impose on the couple's wishes.

Ogg · 03/08/2013 12:13

Hands up who put Toad in charge ? Weddings are not either or - load of crap - wedding are whatever the people who are getting married want them to be.

firesidechat · 03/08/2013 12:15

Toadinthehole have you organised a wedding?

Unless the parent is paying for the wedding then it is up to the bride and groom who comes and no it's not a family decision. The OP is inviting all the usual family members, so she's not being rude to her family.

We paid for a substantial amount of my daughters wedding and would still not have dictated the guest list. It wasn't my place and she was more than sensible about who went.

Toadinthehole · 03/08/2013 12:15

Fine then Ogg. But if so, no one has any obligation to be at the bride and groom's beck and call in my opinion.

I agree with TSSDNCOP's advice. Tell him he needn't make a speech if he doesn't want to.

DoJo · 03/08/2013 12:16

Toadinthehole Those are not the only two options, and I've never been to a wedding that followed either of those formats.

Original poster

JustforMe · 03/08/2013 12:16

Of course he will know people. He has met some of my other halfs side and we our having a family dinner the night before in which he got grumpy about my mother comeing. He is bringing his friend anyway plus he will know his sister and her husband and children and his mother of course and my sister (his daughter).

OP posts:

Toadinthehole · 03/08/2013 12:16

Firesidechat,

Yes. Mine. The guest list was made in consultation with my parents and my parents-in-law. None of us at any point considered that anyone had the sole right to make the list.

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