My son is 5 months old and ever since he's been born, it's been like a constant fight between me and my SO. Yes, I know I'm a lot to blame because I completely blank on things I need to do most of the time, like phone calls and appointments but it just seems like he doesn't understand me anymore.
I was depressed with anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder before I got pregnant and still, five months later, I have horrible Post Partum and I feel like he just doesn't understand or care. All he does is yell at me and glare at me and snap at me. He doesn't wake up at night with the baby anymore, so sometimes I'm up all night back and forth between the bed and the crib and he wonders why I'm cranky in the morning and when I explain that I was up with the baby and I'm tired, he sarcastically goes 'awwwww, god forbid you have to take care of your own son'.
EXCUSE ME?? That's all I do all freaking day is take care of my son. Which I think is a major freaking accomplishment since I feel like I'm struggling through every move and through every breath. I feel heavy. I feel like I could sleep for the rest of my life. My stomach is constantly twisted into knots and I always feel right on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like even moving around the house is too much work and it leaves me breathless and dizzy.
Even when I try to start a normal conversation with him, he just snaps at me, cause obviously we're still fighting and how dare I try to alleviate the situation by being normal? I get that I've slacked, I get that I'm not doing everything I should be doing. I don't have a job even though I should, we have a lot of money problems and we're living with my parents and he hates this house. But I'm seriously to the point where I am fall out of love with him because he is always down my throat and badgering me and making me feel like shit.
I don't even know what else to say, it would take too long to go through all of our arguments and point out where we are both wrong but I feel like I would rather kill myself then spend another day arguing with him because I already feel like I am dying. I would never because of my son, but he is literally the only thing keeping me going right now. I'm not even eating that much anymore. I had a sandwich yesterday that I didn't even think was going to stay down :/
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a single mum and I don't want my son to not have his dad everyday. I really do not want to have to give my son up for days on end so he can spend time with his dad separately, that would break my heart. I love spending time with my son.