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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made DP leave last night?

51 replies

AnneNonimous · 01/08/2013 08:40

Please be gentle I'm very emotional.

DP and I have been together just over a year now and things have for the most part been good. He came to mine last night to stay over, he was very very late and when he turned up told me he had done some coke earlier in the day. I used to be an addict and he knows that but didn't understand why it upset me. We had words but eventually made up.

Then we were talking in bed and the subject of rape came up, I can't remember how. It ended up with him telling me that if you are 'on point' it won't happen to you, and if I thought back to when I was raped (age 14) he's sure there would have been stuff I could have done differently to avoid it. And women shouldn't put themselves in dangerous situations.

I was disgusted and completely shocked. I told him how awful what he had said was and he said I was just stressing myself out and looking for things to be angry about. It was 1am by then but I asked him to leave as I didn't want him near me at that moment.

I've had some sleep and still feel the same. Numerous texts from him saying I'm overreacting.

Aibu to be seriously considering ending our relationship? I feel absolutely devastated.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 01/08/2013 08:41

I don't know what 'on point' means

However the whole coke thing would make me run away. Cant be doing with druggies.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 01/08/2013 08:43

You are not overreacting, the guy is an arsehole. LTB.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 01/08/2013 08:43

holly by 'on point' he kind of meant just aware of danger and in control of the situation if that makes more sense?

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 01/08/2013 08:43

im sorry you had such a rough night and invested in such a twat.

i would say his true colours are coming out and you are well rid.

the coke thing, is unbelivably nasty, and the talk of rape.. well i dont know what to say to that.

please dont let him talk his way back in. these are red flags.

LingDiLong · 01/08/2013 08:45

YANBU or over reacting. He sounds like a deeply unpleasant person - a rape apologist who doesn't take you or your opinions seriously. Get out now before you end up living together. I'm not surprised you're devastated, what a horrible thing to find out about someone who you were in a relationship about.

MadMadsMikkelsen · 01/08/2013 08:45

Oh god...that is a foul attitude, and wrong in so many ways. Why are you with him??

a.) He takes drugs

b.) He blames rape victims for rape

and

c.) he thinks this is perfectly acceptable & that you're being OTT

Most people wouldn't dream of thinking/talking like that about rape victims...especially if the person they're talking to is one Hmm

MamaChubbyLegs · 01/08/2013 08:46

So he's effectively blaming you for the rape? Victim blaming?

I never say LTB in seriousness, but I am saying it now. What a prick.

MadMadsMikkelsen · 01/08/2013 08:46

I'd have told him to leave and never even think of contacting me again.

So Angry on your behalf.

I hope it's not affected how you feel about your own experience too much and has just made you see him in a different light...

Pantone363 · 01/08/2013 08:49

This is not the guy for you. In vino veritas. Or rollie generally speak their truth whilst pissed/high/stoned.

Pantone363 · 01/08/2013 08:49

Or rather

KirjavaTheCat · 01/08/2013 08:49

Get rid. There is no way this man can bring anything positive to your life.

What an arsehole. Angry

Dackyduddles · 01/08/2013 08:49

Are you really asking if you were right? Did you truly think we would say "hell no. Keep him. He's such a catch?!"

Tell him it's over. Stay away from him. I'm so sorry but this guy is just trash.

Amibambini · 01/08/2013 08:49

Well, you have to ask.. If he thinks people who get raped had been doing something 'off point', then does he think the victim has asked for it or deserved it? If he does think that, even after your experience.. He is an unthinking arsehole with a huge empathy deficit.

Loads of people get raped, wether they have worn a short skirt or walked home al

JambalayaCodfishPie · 01/08/2013 08:51

You were not unreasonable.

You were not over-reacting.

You need to get rid.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/08/2013 08:51

He's a cunt. Tell him not to contact you again and change your number.

Thanks for you, OP. You'll find someone better frankly it shouldn't be hard

MadMadsMikkelsen · 01/08/2013 08:52

that attitude is wrong anyway, as it's often planned, even if only a little in advance & the victim has no idea, so obviously isn't aware of the 'danger'.

Not that it needs saying...

Amibambini · 01/08/2013 08:53

Bugger.. Phone. Walked home alone. That never, ever EVER makes rape an explainable, invitable crime.

Sorry op, but he sounds like a mysoginist.. and coke? A bit of a loser too, and pretty callous knowing your past history with it.

I'd lose the guy, he's a dick.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 01/08/2013 08:54

Yes he should have been more sensitive considering your experience. Saying you could've avoided it is horrible of him.

My husband and I were in a restaurant a while ago, and got chatting to this man in his 60s about his dog. When DH went to the loo, this old man grabbed my head and tongue kissed me. After we left I told my husband, and he asked what Id done to make him do that, assumed I mustve given this horrible wrinkly old bloke the wrong idea. I suppose cos he wouldn't do anything like that.

I think its not unusual for men to think that way, perfectly normal men.

Druggy aswell... you did the right thing.

WilmaFingerdoo · 01/08/2013 08:54

No sorry. Leave this relationship now. Don't invest one more second.

Ezio · 01/08/2013 09:02

Ditch him, what a disgusting thing to say about rape victims,

Dont put yourself in dangerous situations, ffs, are us women just meant to stay home, just incase, we might make someone lose control.

Fuck that makes me so angry.

ZillionChocolate · 01/08/2013 09:05

You'd be unreasonable to only kick him out for a night.

Whothefuckfarted · 01/08/2013 09:08

I'm going to join the throngs of posters asking you to please, please end this relationship NOW.

If you ever had a perfect opportunity to end things THIS is it.

Tell him it's OVER.

You will be fine without him. You don't need a drugged up twat in your life who thinks it's acceptable to tell a woman that at 14 it was her own fault she was raped.

What a total cunt.

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 01/08/2013 09:09

What a shit bag. Did he know about your history? Sounds like he was trying to upset you.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 01/08/2013 09:10

So he's a drug user, a rape apologist and a victim-blamer. What exactly are his redeeming qualities?

He's an utter cunt and you would do well to get as far away from him as you can.

livinginwonderland · 01/08/2013 09:13

I've never said this before and meant it, but LTB. You deserve SO much better than that. Look after yourself, please. Hugs for you, OP.