To feel this way? (Long)

[Firebomb]

My son is 5 months old and ever since he's been born, it's been like a constant fight between me and my SO. Yes, I know I'm a lot to blame because I completely blank on things I need to do most of the time, like phone calls and appointments but it just seems like he doesn't understand me anymore.

I was depressed with anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder before I got pregnant and still, five months later, I have horrible Post Partum and I feel like he just doesn't understand or care. All he does is yell at me and glare at me and snap at me. He doesn't wake up at night with the baby anymore, so sometimes I'm up all night back and forth between the bed and the crib and he wonders why I'm cranky in the morning and when I explain that I was up with the baby and I'm tired, he sarcastically goes 'awwwww, god forbid you have to take care of your own son'.

EXCUSE ME?? That's all I do all freaking day is take care of my son. Which I think is a major freaking accomplishment since I feel like I'm struggling through every move and through every breath. I feel heavy. I feel like I could sleep for the rest of my life. My stomach is constantly twisted into knots and I always feel right on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like even moving around the house is too much work and it leaves me breathless and dizzy.

Even when I try to start a normal conversation with him, he just snaps at me, cause obviously we're still fighting and how dare I try to alleviate the situation by being normal? I get that I've slacked, I get that I'm not doing everything I should be doing. I don't have a job even though I should, we have a lot of money problems and we're living with my parents and he hates this house. But I'm seriously to the point where I am fall out of love with him because he is always down my throat and badgering me and making me feel like shit.

I don't even know what else to say, it would take too long to go through all of our arguments and point out where we are both wrong but I feel like I would rather kill myself then spend another day arguing with him because I already feel like I am dying. I would never because of my son, but he is literally the only thing keeping me going right now. I'm not even eating that much anymore. I had a sandwich yesterday that I didn't even think was going to stay down :/

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a single mum and I don't want my son to not have his dad everyday. I really do not want to have to give my son up for days on end so he can spend time with his dad separately, that would break my heart. I love spending time with my son.

Am so sorry, that is a really shit situation. Are you seeing anyone about the PPD (ie someone professional who will really listen to you without engaging in competitive tiredness etc)? My DH was crap when I had PND, just didn't want to listen.

Do you have any family or friends nearby who would let you have a break and get some sleep?

Please eat/have a bath/read whenever you get a spare 2 seconds. It is so hard when everything seems to be baby/housework/baby/housework without a break.

Will your SO take the baby when he's off work so you can get a few hours to just breathe and relax without worrying?

Taking care of your baby day in, day out is a major achievement. Are you seeing your GP about how you feel?

Also, DH was like your SO after DS was born (a total wanker). It got better, you will be okay.

This is the problem. I don't have a GP yet, though I've been searching on and off but can never find one I might feel comfortable with.

I'm not good with talking about my feelings out loud and I feel like a professional might deem me unsuitable and take away my child, I'm really paranoid about that and refuse to go see one.

My SO does not work. He has a seizure disorder and the dr will not release him to work. I need to be the one working to bring in money but admittedly, I'm not looking very hard because I desperately want to be around my son right now and it is just so HARD because I barely want to get out of bed and do anything, let alone work at some job that I'm going to hate and miss my sons most developmental months. I know I would regret that for the rest of my life if I missed any of it.

Even though my SO does not work, he is gone most days, fixing friend's cars and sometimes he will be gone ALL DAY, as in from the time the baby wakes up to sometimes after midnight. Of course I feel like he's ignoring me and the baby but every time I bring it up, he jumps down my throat about how I should get a job and blah blah blah and if it would be the same thing if he had an actual job, but it wouldn't because aside from overtime, you only work 8 hours a day and he's working 12+ of course I feel like he just doesn't want to be around me.

He doesn't even say he loves me anymore and never gives me a kiss when he leaves. I haven't actually kissed him in what feels like weeks. (and it may have been). I feel like he hates me and I am so sick of feeling like I am sharing my life with someone who doesn't even want to be in it.

My depression has got me to the point where I've forgone housework, I forgone anything that doesn't have to do with my son, unfortunately. That is the only thing I am proud of, is that my son doesn't ever want for anything. He's always fed and changed and bathed and I am always playing with him and making him smile and singing to him. That little boy is basically my life right now.

I feel so alone and lonely. I live with my parents, but they are getting on in years and can't take care of a baby but for a couple of hours and my dad can't at all, so when my mom gets home from work, she takes him for a couple hours and I can relax and breath which is nice but I still never get anything done because I'm constantly worried that the baby is going to need something so I don't get to into doing something (like showering) just in case I need to rush downstairs and get something for the baby.

It is emotionally and physically exhausting to feel like I'm in this by myself when I still have a partner that is helping me.

I think going to the GP and asking for help/getting everything off your chest would be a big help. They will not take your baby away, look how well you are caring for him! You are doing an absolutely wonderful job.

I cried nonstop for half an hour at the GPs, within a week had an amazing lady from the community mental health team coming every week just to talk about anything I needed to talk about. It was a godsend. It is hard for anyone who hasnt experienced it to know how isolating PPD feels.

Could you take a shower when your mom gets home tonight, a nice long one, and ask her to come get you if the baby needs anything she can't deal with? Then you're not constantly thinking if he's okay and you need to check on him.

I dont know how to get your SO to understand but hopefully someone else will have some advice.

Be kind to yourself.

I think that's my worse problem is that I hate myself more than anyone else could

You are brilliant!! Look what a great job you're doing with your baby. I know thats easy for me to say and not easy to feel yourself.

Is there anyone at all you can talk to in RL? An old friend?

Please don't hate yourself. You are worthy of feeling happy, positive, cared for and loved.

They won't take your child away honestly.

You need to see a doctor first and foremost, ask them to run some blood tests before you talk about antidepressants. Giving birth set my thyroid into freefall for some reason, I felt horribly depressed and lethargic for a year until I was diagnosed with a low thyroid. It's worth checking.

I take it your OH lives at your parents' with you? It might be an idea to ask him to move out for a while just so that source of tension is lifted?

Yes he lives at my parents with me, but the only other place he has to go is his sister's couch or his car. If I ask him to move out, I feel like that's pretty much ending the relationship and I want to at least try to fix it before I end it. But there seems to be so much bad blood between us right now, I dunno how to talk to him anymore. He can be very snooty and condescending and is always smugly superior to anything I say because, at least to me, it seems he thinks he's so much better then I am. He has problems but he 'sucks it up and keeps going'. He tells me to grow up all the time but I think it's very childish that he think yelling, talking down, glaring and folding his arms is going to make me what to do what he says. He talks to me like I'm his 4 yo. (his son from a previous marriage)

I have a 5. Month old DD and PND, try a walk in centre if you don't have a GP, and they will not take your son, you are doing a fantastic job of looking after him. I don't get round to cleaning either, today is a bad day for me so its been tough. Please don't think you are a bad mum you are fantastic and doing a great job

My biggest problem is that I don't have a support system. I have my parents and that's great, but even my sister can turn on me at the drop of a hat. Especially if I don't agree with her on parenting. She keeps telling me to let my baby CIO but I don't want to and I keep telling her so and finally I just said 'whatever' and she told me I could 'take my whatever ass and get the hell out of her house'.

I don't even have any friends except some people I talk to online every now and again. I am so isolated and disconnected from the world. I feel like shite.

What the hell is he going on and on about you getting a job for when you have a 5 month old? You would be on maternity leave anyway at this point. Sounds like you're doing all that could be expected with a small baby.

It definitely sounds like you have PND, but it also sounds like it's being exacerbated by how he's treating you. I would remove a major source of pressure and ask him to move out for a bit. Where he goes is his problem.

Could you face any parent and baby groups? Are you seeing a HV regularly?

oh my baby has his own pediatrician and is developing beautifully. He didn't even have a problem with transitioning to baby foods.

My SO on the other hand, you'd never know he was gone all the time because he seems to think he does EVERYTHING for the baby. He said to me this morning (after I was up and down all night cause the baby kept waking, looking for his paci and he didn't wake up once to help) that 'he does a lot more then I think or give him credit for' apparently it's all because of him that the baby is learning new things cause he's the only one that works with him on it. I just want to strangle him sometime and it causes a lot of arguments, especially when I point out that he's rarely ever around for more then a coupe hours a day anyway and I'm the one putting in all the work with the baby. He gets super offended and just digs in on me even more about how I do nothing.

He's started comparing me to his XW now and how I'm 'just as bad' as her. I really want all of this petty arguing to stop, but every time I try to sweep it under the rug, it keeps blowing up in my face. I just want to be....a couple again and not this huge disaster that I dread facing every day. I used get mad at him for leaving all the time because I wanted to spend time with him, but now I can't wait until he leaves because then he's not here shooting me dirty looks or being passive aggressive and I'm not doing the same. It's exhausting being constantly on the defensive and giving my own dirty looks and my own snide remarks.

I think if we had money coming in, he would be such a mess, but literally the only money we had coming in was from the government, which got taken away because I stopped doing the work requirement, which was my own fault, yes. there was extenuating circumstances, but it's still not an excuse. There was a couple days I took off to watch the baby so he could work on cars, the was a couple days I took off because I wasn't drinking enough water (it was a very manual job) and got severely dehydrated (twice) then, when I realized I wasn't going to get my required hours, I just stopped going period. It didn't seem worth it to do something that was going to get me nowhere in the end and I wanted to spend time with my son.

I'm not going to lie and say I want to work right now because I really don't. I know that I have to and we need income, but my anxiety, depression and PND are making it incredibly difficult to want to leave the house or leave my baby without me. I don't trust anyone else to look after him, even my SO, unless I'm there too. I took one day where I just let him take care of the baby and I sat there and I watched and he got increasingly frustrated with having to do everything while I did nothing and I asked him why he was getting so mad if he was going to have to be doing this while I was at work and he just said it was because I wasn't at work and should be taking care of the baby too. Which is true as much for me as it is for him. I don't think he got the point.

If your SO is not well enough to work, he is not well enough to have the care of your child. Definitely not. And if he isn't stepping up and forming a bond with him, I don't blame you for not feeling ok about leaving your son in his care.

With all you have going on, I'm not 100% sure you should get a job. Aren't there benefits you could be on? Your PND, for one thing. I think you sound like you're doing an amazing job, to be honest. Not so much your other half, though! Maybe the two of you need to try Relate. Or spend some time together when your mum has the baby for a couple of hours. You need to find a place of strength together, you know? For the wee one.

Was the paediatrician comment a response to my HV/ baby groups suggestion? Hey, the baby groups would be for YOU!! Babies don't care about socialising at this age, but it would get you out and talking to other mums, and with any luck building the foundations of a support network.

Similarly, the HV can help you with all kinds of things- mine helped to get me "rebanded" on the council bidding list, as I was living on a damp boat with a newborn.

This "work requirement" thing is puzzling me. Are you saying that they sent you to do Workfare when you'd just had a baby? I don't think they should be doing that. AFAIK you are exempt from MWA (workfare) until your child turns 5. I think you need to be getting down to the CAB to work out what you're entitled to.

That is what I said! there are some days he can barely get around with his cane supporting him and he has problems getting up and down stairs a lot. He pushes through, I'll give him that, but boy can he gripe about it! I dunno if my PND will get me benefits without working for them, but I lost the benefits I was getting because I stopped working for them.

I just think that if I went to therapy, his XW would use that against me (she HATES me, even though I've never actually talked to her face to face). I had a hospital stay a couple years ago for depression and she told my SO that he wasn't allowed to have his son til he dumped me because I was a crazy bitch that would murder her son while he was asleep! WTF?! I don't want to deal with that again.

Also, when I found out I was pregnant and he told his XW, she told him that I should get an abortion because he needed to focus all his attention on their son and not some bastard child that she would not consider family to her son. She told him I would be a shit mom and if I went to therapy, I feel that would validate her and the comments would never stop.

hi, i am really sorry for your situation.
I suffered with depression for a long time before I had my daughter, and i remember feeling so helpless and hopeless that i could barely get out of bed! So in my opinion, the fact that you are managing to look after your baby is nothing short of a miracle!
It sounds like a sort of mental abuse he is subjecting you to, which wont help your situation and it absolutely unacceptable! I know I am not there, so dont see the ins and outs of it, but it sounds like he spends a lot of time belittleing you and making you feel useless and that is not good for either you or your baby.
It could be that that is just the way he is, or it could be that he is projecting his feelings about himself onto you. I think you both need some sort of counselling to get to the real issues. but he can not carry on treating you this way. It will have a worse effect on your child for things to carry on this way than for you two to split up. I know that this is not a situation you want to be in, but he is damaging your mind and your confidence and that will only continue to wear you down until you cant take any more. Please, for you and your child, you need to either get out of the situation, or see if it can be improved, but dont leave it and hope for the best.

stubbornstains - I was referred to this site by my best friend who lives in Bournemouth. I, however, live in the US. I know this is a site for strictly UK, but I get along with UKer's a lot better then I get on with American's lol. I just think the rules are different over here :/

I'm sorry, but if your SO can be out all day everyday working on cars, he can get a job. Does he have something like epilepsy, because that can be controlled with medication. Have you seen proof that his doctor won't 'release' him? Maybe this does happen, but I've never heard of it before.

Illness aside, he doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities. He's not being a good father, or a good partner, and he is living off your parents hospitality. Is this going to be a permanent situation? If so, it sounds like you will have to be breadwinner whether he's there or not. Would he make a reliable SAHD?

If I were you, I would address the despression issue as a matter of urgency, join some baby groups to make new friends, and then consider whether your SO actually adds anything positive to your life.

I didn't read your last posts.

I'd disregard his ex completely if she's not someone you ever see. It's better for you to be in therapy and making progress, than suffering because you don't want her to find out. Does your SO even have to know? You could take your baby into appointments.

OMG OP, I am so, so sorry that the system in the US is so cruel to people in your situation. I am speechless. I wish you the best of luck. .