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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work dickheads making me feel guilty about something out of my control

38 replies

MarmaladeTwatkins · 01/08/2013 07:13

One of my colleagues (who I do genuinely like very much) is getting married in 2 weeks time, in the Lake District. I and 2 other colleagues have been invited and have all accepted. I have been trying since February to get the other two to decide what we are doing wrt hotels/driving up etc and have drawn a blank. I made a list of hotels available etc and sent them to them by email but one of them has just been very vague to the point that I thought she would drop out at the last minute.

In the last few days, they have rang around hotels and found some with rooms available but also in the last few days, DH has broken his hand in 5 places. He is due back at fracture clinic today to see whether it needs to be reset as they think that there might be some rotational damage to one of his fingers. I messaged the two of them last night to explain and to say that I might not be able to make the wedding. DH can't drive (luckily, I have been learning so am able to drive him now) can't bath DS, can't do a lot that requires two hands tbh. Just got a really curt message back from one of them saying "well can you let us know ASAP? We need to book rooms and people have dropped out already. You also need to let X (the bride know) know"

I understand that rooms need to be booked, I have been trying to get them to do it since February. I also know that I need to let the bride know, but I didn't think one day would make a difference whilst we are waiting for the fracture clinic to assess. I know I am going to be made to feel shit about it but it can't be helped. I have no-one to have DS for me for a whole weekend as GPs are away and all close friends are also away! Gah! :(

OP posts:

farrowandbawl · 01/08/2013 07:17

This is why I turn wedding invites down the second I get them - doesn't matter if it's family or not.

Medical issues will ALWAYS trump a poxy wedding. Tell who ever needs to be told that you wont be going and ignore everyone else. Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/08/2013 07:20

You refuse every wedding invite, even close family, in case a medical issue arises out of the blue, Farrow?

Marmalade, I'd be tempted to write something snarky back like "Given the urgency of your request, I have arranged for a private specialist to be helicoptered in this morning and should be in a position to let you know by this afternoon" but I'd probably just roll my eyes and ignore. Hope DH is okay.

EatYourCrusts · 01/08/2013 07:21

Don't feel bad if you can't go! it's an unavoidable accident!

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 01/08/2013 07:22

Tortoise.

Have already sent a snippy reply or else I would have totally sent that.

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 01/08/2013 07:23

You can't go! Just let everyone know that due to DH needing surgery for multiple hand fractures you have to be there for him and DC. Don't even attempt to go, it is madness. You will be wrecked if you do.

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 01/08/2013 07:24

If it was local, it might be do-able. But it's over 200 miles away from where we live...

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/08/2013 07:24

Ooh, what did you snip?

I like a good snip.

farrowandbawl · 01/08/2013 07:26

No. I turn down ALL wedding invitiation anyway.

I'm saying in general, medical issues should ALWAYS come before a wedding.

Where did I say that I turn down invites in case a medical issue arises?

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 01/08/2013 07:26

That's so annoying. I hope your reply mentioned that you were well aware of the urgency for booking accommodation. Also that you know the bride needs to be informed - they are informing you of manners like a child!

SoupDragon · 01/08/2013 07:26

TBH, I don't understand why it is 2 weeks before the wedding and you haven't booked already - I would have just done it and ignored the colleagues. You can't blame them for the childcare problems either. It sounds like you'd be better off cancelling now.

Regardless - the colleagues are being twats. A broken limb takes over your life and it's surprising how incapacitated you are in the early days. DS1 broke his wrist a few months ago and there were lots of simple things he couldn't do. Hope your DH's hand turns out to be fine!

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 01/08/2013 07:26

ooh I like a good wedding though. I seem to be in a minority with that one :o

SoupDragon · 01/08/2013 07:27

Where did I say that I turn down invites in case a medical issue arises?

That's the impression I got from your post as well.

farrowandbawl · 01/08/2013 07:33

OK. I can see why you got that impression but that's not the reson why turn them down.

I turn them down because people turn into arseholes, or bigger arseholes than they are already, and I can't be bothered with any of it. I have not been to a single wedding or heard of one that hasn't involed some sort of drama that turns out to be a mountain made from a molehill. It's put me off them all and no, I'm not married or ever plan to be.

I still stand by what I said that medical issues should always come before a wedding.

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 01/08/2013 07:38

Really? I've never been to a wedding that has involved drama I don't think. Closest was my own, where it snowed a few days before and one of my friends almost couldn't make it. Oh and she forgot her posh shoes so had to wear her scruffy sandals, so I called her a bitch and told her she was uninvited to the reception.

PattieOfurniture · 01/08/2013 07:41

They've done you a favour if you think about it, at least you won't have to cancel any hotel rooms because of their procrastination.
Every cloud has a silver lining eh?
I'm sure they're not trying on purpose to make you feel like that, it's the way your feeling about it, you are feeling guilty, don't! It's a genuine reason that you don't need approval for.

Hope your dh's hand mends soon
Enjoy a weekend with your family and spend the money you would of spent on hotel and travel costs on lots of gin treats

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 01/08/2013 07:42

Tortoise, I was just a bit patronising, like speaking to a child;

"Yes. I do understand basic etiquette but like I said, I am WAITING for the result from today's fracture clinic assessment. THEN I will make a definite decision. OK?"

SoupDragon, no-one has been able to make a decision, apparently, on the arrangements. We need to drive 200 miles for a wedding that starts at 12pm so you'd think going the night before would be the thing to do, wouldn't you? But no. We've had all sorts of ideas such as getting the 5am train up to the nearest train station (30 miles away) and getting ready on the train I couldn't be doing with it tbh. I did my bit which was find all local hotels and prices, find out train times etc. All they had to do was MAKE A DECISION and that was too hard allegedly. I'm not doing their thinking for them.

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 01/08/2013 07:45

Could DH and DS come with you, be there for the wedding then you can get DS bathed ect at the hotel

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 01/08/2013 07:45

Good reply - they were patronising to you, assuming it hadn't actually occurred to you to let the B&G know

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/08/2013 07:46

"I do understand basic etiquette". Nice.

Just cancel, Marm.

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 01/08/2013 07:47

Not an option, McNewPants.

I've only just started learning to drive (had 10 hours of lessons!) so only feel confident driving around the local area. No way could I drive Birmingham to Lake District!

OP posts:

Relaxedandhappyperson · 01/08/2013 07:49

Why can't you, DH and child go on the train, book into a hotel and let your vague colleagues make their own arrangements?

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 01/08/2013 07:59

Because...

The nearest train station to us that goes to the Lake District is 12 miles away.

On top of all this, our roof has broken and is pissing in water. It's just cost us £500 :( to get it halfway mended. If we ALL go, that's three lots of train tickets/three hotel slots etc that we as a family need to pay for, rather than just paying once for me.

What do I do if I do manage to get them there? Just leave them in a hotel room all day? Hardly fair.

OP posts:

GinOnTwoWheels · 01/08/2013 08:04

One of my colleagues has a sign on his desk designed for people like this. It says something like 'Just because you have left it to the last minute doesn't mean I have to treat your request as an emergency' .

It is madness to leave booking hotels in somewhere like the Lake District in August to the last minute - anything popular will have been booked up for months and you will be left with the choice of whatever's grim, overpriced, or both.

I would also check up whether you are allowed to drive with your DH injured though - he is meant to be supervising you and take responsiblity for the driving - its possible that in theory he would be required to take over if necessary, which clearly he isn't able to do. I think the rules are that he needs the correct licence for the right amount of time, he needs to be below the drink drive limit and he's not allowed to use his mobile phone. This may also extend to being physically able to drive.

imnotmymum · 01/08/2013 08:04

Why is your family not invited Ok I could get the kids thing if it childfree but not even a plus one?
I would have made my own arrangements anyway and not waited for them to make a decision

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 01/08/2013 08:07

Shit, we hadn't thought of that Gin. I am on the insurance but didn't think of that. Oh it gets better...

imnotmymum, I don't know why my family aren't invited. I didn't do the invitations. Joking aside, I wouldn't necessarily expect a bride to invite the husbands/sundry children of work colleagues to her wedding. They're an expensive business and it's not like we're her relatives. It's fine.

OP posts:

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