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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made DP leave last night?

51 replies

AnneNonimous · 01/08/2013 08:40

Please be gentle I'm very emotional.

DP and I have been together just over a year now and things have for the most part been good. He came to mine last night to stay over, he was very very late and when he turned up told me he had done some coke earlier in the day. I used to be an addict and he knows that but didn't understand why it upset me. We had words but eventually made up.

Then we were talking in bed and the subject of rape came up, I can't remember how. It ended up with him telling me that if you are 'on point' it won't happen to you, and if I thought back to when I was raped (age 14) he's sure there would have been stuff I could have done differently to avoid it. And women shouldn't put themselves in dangerous situations.

I was disgusted and completely shocked. I told him how awful what he had said was and he said I was just stressing myself out and looking for things to be angry about. It was 1am by then but I asked him to leave as I didn't want him near me at that moment.

I've had some sleep and still feel the same. Numerous texts from him saying I'm overreacting.

Aibu to be seriously considering ending our relationship? I feel absolutely devastated.

OP posts:
Eglute · 01/08/2013 09:13

He sound like a PIG! Run away from him ASAP ! He is not good for you. Run and never look back.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2013 09:20

A coke using rape apologist

What a catch....

Whocansay · 01/08/2013 09:26

OP, this guy is vile. He has shown you who he really is. Run for the hills.

I hope you're OK.

Xiaoxiong · 01/08/2013 09:26

This man is not worth a single second more of your time. Disgusting attitude.

And GoodTouch that's absolutely appalling - I just asked my DH what he would have done in your H's situation. He said he would have confronted him verbally, loudly in front of the whole restaurant, for assaulting his wife and then called the police.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 01/08/2013 09:27

I have to say before last night he has been great. Frustrating at times but who isn't. I just don't think this is something we can work past.

He doesn't do coke a lot, which was one of his excuses and said I was hypocritical because I used to do it. He just does not get it. The thought of having him around me makes me feel quite sick now.

OP posts:
MadMadsMikkelsen · 01/08/2013 09:33

Rightly so! I couldn't touch a man I knew held those views, especially having been raped in the past.

Thank god you found out now I guess rather than years down the line.

And if you're not doing it now, why would you want to be with someone that does, rape-apologist or not?

Cluffyflump · 01/08/2013 09:38

He knows you had a drud problem. He then decides to rock up to your home and announce that the had takene drugs.
He sparks up a conversation where in he victim blames women for rape.

He is testing your boundaries and is setting up to be an abusive twat.

Honey you were 14. There is no way you were to blame. At all.
Can you imagin being so crule to somone about abuse that happened when they were a child? That takes a special kind of wanker.

You feel like you do for a reason. Your gut is telling you he's not good for you.

SirBoobAlot · 01/08/2013 09:39

You're better off well shot of this arsehole.

Whothefuckfarted · 01/08/2013 09:43

This isn't something you can work past. You'll never ever look at him in the same light again. Your feeling sick about him now is perfectly understandable.

The fact that he isn't apologetic in the slightest and telling you that you are overreacting is even more despicable. Tell him it's over, gather anything that is at your house that belongs to him and drop off to any suitable place where he can collect.

I wouldn't ever want to set eyes on him again.

Whocansay · 01/08/2013 09:46

You USED to do coke. Then I assume you grew up and decided it wasn't a good ide. He does it now. That doesn't make you a hypocrite, but it does make him a drug user.

Tbh, I would bin him for that alone (but I'm an old fart).

Zazzles007 · 01/08/2013 09:48

Get rid of him OP. It sounds like your Twat-o-Meter is working well though, congrats! Grin

PeriodFeatures · 01/08/2013 09:50

Get Rid. Who the heck does coke on a Wednesday daytime?!

Someone who is not leading a very good lifestyle.

As for the rape comment............jesus.

All the best to you. I hope you can meet someone who is a more respectful and healthy person soon.

Littlegreyauditor · 01/08/2013 09:50

As everyone has said, get rid. His first reaction, on deliberately pressing all your buttons (drugs and sexual abuse) is to tell you that you are overreacting.

No apology, no concern for your feelings, just further attempts to blame you.

Get the nasty piece of shit as far from you and your life as you can. You deserve better, and there is certainly better out there.

pianodoodle · 01/08/2013 09:51

Hypocritical because you used to do it? What an arse. Presumably there's a good reason why you don't do it now - I think someone who would dredge up your past like that can only bring pain.

It shows he thinks less of you for it and he isn't worth your time.

His views on rape are also pretty vile but even more so considering he was talking to a victim of rape.

UnexpectedStepmum · 01/08/2013 09:57

Well done OP for kicking him out last night. It can be really hard when you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect or support you to stand up for yourself and draw a line. You did this, and you should stick with the decision.

You absolutely deserve better than this utter tosser. You have survived rape, you have taken yourself off drugs - you are clearly a strong person. You will be fine without him.

Callani · 01/08/2013 13:13

He's completely gaslighting you - he's purposefully hurting you and then blaming you for over-reacting. This is a classic warning sign of abuse and, even if it he wasn't a druggie rape apologist, I'd be packing my bags...

Montybojangles · 01/08/2013 14:29

The coke was stupid and thoughtless, the whoe attitude to rape and it's victims is shocking and disgusting.

Better to find out what a cock he is now than later.

Txt him back and tell him that a quick poll suggests that if you are overreacting then so would every other women in the world, because what he said and thinks is misogynistic bollocks.

Sorry you have had to cope with so much in life, and now you end up with this prize. You can do better.

Xales · 01/08/2013 15:48

Actually he is not saying this about women, he is saying it about children.

You were 14. A child.

What age does he think a child is responsible for being raped because they were not aware? 12? 10? 8? Younger?

You want a relationship with a man who thinks that?

'On point' would be to get out of a relationship with a drugged up wanker because that could be putting yourself in danger... So be just what he says and 'on point'.

FobblyWoof · 01/08/2013 16:55

Some people have a habit of saying really stupid things-things they haven't thought throughand when they do they see what a silly statement they made.

This doesn't sound like your DP. It seems to me like he very much meant it.

Tbh those views are enough for you to be questioning your relationship-nevermind the fact that he was talking about something you've experienced. That alone is awful.

Then we consider the drug taking which is a deal breaker for me and probably you given your past.

You were definitely not being unreasonable and I'm sorry you've wasted your time with this loser

SimplyRedHead · 01/08/2013 17:24

It is not your fault you were raped.

It is his fault that he's a knob.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 01/08/2013 18:01

YANBU. Don't see him again op. He sounds like an utter twat.

PomBearArmy · 01/08/2013 18:26

Take it as good news OP. You found out what a dick he is before you ended up married with kids.

Mia4 · 01/08/2013 19:17

Victim blamer and wanker. Honestly OP, what do you see in him? Why would you want to stay with someone who blames and shames and tries to erode yourself like that? Dump the cunt.

TimeofChange · 01/08/2013 19:28

Anne: I think it is very difficult to have a good relationship with someone who takes any sort of drugs, including alcohol, when you don't.

IME the drugs are always have priority.
MY XH always could afford to buy drugs even when we were broke.

He has never given up taking stuff and he's bloody well 60.
A very sad pill popper and dopehead, with only half a brain left.

Take your partners unacceptable behaviour last night as a wake up call and dump him.

Spend some time without a bloke and then find yourself a good masn who cares about you.

Best wishes to you.

RandallPinkFloyd · 01/08/2013 19:34

He's completely gaslighting you - he's purposefully hurting you and then blaming you for over-reacting. This is a classic warning sign of abuse

Exactly that ^^

You're spidey senses are working perfectly, don't ignore then.

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