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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU -DM and my wedding

43 replies

Fuba · 01/08/2013 13:35

DP and I are planning to get married in spring/summer 2015. We have a lovely group of friends (about 20 of them) and are all pretty close. I have my DB and his wife and my DP has about 30 close family members. We see them at least a few times every month.

My own DM and DF live abroad. They run a few business'. When DP and I first got engaged she was trying to pressure us into getting married abroad (where they live) - I explained that it isn't something we were interested in doing we would be cutting out about 95% of the people we wanted at our wedding because they wouldn't be able to afford it/childcare issues etc.

I spoke with DM earlier in the week to let her know we are finally (been engaged 2 years) looking at setting a date for the wedding. She asked me where this wedding was going to be held (meaning England or abroad). I once again explained myself to her and her response was "well don't expect us both to be there you know we can't leave the business' at the same time"

Am AIBU or is she being an ass - they run 2 retail shops - they would only need to shut up shop (or get a friend in or something for a few days) they could come back for an over lapping week? I just keep thinking it's their daughters wedding surely they would want to make every effort to be there - I'm just so mad she knows i wouldn't get married without them both being there and i feel like she just wants to be awkward. My DB said I should just go ahead with what i want to do and plan my wedding he is sure they will both be there... But i can't help thinking what if they're not - It would break my heart

OP posts:

JustPanicking · 01/08/2013 13:38

Sound suspiciously like emotional blackmail to me. YANBU! I'd call her bluff. Do they never have holudays? Don't let her dictate how or where you should celebrate your wedding.

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2013 13:44

If you change your plans and get married abroad you will both resent it.

It's your day, have the one you and your partner want.

RoadToTuapeka · 01/08/2013 13:46

You probably don't want to explain yourself yet again, but can you repeat to them (or say to DF if he is more reasonable) that xx dates are when you are considering, and are there dates around then that work best to enable them both to come, to the location that you've chosen.

Be clear when you must finalise dates though, and if no useful response from then just go ahead with booking imo. Am sure they will miraculously find a way to come!

BiddyPop · 01/08/2013 13:47

Well, rather than me wading straight in with my thoughts on it (although, I think DM ISBU but compromises are always needed in families), firstly - where is your "home"? Where were you born and where did you grow up?

As in, are you currently at or close to where you are "from"? Did your parents relocate abroad to set up the retail business?

Or were you and your DB the ones who relocated? Meaning that your parents are in the traditional "homeplace"?

I ask as much because, traditionally, the wedding takes place in the bride's "home" place, hosted by the parents.

I know things have changed lots in recent years, but that may be part of your parent's thinking on this.

In any event, if you were born and reared either where you are planning the wedding or close by, and it is your parents who have relocated, then YADNBU.

If it's you who have relocated, then if you are doing all the arrangements and paying for yourselves, YAProbablyNBU but your parents have more cause to be upset.

RenterNomad · 01/08/2013 13:51

Some compromises you could offer are:

separate the legal service and the "blessing"/ non-religious commitment, so your parents can witness your vows but don't have to see yiur friends, whom they clearly don't care about.

ensure that the date is a "quiet" time for them, or coincides with a period for which they can get cover.

Original poster

Fuba · 01/08/2013 13:54

Biddy - I live in my hometown - It was my parents that relocated - 5000 miles away

I don't think she realised how much she would miss out on when she moved - e.g. Planning weddings and Grandkids. They have been out there since I was 19 I am now 25.

DP isn't happy at all. His family wouldn't be able to attend a wedding abroad and I love his family so i would want them there as much as my own. His parents have helped us out a lot in the last few years and I couldn't imagine pricing them out of attending our wedding. I feel like she is trying to make me choose between them.

OP posts:

MortifiedAdams · 01/08/2013 13:56

If your parents are prepared to put their business ahead of the their daughters wedding for one day then you owe them.nothing.

Have the wedding you want with whom you want and if they can dignify you with their prescence then so be it.

Montybojangles · 01/08/2013 13:58

They are the ones that moved, it's their problem. And repeat!

Original poster

Fuba · 01/08/2013 13:59

I am planning to get married in my hometown as well.

DP also has a DC from a previous relationship who's 8. Who's mother won't let us take her abroad (however this a seperate issue completely). So the DC won't be able to attend either.

A part of me thinks that i should just go ahead and plan it and if they want to be there they will ...

OP posts:

TheFogsGettingThicker · 01/08/2013 14:01

YANBU. Have your wedding where and when you want. They've got enough notice (about a year and a half?) to work something out.

Please don't budge on this. It is far easier to organise your wedding on your own turf, and for the minimum of travelling/fuss for the vast vast majority of your guests.

I suspect other members of your family would be if either of your parents failed to show.

Redorwhitejusthaveboth · 01/08/2013 14:04

Stick to your plans but don't get arsy with your parents - gentle repeating in a nice tone of 'its a shame because we'd love you both to be there' might work x

Original poster

Fuba · 01/08/2013 14:04

Fogs i think this is a little bit of what i'm worried about - What happens if they don't turn up - Who would walk me down the aisle... I think i would be really ashamed if my parents didn't turn up because you know some there would be some whispering going on "can't believe Fuba's parents didn't turn up" etc ...

OP posts:

meganorks · 01/08/2013 14:04

I think go ahead with your plans and hope they come round/call their bluff.
You say you would be heartbroken of they both weren't there, but that would be their decision not to come. You can't have a wedding that you don't want just for them. Surely you would resent them and be just as heartbroken about all the other people who weren't there.
They have 2 years to sort something out. Of they can't so that for their own daughter they are very selfish.

meganorks · 01/08/2013 14:09

If they don't turn up it will be a reflection on them not you. I'm sure another family member would walk you down the aisle. Really think you should go ahead with your plans.

Montybojangles · 01/08/2013 14:15

Have you spoken to your father at all about this, or is it just your DM putting the pressure on?

Why not call and have a chat with him, surely they can't both be this selfish?

No one is going to think any less of you if they don't turn up, but I imagine that it would still be a little upsetting for you if they weren't there.

StuntGirl · 01/08/2013 14:16

My family run a business and it would be a logistical nightmare for everyone to shut up shop for the day. At least one person would have to stay behind. Days away etc for both can be taken but it's planned miles in advance with military precision and sometimes even then they have to go home to deal with something if it crops up. So if it's a small business, and your livelihood, it's not always possible for everyone to just leave it.

Poppy4453 · 01/08/2013 14:18

Really they are very selfish. Don't bend to it. Weddings send people mad...next she will be insisting that she can bring 50 of her closest friend.

Do what you want unless she's offering to pay for everyone's flights, hotels, food etc?

StuntGirl · 01/08/2013 14:18

I'm not saying have the wedding abroad to appease them btw, just understand that it may not be possible for them both to leave. Upset at realising they're not both going to be there for your wedding may be coming across as defensiveness and anger from your mum.

I also notice you're less worried about missing their presence, just how embarrassed you'd be at what others say.

Crinkle77 · 01/08/2013 14:23

yanbu.I very much doubt that many family and friends would be able to afford to attend a wedding 5000 miles away. Could you honeymoon there as a compromise if they can't make it?

MrsHoarder · 01/08/2013 14:24

If you want someone to walk you down the aisle and they don't turn up, would your DB do it to represent your family? Suspect they're just bluffing though.

RenterNomad · 01/08/2013 14:26

I was once brudesnaid at a wedding when the father if the groom stayed at home with the dog, and there were definitely eyebrows raised... but about the father, NOT the groom!

Replace "dog" with a business - something less emotionally attached to your parents, and less unpredictable than a pet (or baby) - and your parents would look crazy and terrible for not coming, with that kind of warning and at a quiet time of year, let alone dropping out unexpectedly.

VerlaineChasedRimbauds · 01/08/2013 14:27

I don't think that's very fair or accurate StuntGirl! OP said it would break her heart!

If you run a business and cannot get anyone to take over from you under any circumstances whatsoever and cannot close the business for a child's wedding when you have nearly 12 months notice and a possible choice of dates - then you have a bloody awful business model.

I'd ask your DF to come and say that your DM can look after the business - or find a way to get someone else trained up.

If they could manage to get away for a wedding in their own country then presumably they would need someone to take over from them then? (Not for as long obviously - but they would still need someone).

EagleRiderDirk · 01/08/2013 14:28

could your dB step in and walk you down the aisle? or maybe you could go all Pippa Middleton (OK I know she was the bridesmaid) and walk down the aisle with your dcs.

I've got my second wedding coming up and am not sure about an entrance yet, but as both of my parents can barely walk at the moment I'm leaning to either not walking in and just starting informally, or walking in with dd (ds can't walk yet so no Pippa moment for me i don't have the bum either)

ChasedByBees · 01/08/2013 14:28

Please don't give in to her blackmail. If she chooses not to come and prioritise a few days of her business over her own daughters wedding that is her decision.

Having the wedding 5000 miles away would mean excluding your DP's child. That child is part of your future family and they need to feel included. Your DP's parents would be excluded too and all your friends. she is being so so unfair and I really do think that they would suddenly change their minds if you planned it.

I think part of a wedding is about forging your new family. Your DP, his child, your future children (sorry for being presumptuous). They will be your family and a wedding is to mark the creation of that new family. Don't let your parents make this all about them. I really think it would be the worst time to bend to their will and prioritise them above all others. You have to start as you mean to go on and honour your new family. Does that make sense?

BiddyPop · 01/08/2013 14:28

Oh well then - YADNBU!!!!

You are arranging your wedding in your home place, in the company of your friends and family, and to have all those around you in your own surroundings as possible.

And if it is being arranged for early 2015, that means your parents have about 16-20 months to find suitable options to find and train some cover to keep the shops open (which is probably sensible in terms of emergency planning for the business in any event) or make arrangements to close for 1-2 days just over the wedding itself. That is LOADS of time.

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