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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my mums boyfriend around my daughter...

31 replies

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 18:05

i really need some advise. my mum and her boyfriend have had been together 3 times. twice, he has left her without warning and gone back to his wife. This time around I have said that I do not want him around my daughter (who is 3) as his constantly coming and going is going to effect her. It has caused a rift in my family, and I am feeling increasingly isolated from my mum and my brother (my mum because she always wants to be with her boyfriend, my brother because he lives with my mum) and this is really hurting my feelings. Neither of them are willing to accept my position on this and keep telling me that i should have my daughter around him. he was with her for several months both times before, and has only been back in her life for 2 months. I would not have a new boyfriend of mine in her life after 2 months, so I dont think it is unreasonable to have the same rules for my mums boyfriends? Am i being blinded by the fact I dont like what he has done to my mum, or am I being as rational as I think I am?!

OP posts:

Whothefuckfarted · 02/08/2013 18:08

Wow, YANBU, your mum thinks it's okay to have the married man she is having an affair with in and out of your daughters life??

Tell her to grow the fuck up and visit your daughter on her own for some quality Grandma/granddaughter time!

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 18:16

Thank you!!! apparently it is different this time because he left his wife and got his own place before they got back together?! IMO this doesn't change him as a person! I just dont understand why she has let him back AGAIN! but its really hurting me and upsetting my daughter, and I am being made out to be the bad guy for standing my ground. I have a really small family, so there isn't really anyone else I can turn to!

OP posts:

xylem8 · 02/08/2013 18:21

unless you live with your dm I doubt it will affect her unduly. I mean when my own dc were small they often didn't see df because he was at work when we went round there.
I think this is about you being hurt at the distance which has opened up between you and your mum.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2013 18:29

Do you live with them?

If not, I can't see it making a jot of difference to your DD to be honest.

If you're angry/pissed off with the way he treats your Mum and his wife, then fair enough.

But be honest, don't make out your DD is the reason.

squeakytoy · 02/08/2013 18:34

YABU

your daughter is 3.. she sees this man as a friend of her grandmother I imagine.. nothing more..

would you ban your mum from having a friend?

ProphetOfDoom · 02/08/2013 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 02/08/2013 18:39

I think yabu. As long as he's not being called, 'Grandad' and expecting (or your mum expecting) him to be treated like a member of the family, it really shouldn't affect your dd.

pictish · 02/08/2013 18:39

I agree with worra. I can't see that this will affect your dd in any notable way.
Take umbrage at his treatment of your mother, of course, but don't capitalise on some have baked notion surrounding your dd to do it.
That's pretty manipulative.

pictish · 02/08/2013 18:39

half baked sorry

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 18:40

I can see what you're saying, but this is absolutely about my daughter. I have already said that i will be civil if there is reason for me to be around him, but that I dont want my daughter involved. I am not saying that this is FOREVER, but for a period until it is established that he is not going to walk out again without warning. We usually see my mum at least twice a week, but the times that we are able to see my mum, he is there. She grew attached to him before, and was very confused when he left (both times). He has even told her several times that she can call him granddad (regardless of my protest, he continued to say this to her.) I had family in my life that were not consistent, and this caused a lot of upset for me as a child, and I do not want the same for my daughter.

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 02/08/2013 18:43

I understand why you dislike him, but unless you see him very, very regularly, I wouldn't imagine it'd have a huge impact on your daughter at this age.

Also for a period until it is established that he is not going to walk out again without warning - surely if nothing else, this site shows that someone can check out of a relationship without warning at any stage! Is it ok if he sticks around for 20 years, then leaves?

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 18:50

I would say at least twice a week is regular, she sees her dad that much and is very attached to him! If someone was introducing their boyfriend/girlfriend to a 3 year old after 2 months most people would have concerns. My mum is a huge influence on her life, like I said, I dont have much family. However, you cant tell me that someone always being there, then leaving, then coming back again wouldn't have any effect on a 3 year old! she gets freaked out when someone working at the nursery goes on holiday! (but at least then you can explain where they've gone!)
I am not saying my mum cant have a relationship with whoever she wants, but i think that we should be able to have a relationship with her, and not him!

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 02/08/2013 18:52

Your Mum is an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions in life even if you don't approve. You are quite entitled not to let your daughter have anything to do with this man if that's your choice. But you have to realise that this will probably affect the relationship your DD has with your Mum and brother as she might not see them as often. I doubt that your DD understands at the age of 3 anything other than this person is a friend of your Mum's and is sometimes at her house.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2013 18:54

Anyone can walk out at any time so I think that's a bit silly.

How 'confused' would your DD be if the next time you take her to visit, he's at work/out shopping/whatever?

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 19:03

thats different, I can explain where he has gone if that is the case, but I cant say where hes gone when he leaves my mum! she still remembers him, as she talks to me about him sometimes, and is aware that he made my mum sad! my mum is of course entitled to do whatever she likes, but that surely doesn't mean that she needs to cut out me and my daughter in favor of him?!

OP posts:

melmo26 · 02/08/2013 19:11

I think you should stand your ground. My dad was in and out of our lives while growing up. I can count on one hand the amount of times iv seen him in my whole life (im 26). Very confusing as a child. Where did he go? kind of thing.
When I started having kids I told him he must proove that he will not be in and out of my kids life. He never did! He missed dd2 last birthday and no nothing at Christmas. Needless to say I cut him off.

If your mums boyfriend prooves over a period of months that he is there for the long haul THEN I would let him into her life. Trust your instincts

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2013 19:16

Who made her aware that he made your Mum sad?

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 19:20

thank you @melmo26! you seem to have had a similar situation to me as far as your childhood is concerned, but not my dad, extended family.
As I said, I wouldn't allow a boyfriend of mine into her life unless I was sure it was committed, so I dont see that its any different for them. (I had no choice the first time they got together as I was living with my mum at the time) and absolutely, once I am sure it is a committed relationship, then I would let him into her life.

OP posts:

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 19:22

we had to go round there when he left, there was no disguising the fact that my mum was sad!

OP posts:

digerd · 02/08/2013 19:24

How old is your DB?

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2013 19:25

Why did you have to go around there?

Either way, there were plenty of things you could have said to a 3yr old that didn't involve telling her that her Grandmother's boyfriend has left her.

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 19:28

what would you suggest? him and all his belongings were gone from my mums house and she obviously wanted to know where he was and where his stuff had gone?!

OP posts:

Original poster

staceyw1988 · 02/08/2013 19:28

(and that was not a rude, but an honest question, i didn't know what else to tell her!)

OP posts:

ChristineDaae · 02/08/2013 19:30

I don't think YABU at all. She's your daughter. You don't want her growing attached to someone just for them to disappear/come back/disappear etc...

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2013 19:35

I see. I didn't really think about his stuff OP.

I suppose if he had furniture and that at your Mum's, it would be hard to hide the fact he's gone.

Still I don't think Granny's BF not being there when she goes round will have any devastating effect.

But you know your DD.

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