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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to skip this wedding today...

68 replies

DancingLady · 01/08/2013 10:16

A few months ago I was invited to a wedding reception, taking place this evening. Invite was via Facebook group. The person getting married is a lovely woman I worked with 15 years ago and haven't seen in about 12 years. We got in touch on Facebook and exchanged one catch-up email, said oh we must meet up, never did. And a few months ago she invited me to her wedding.

I accepted to be polite and because I thought it'd be nice to see her. But now it's the actual day I really don't want to go!

My reasons are:

It's really fucking hot today and I don't want to sit on public transport for over an hour, in rush hour.
My asthma gets worse in hot weather. I'm already anxious about this.
The wedding is way up in north London and I live in deepest south.
Am wondering if I was invited to make up numbers?
No one gets to chat to people at their own wedding, do they? I'll say five words to her and that'll be it.
I won't know a single person there except her
It's at a house not a venue, so they won't have catered a meal for me or anything
Would you even notice if an acquaintance didn't show up for your wedding reception?

Should i go? Think it's pretty obvious I'm looking for reasons not to...

OP posts:
FeckOffCup · 01/08/2013 10:19

I would be tempted not to go either but if you really don't want to then I wouldn't just not turn up and hope she doesn't notice. I would send an email or text apologising that your asthma is very bad today and you aren't feeling up to it then send her a nice card and suggest meeting up for a coffee sometime to see the wedding photos.

HollyBerryBush · 01/08/2013 10:20

Don't make excuses, just don't go.

BeCool · 01/08/2013 10:21

Don't go - it's OK.

I agree with FeckOff's advice

TylerHopkins · 01/08/2013 10:21

I'd do what Feck suggested.

UC · 01/08/2013 10:31

I think it's rude to just not turn up and not even say anything. I would send a message (on FB) apologising, saying that I was ill and wouldn't be able to go, and that I was really sorry but hoped they have a wonderful day and a very happy life together. Job done.

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat · 01/08/2013 10:33

I think FeckOffCup's advice is very good and tactful.

I would just add to the message that asthma + hot weather could actually be very nasty for you, just in case she doesn't realise. I'm afraid I used to think that asthma was in most cases some minor breathing difficulty that could be sorted out by a quick blast of Ventolin. That was before my sister had a nasty attack and had to be carted off to hospital.

Original poster
DancingLady · 01/08/2013 10:49

Thanks all, yep I was considering just not going and then emailing her later, reasoning that she won't be checking her FB messages on her wedding day. but yes that'd be rude. Feck - good idea, I've bought them a lovely card and I'd much sooner meet up with just her and have a proper catch-up than wave at her across a crowded room.

Will use my asthma/the heat as my reason, as it's just so horrible in this weather.

OP posts:
hatsybatsy · 01/08/2013 10:51

use any reason you like, but to not go IMO is rude. It's only one side of London to the other - you could just stay for a short while and then excuse yourself?

what if ALL the other guests are feeling the way you are? what if no one shows up???

WilsonFrickett · 01/08/2013 10:51

I'm almost 99% sure the bride to be won't be sitting on MN today, what with it being her wedding day an all, but as you have your answer I think you should maybe get the thread pulled as it's quite identifiable and I'm sure you wouldn't want your friend to come across it and be hurt?

I don't think you are being U, by the way, just that it's pretty easy for someone in the wedding to know who you are, etc.

Original poster
DancingLady · 01/08/2013 11:02

I very much doubt the bride will be on MN - she doesn't have kids. And I don't know anyone going to the wedding, so not sure how it'll be identifiable...?

Hatsybatsy - I'm sure most of the guest have seen her in the last decade and are closer to her than I am...

OP posts:
snickersnacker · 01/08/2013 11:15

It's a Thursday - how many weddings in north London houses can be happening today? I agree that it's pretty identifiable, but that may not be a concern to you.

Original poster
DancingLady · 01/08/2013 11:21

OK, point taken. How do I pull it?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2013 12:06

i dont have kids and im on mn

tbh i think your reasons suck, its hot and you cant be arsed basically

if you didnt want to go originally you should have said no/even given the excuse that cant get day off work (as a thursday) and offer to meet up after honeymoon for a catch up and look at photos

and yes i would notice if someone didnt turn up at my wedding or any party i hosted

WaitMonkey · 01/08/2013 12:17

Yeah, I think you should have gone to be honest. But you've decided now anyway. If you report your op, you can ask MNHQ to pull the thread on the grounds you could be identified.

specialsubject · 01/08/2013 12:19

you're not well - collapsing on the tube doesn't help anyone. It's only a party.

but do send a message or text - appreciate she may not check in time but the message needs to be there. Just explain that you really apologise, but you are not well enough to attend and wish her all the best.

TarkaTheOtter · 01/08/2013 12:23

My mum recently had her wedding reception in her house and did cater so the people who couldn't be bothered to turn up without notice did cost her money. She was really upset by the no shows.
You should have declined earlier.

TheSecondComing · 01/08/2013 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvieanneVolvic · 01/08/2013 12:28

[sigh] there's always one isn't there?

I don't think there is any suggestion that Dancing can't be bothered Tarka, but she is concerned about managing her asthma.

Another one voting for Feck's advice here.

Viviennemary · 01/08/2013 12:29

It is a bit off not to go on the day if you just can't be bothered. Nevertheless I do sympathise as I would feel the same way myself especially if you've seen her once in the decade. She probably will notice you're not there as it must be a fairly small wedding if it's in a house. Unless it's a stately home! I'd probably grumble to myself in the circumstances but still go. It's too late really on the day to decide not to go.

shewhowines · 01/08/2013 12:30

I'd feel the same. Tell her now though. Don't just not turn up.

EvieanneVolvic · 01/08/2013 12:31

Well that's how you read it Second .

I would say it's not that she can't be arsed is that she has a medical condition that is likely to be exacerbated by the heat (it's frigging 32 in London atm). And the fact that it's small and in a private house makes it all the more reason not to show...it kind of puts an onus on the B and G....

Crumbledwalnuts · 01/08/2013 12:31

Yes, I think you should go to. If you are unwell then don't but if you're just using it as an excuse I don't think you should do that. I would go and leave early. Leave after an hour. But not to go is rude.

EvieanneVolvic · 01/08/2013 12:32

And ftr I had my wedding reception at home, and one of my friends showed up for the wedding but her DP was feeling off and they went straight home rather than back to our place. We're still friends!

Crumbledwalnuts · 01/08/2013 12:32

I think yes you will be missed, and you will secure your place in heaven if you make the effort :)

KingRollo · 01/08/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.