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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU -DM and my wedding

43 replies

Fuba · 01/08/2013 13:35

DP and I are planning to get married in spring/summer 2015. We have a lovely group of friends (about 20 of them) and are all pretty close. I have my DB and his wife and my DP has about 30 close family members. We see them at least a few times every month.

My own DM and DF live abroad. They run a few business'. When DP and I first got engaged she was trying to pressure us into getting married abroad (where they live) - I explained that it isn't something we were interested in doing we would be cutting out about 95% of the people we wanted at our wedding because they wouldn't be able to afford it/childcare issues etc.

I spoke with DM earlier in the week to let her know we are finally (been engaged 2 years) looking at setting a date for the wedding. She asked me where this wedding was going to be held (meaning England or abroad). I once again explained myself to her and her response was "well don't expect us both to be there you know we can't leave the business' at the same time"

Am AIBU or is she being an ass - they run 2 retail shops - they would only need to shut up shop (or get a friend in or something for a few days) they could come back for an over lapping week? I just keep thinking it's their daughters wedding surely they would want to make every effort to be there - I'm just so mad she knows i wouldn't get married without them both being there and i feel like she just wants to be awkward. My DB said I should just go ahead with what i want to do and plan my wedding he is sure they will both be there... But i can't help thinking what if they're not - It would break my heart

OP posts:

Wasapea · 01/08/2013 14:31

YANBU. Your DM should not be putting you in a position where you're made to feel bad. My DM didn't come to our wedding as she was 'too busy' with her business and refused to be near my DF even though they split years ago. It was just pure selfishness. Plan the day you want, OP. If it matters to her she'll make sure she's there. If not, you'll still have a great day. I know I did

EagleRiderDirk · 01/08/2013 14:35

sorry, ignore my kids comment. I'm going nuts. I swore you said you had 2 DC but that must have been a whole other post. I've quite clearly lost any semblance of a plot.

Original poster

Fuba · 01/08/2013 14:40

Thankyou all :)

I think I am going to carry on planning and ignore her attempts at trying to change my plans. I do need to speak to my DF about this he is more rational than DM.

She is coming over soon and I was hoping she would come wedding dress shopping with me (I know it's early but wasn't sure when/if we would get the opportunity to do it at any other time). I would like to change her mind about it before she comes over so we can still do this.

Wasapea - Were you dissapointed at all? I would hate to have this grey cloud hanging over me on what's meant to be one of the happiest days of my life!

OP posts:

HorryIsUpduffed · 01/08/2013 14:53

It's quite possible DM hadn't spoken to DF before she spoke to you, and that when you speak to him he will simply and say "of course we will both be there, wouldn't miss it for the world... I'm sure Steve will gladly hold the fort for a week".

Carry on.

Wasapea · 01/08/2013 14:58

Fuba I was a bit, but I wasn't surprised by it so had come to terms with it, if that makes sense. The day was so lovely anyway, I just felt it was my DM who missed out rather than me. But I have had problems with her for years, so it wasn't totally out of character for her to do something like that either.

I'm sure your DM will come round and even if she doesn't, I promise you will still have a wonderful day

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2013 15:06

Fuba, don't your parents every come back to the UK together? Or go on holiday together?

Are they in a tourist area? There must be peak times that you could avoid and trough times when they could take a few days. As you said (I think) they could overlap the holiday so that instead of having both with you for a few days you get one of them for the run up and the wedding day and the other from the day before the wedding onwards.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 01/08/2013 15:06

It will still be happy whether they show up or now. My mil did not turn up to our wedding. No row or anything. She is just like that. This is about you and your dp dont let your parents make it about them

KellyElly · 01/08/2013 15:26

She sounds a bit like my (now estranged) mother. When I was getting married she told me I was selfish and needed to realise that weddings are not about the bride and groom they are about the family

EagleRiderDirk · 01/08/2013 15:36

Kelly your DM is sort of right, but not just one side of the family/one particular person in the family like as I'm guessing is your case!

Emilythornesbff · 01/08/2013 15:38

Have the wedding at home.
Tell your parents that you would love them to be there, wouldn't be the same without them, understand hey will need cover for their businesses...
My guess is that your mum had a view of your wedding (do they live somewhere that ppl might go to wed?) and is disappointed that it will now be less convenient for her than she imagined. So she's being just having a bit of a strop.
Be nice but don't enter into an extended dialogue or feel like you have to make excuses IYSWIM.
YANBU.

Emilythornesbff · 01/08/2013 15:41

Also. It seems as though lots of grooms family will be there compared to yours. Maybe she can see the mismatch and it bothers her.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 01/08/2013 15:46

Gosh, what a strange thing for her to say. YANBU! Definitely go ahead and plan your day as you wish. Do you think she'll come round at all?

If it's any consolation, my DM was not happy when DH and I got married in London, where we'd lived for years, rather than in my home town. I think it's perhaps a generational thing to an extent? I know she had visions of us looking at venues etc local to where I'd grown up and so on - but DH and I did most things ourselves, including financing it. However, this doesn't really apply in your case - she's the one who moved away. Bizarre.

I think she wants to feel as though she's made the effort to be involved and so she's justifying the whole thing to herself by believing that 'if only they'd done it here', she'd have been able to play a major role. I wonder if part of her regrets all that she will miss, as you say.

I hope you have a great day. Also, keep bearing in mind that whilst your mum might want you to behave in a certain way, it's not just your day, it's your and DF's day. And if you and he decide to marry in your hometown, that's where you'll marry. Good luck!

allmycats · 01/08/2013 15:49

Your wedding Your choice of venue what does she not understand about that ?

Seriously if they put their business (for a couple of days only) before their daughter they have isues of their own todeal with.

Hope you have a lovely day !

CocacolaMum · 01/08/2013 15:51

You are giving your parents plenty of notice, don't worry about changing your plans x

lottiegarbanzo · 01/08/2013 15:54

Stick with your plans. She'll come if she wants to.

Gruntfuttocks · 01/08/2013 16:18

I agree with the poster who mentioned needing to have a plan in place for their business in case of an emergency. Perhaps that's something you could raise with her? No-one, and I mean no-one is utterly indispensable and it really is ridiculous to say that they can never get away together. Even if one of them only makes it for 24 hours for the actual wedding and the other is able to stay a bit longer, that would surely be an acceptable compromise for them? I'd be willing to bet that whatever arrangements you make, she will find fault and make difficulties over, so you are best off going your own sweet way and leaving her to fit in or not, as she sees fit. Trying to please her will drive you round the bend.

KellyElly · 01/08/2013 16:22

Eagle I think the wedding is very much about the bride and groom - it's their day. My mother meant we were kind of an irrelevance and it's about her . She is a narcissist though.

maddening · 01/08/2013 16:23

Look for a flight out from dparents home the night before and a flight back the morning after the wedding - they would be away no longer than if you had married at their home.

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