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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think PIL are being a bit ridiculous re separate rooms?

113 replies

Irishchic · 31/07/2013 22:20

My dh's brother is 41 years old. He has been with his partner for 6 years and they have a year old dd. He lives in London, (we are in Ireland) yet whenever he comes home to visit his parets, he and his partner are not allowed share a room.

mY MIL's brother is visiting them at the moment. He is in his 60's and divorced this last 5 years. He has a partner of around 2 or 3 years standing now. They also have separate rooms in the house, even though they live togethe as a couple.

AIBU to think this is ridiclous? If bro in law was like, 18 or 19, i could maybe see what their point was, but now, as a grown man, it just seems a bit daft to me.

Am prepared for the flaming for being intolerant.

OP posts:
LostLion · 01/08/2013 02:36

Absurd...if it were me I wouldn't stay with them, but get a BNB or hotel room instead.

everlong · 01/08/2013 04:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eyesunderarock · 01/08/2013 04:23

My parents were like this, but they felt very strongly about married couple and sex. So we humoured them with good grace. Their house, however strange the rule.
If we'd felt offended, then we'd have stayed elsewhere and explained why.

Eyesunderarock · 01/08/2013 04:29

'Would anyone think, "their house, their rules" if the couple in question were married and not allowed to share?'

Yes, the truth of it doesn't change because the logic is absent. I've stayed with new parents that have had much stranger rules than a weird attitude to sex. Grin
My decision point would be the level of harm, if they rejected my illegitimate children, or my partner on racial grounds then I wouldn't visit full stop.
But being hung up on sex? I can manage for a day or two.

nooka · 01/08/2013 04:51

Seems a bit sad when the parents know that the consequence is that they won't see their son and grandchild very much as a result. My parents were not very happy that me and one of my sisters lived with our respective boyfriends for many years before marrying, and they are very happy that my brother is tying the knot but they didn't try and dictate sleeping arrangements once we were all adults and in committed relationships.

TWinklyLittleStar · 01/08/2013 04:57

I think it's more than fair enough actually. I never expected to share a room with my DP in my parents house before we married, and I can perfectly well cope with sleeping in a separate room for a couple of nights to avoid making my hosts uncomfortable.

Would the people saying it's ridiculous go into the kitchen of Muslim hosts and start frying up bacon sandwiches? I doubt it.

exoticfruits · 01/08/2013 07:06

I think that I would just stay in a B&B nearby.

foreverondiet · 01/08/2013 07:23

I think ridic - particularly when the couple are living together and have been for a while and even more so with a child. Fwiw my parents in law are v religious and when I stayed there before DH and I got married (we were early 20s) always sep rooms .... But recently DH uncle (divorced in 60s) stayed with his gf and my parents in law put them in same room. I was surprised as DH dad a religious leader but DH mum said would be ridic to give them sep rooms if they living together. Different to bacon!

TVTonight · 01/08/2013 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush · 01/08/2013 08:40

My mother was the same with my brother and his partner and their baby. I would not have been allowed to bring a bloke home for the night either, partner or not.

I'm very much the same. My house, my rules, you don't like the rules, then you can live somewhere else.

Just because the older generation have standards that differ from those prevalent today doesn't mean those standards are wrong.

Eyesunderarock · 01/08/2013 08:43

As I said, a lot of people have ridiculous rules in their homes that make no sense to other people. But that is their right and their choice and if you go and stay with them, you put up with the rules if you choose to be in their home.

exoticfruits · 01/08/2013 08:50

It is their house and they can make their own rules-I wouldn't bother arguing as if I was still a child- I would just rise above it and stay elsewhere when visiting. If they comment just tell them that you prefer to be in the same room and so will do your own thing, but be happy to see them in the day.

Original poster
Irishchic · 01/08/2013 08:57

I suppose at least they are consistent in that they are treating the 60something year old uncle in the same way as their 41yo ds by having him and his girlfriend in separate rooms.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 01/08/2013 09:08

Wasn't allowed to share a bedroom with DH(then bf) til we started living together - at my parents or at his parents. We were fairly young though, met at 16y. Rest of time we were at separate universities but parents live in same town so wasn't really an issue as had own bedrooms to go to. Once living together when uni finished we could share.

Xiaoxiong · 01/08/2013 09:16

Their house, their rules - but then they can't be upset if people don't want to stay with them, and they only have themselves to blame if they don't see as much of their granddaughter at their house as they would like.

Kind of like getting married in Bora Bora - your wedding, do what you like, but don't get upset when people can't come because it's too far away.

Xiaoxiong · 01/08/2013 09:18

I wonder what they would have made of my parents, who after 20 years, 2 DCs, surname changes etc found out courtesy of immigration officials that they weren't actually married.

chickensaladagain · 01/08/2013 09:20

My parents do this

None of us stay

neunundneunzigluftballons · 01/08/2013 09:36

I am interested if people think me and my husband should have slept in different rooms and taken on board someone not having respect for our marriage. Dh was factual and non confrontational.
I also think it is pretty shit for the child involved in the op that her grandparents are disrespecting her parents relationship. You see I look at my family and for the most part dhs family and they are from that rural Ireland strong catholic background and have moved on so I have limited sympathy for those who have not. They are also having massive influence on this abortion issue so it drives me crazy.

Loopylala7 · 01/08/2013 09:37

Ridiculous, but it is their house I guess.

LunaticFringe · 01/08/2013 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 01/08/2013 09:37

In Ireland I mean

hothereinnit · 01/08/2013 09:40

I'd tell them I'd had a quick no-fuss registry office marriage, tbh.

they think all ok as married, and no hassle re: B&B/hotel/upsetting relatives/getting into religious arguments. job done.

Shrugged · 01/08/2013 09:40

Holly, there's a difference between 'bringing a guy home for the night' and not being allowed to share a room with the long term partner with whom you have a child!

I'm Irish, and while my parents are somewhat more liberal in their views, I certainly think its not wildly unusual for the generation in, say, their seventies now.

I think what annoys me about it as a view (when applied to a situation like the one described by the OP, rather than someone bringing home a one night stand to their parents' house) is that it's so tokenistic. The parents know perfectly well that these people are in a long term, committed rel with offspring, but they feel that their discomfort with their non-married status takes precedence, so that for the two nights nor whatever that they have them to stay, everyone s asked to pretend no sex has taken place because no marriage has taken place. Despite the existence of a child. Just so they can say 'Not under my roof!'

It's not even usually down to extreme devoutness, in my experience, more about what the neighbours would be perceived to think. My thirty year cousin married recently in Ireland. He has not been a practising Catholic since his school days, and his parents, who go to Mass weekly out of habit but are not at all devout, are aware he has no religious belief. Neither does his fiancee. Yet his father almost disowned my cousin because he didn't have a Catholic wedding. He thought their expensive civil wedding in a hotel wax 'a bit hole and corner'. Apparently he should have pretended and gone through the motions in church, because its 'what people do'.

The appearance of religious observance and respectability is very blended together for the older generation.

Ragwort · 01/08/2013 09:44

I think it's fair enough, if people don't like the 'rules' then surely they can stay in b & B.

And what is so bad about having a separate room for a night or two anyway? I don't understand why people feel they have to share a room all the time. I have been married 25 years and my DH and I prefer to sleep separately so it is a real pain if we stay with family and friends and we are expected to share a room Grin.

Highlander · 01/08/2013 09:48

My Irish in-laws were like this.

We 'had to' (DH's words) pretend that we weren't living together before we were married.

A civil ceremony was out of the question, and they went MENTAL when I refused to change my name.

I really don't know why I put up with allowing DH to behave like he was a teenager. Our early marriage was peppered with DH constantly saying, 'mum and dad won't approve'.

I wish I'd stood my ground, and said that I'm just not that sort of woman.