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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think PIL are being a bit ridiculous re separate rooms?

113 replies

Irishchic · 31/07/2013 22:20

My dh's brother is 41 years old. He has been with his partner for 6 years and they have a year old dd. He lives in London, (we are in Ireland) yet whenever he comes home to visit his parets, he and his partner are not allowed share a room.

mY MIL's brother is visiting them at the moment. He is in his 60's and divorced this last 5 years. He has a partner of around 2 or 3 years standing now. They also have separate rooms in the house, even though they live togethe as a couple.

AIBU to think this is ridiclous? If bro in law was like, 18 or 19, i could maybe see what their point was, but now, as a grown man, it just seems a bit daft to me.

Am prepared for the flaming for being intolerant.

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/07/2013 22:47

Oh and the YANBU!

Original poster

Irishchic · 31/07/2013 22:47

Who is ridiculing them diddl?

I am outlining a situation and voicing my opinion that this situation is ridiculous. My opinion only. And one that I, and any one else who cares to comment, is free to express I think.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 31/07/2013 22:48

I think once people are clearly a family, respect for that family trumps religion. Children make it clear cut which way to go. With adult kids and newish, changing partners I think I would probably allow it over the age of 21 and mind my own business about how "serious" they have to be.

ImNotBloody14 · 31/07/2013 22:49

Why different rules for an 18/19 year old man than an older one?

Original poster

Irishchic · 31/07/2013 22:49

Hearts no not rebelling at all. They are just quite laid back and not in any hurry to tie the knot, they will get around to it at some stage.

OP posts:

neunundneunzigluftballons · 31/07/2013 22:51

My husband's uncle in rural Ireland gave us seperate rooms when we were married forget logic in some folk in that generation it just does not apply.

Morloth · 31/07/2013 22:52

Of course it is silly, but it is their house.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 31/07/2013 22:56

Is BIL revolting against a very strict Catholic upbringing by not marrying his partner?

1/3 of babies born in Ireland now are to unmarried parents now so it really isn't being the mad rebel it might have been years ago though.

WafflyVersatile · 01/08/2013 00:07

It's ridiculous of course but their house, their rules. If they do not want unmarried couples in the same room then that is their prerogative.

Jan49 · 01/08/2013 00:07

OTOH I think 'their house, their rules' but OTOH I think if I were the couple I'd stay elsewhere and refuse to be treated that way.

AdoraBell · 01/08/2013 00:12

PILs did this when we we had been living together, OH was 39 and divorced, I was 27. It was rediculous, but their rules in their house. Oddly SIL managed to get PG without ever sharing a room with the BF

squoosh · 01/08/2013 00:14

My parents are like this, or were like this to an extent, they've relaxed a hell of a lot. But I know tons of people from that generation that have the very same rules.

I don't see any point in letting it irritate you, it's their home and it's only a short stay.

BuildMeUpButtercup · 01/08/2013 00:18

Can totally see my parents doing this. In fact they did, as in you're not married yet and there's no way on earth on you're sharing a room.
Even though I was 24 and perfectly old enough.

notallytuts · 01/08/2013 00:21

My dad knew someone who wouldnt let his parents share a room when they stayed at his house on account of their intolerance of him sharing a room with any long term girlfriend at their house

BuildMeUpButtercup · 01/08/2013 00:43

In fact I was 24, and had been in the same friggin' relationship for 6 YEARS! Nope, you're not married, not living together so nope you're not sharing a bedroom.
The 6 years thing meant nothing though, apparently! We're married now. We're now allowed to share a room can you tell this still pisses me off lol

Gruntfuttock · 01/08/2013 00:46

neunundneunzigluftballons I know you said 'forget logic' but did you or your DH ask him why on earth he wouldn't allow even a married couple to share a room?

5madthings · 01/08/2013 00:50

How ridiculous.

I would refuse to stay.

Funnily enough when dp first came to stay at my parents my mum tried to make us have desperate rooms, i was 19, I did point out that as I was already pregnant it was like bolting the stable door after the horse had bolted!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 01/08/2013 00:54

I wouldn't have that 'rule' in my house but I'd be ok with them having that rule in theirs. It seems a bit daft to you but is clearly important to them. Just go with it or stay somewhere else.

Gruntfuttock · 01/08/2013 00:54

5madthings desperate rooms sound quite scary.

5madthings · 01/08/2013 00:55

Lol, my nexus doesn't seem to like seperate... Dam auto correct!

MidniteScribbler · 01/08/2013 01:03

It's ridiculous by today's standards, but it's her home, so her choice. They can then choose whether or not to stay based on her preferences. She's not running a hotel, it's her home. Presumably, she's not constantly harassing them for their choices, but merely states that under her roof she's not comfortable with them sharing a bed. If you can't spend a night in a bed separate from your partner, then stay somewhere else.

It's a bit like the "friends" who rang and asked to come for a visit, then demanded I put my dogs in to kennels (at my expense) for the duration of their visit. Nope, if you don't like dogs, then there's plenty of hotels around that will welcome your business.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/08/2013 01:12

My MIL (before DH and I married) expected my DH to share a bed with his brother so we could have seperate rooms.
(The brother who had a pg girlfriend , so not married and not a child)

I sooooo wanted to tell her that after driving all day I wouldn't be jumping on her son's bones. She would've been cat's bum faced

neunundneunzigluftballons · 01/08/2013 01:17

Dh didn't ask he just told him we were married and had a child and we would be sharing a room. We weren't married in a church it probably didn't really count.

HoikyPoiky · 01/08/2013 01:43

My DHs mum is a devout catholic and it didnt cross my mind to want to sleep in the same room as my DH before we were married when we stayed at her house. She would never have told us not to sleep together but I think it was respectful and polite of us to sleep seperately when we were in her house. I was happy to do it for her and I like to think she appriciated it.

I am a 100% athiest but I wouldn't force my opinions on my MIL in her own house. Obviously when she visited our house my DH and I always shared a room but we felt that was different because it was our house. I am happy for my kids to have there 'steady' partners sleep over. It doesn't bother me in the slightest but I am more than 40 years younger than my MIL

What is the big deal with sleeping in seperate rooms for a few nights? It isn't difficult

I don't think it's 'ridiculous' though. They grew up in very different times and probably see it as perfectly normal.

deleted203 · 01/08/2013 02:14

I think you just have to accept that people have different views, TBH. And they have every right not to be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home. They are the same generation as my parents, I guess, (76 & 74) and my parents used to put me and DP in separate rooms when we went to stay, despite us having lived together for 4 years. Once we were married we got the double room!

It didn't particularly bother us. I simply accepted that my mother, in particular, was brought up with the belief that sex before marriage is not acceptable and would not condone her unmarried daughter sharing a bed with a man under her roof.

Presumably your DB and his partner could book into a B&B instead if they preferred.

I suspect your parents also worry about 'what the neighbours might think'. But I think you need to accept that they have a certain set of moral values they were brought up with that they will stick with.

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