to not want my mums boyfriend around my daughter...

[staceyw1988]

i really need some advise. my mum and her boyfriend have had been together 3 times. twice, he has left her without warning and gone back to his wife. This time around I have said that I do not want him around my daughter (who is 3) as his constantly coming and going is going to effect her. It has caused a rift in my family, and I am feeling increasingly isolated from my mum and my brother (my mum because she always wants to be with her boyfriend, my brother because he lives with my mum) and this is really hurting my feelings. Neither of them are willing to accept my position on this and keep telling me that i should have my daughter around him. he was with her for several months both times before, and has only been back in her life for 2 months. I would not have a new boyfriend of mine in her life after 2 months, so I dont think it is unreasonable to have the same rules for my mums boyfriends? Am i being blinded by the fact I dont like what he has done to my mum, or am I being as rational as I think I am?!

It is admirable that you are trying to protect your daughter from being hurt or disappointed with a man who seems to be a "fair weather" companion to your mum.

Unless your mum's relationship with the guy is detrimental to her health then that is their business.

However, you doubt his integrity and that is causing a rift between you and your mum. Your daughter talks about this guy and he insists on being called "grandad", yet he doesn't seem to offer any stability in an extended family relationship.

As adults, the three of you need to establish a bond of respect but if that fails then perhaps answering your daughter's questions tactfully will ease the tension. She doesn't need to know anything extra unless she initiates the conversation

Perhaps mention your feelings to your daughter's father and see whether he has any ideas.

Good luck x

thank you. I see exactly what you're saying.
I already know her fathers point of view would be for her not to see him until he has been back in my mums life for longer (considering he refused to have either my daughter or his son at his dads wedding as he and his wife met and married within 3 months!)
I am very close to her dads side of the family, and they have witnessed the fallout of the other 2 times that he left and are very much on my side on this, but this of course does not improve things between me and my mum!
I know people leave, but usually you deal with the leaving and then its done, you dont then have to explain why they are back, then gone again, then back again! we obviously didn't think there was any chance he would be back in my mums life again, so it made sense at the time to explain to my daughter what had happened (in child-friendly terms of course, we didn't say that the lying, cheating man had gone back to his old wife, just that he was gone and not coming back and that my mum was a bit sad, but she'd be ok!).
i'll be honest, part of my is jealous that he seems to take priority over me and my daughter and considering she said they were 'taking things slow', i dont understand why there isn't at least 1 day in 7 that she can spend with my daughter without him there? and in my experience, when we have been there with him before, she still focuses all her attention on her boyfriend, not on my daughter, so it feels like there is no point in being there, or she makes a point of trying to force a bond between my daughter and her boyfriend (telling her to play with him rather than my mum, getting her to give him cuddles when she doesn't really want to etc.)
maybe i need to come up with some ground rules?! this is why i dont date around my daughter!!!

Are all meetings at your mums' house?I'd change that,either invite her to yours or meet outside either home.

Sounds like your mum is trying to create a happy family scenario,with him in it,and it's a bit too soon for that.

Is he there all the time,no job or anything to go to?

oh yes absolutely meet elsewhere

mmm tricky really as you do not want to distance mum which might happen. And it is really hard to know what I would do in that position. Can you talk to your mum or him and explain how it affects your DD.

he seems to be there all the time, he and my mum both work, and it seems he is there whenever my mum isn't at work. if there is a time that hes not there, my mum doesn't make me aware of that so i can go round. My mum generally expects me to go to her (i moved out 18 months ago and can still count on my hands the number of times shes actually been to mine)
i have explained many times to my mum that i am not comfortable with my daughter being involved in their relationship right now, but it feels like i am more or less being cut out until i am willing to have my daughter around him. i have said many times that there is surely some time where we can have time on our own together, but perhaps i am wrong in hoping for that. we've even arranged to see each other without him, but then she'll call on the day to tell me that he is going to be there. it just doesn't seem fair that my choices are to put myself and my daughter in a position that i am not comfortable with, or not see my mum?! i just wish there was a happy medium.