Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my situation - anyone else separated from kids dad and hate your arrangements?

58 replies

Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 07:57

I currently have my son thurs fri and sat night until sunday tea time. This is because of work/school/holiday club/transport problems. It basically means that apart from a friday I do no school runs, and have very little to do with his schooling. His dad has him the rest of the time. I feel like a terrible mother. Is my son (7) going to remember a childhood with his dad being the main carer and resent me?

OP posts:
ThisWayForCrazy · 31/07/2013 07:59

I imagine, given that he actually spends more of his free time with you, he would see you as the main carer. But, as long as he is a happy, well rounded child, what does it matter?

Sparklysilversequins · 31/07/2013 07:59

That's 60/40 isn't it? Can you up to 50/50 without too much stress on your ds?

I feel for you, I would HATE that Sad.

DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:05

Yanbu.

Could you have him Sunday and drop him to school on Mondays? Might make it fairer?

This is the sort of thing stopping me from leaving my P even though he's an unsupportive twat. It must be so hard :(

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble · 31/07/2013 08:06

I feel for you. My kids have told their father that they don't want to do the travelling to his any more and that they want to see him in our home town. He's flat out refused and is saying things like 'oh ill never get to see you any more' 'your mum clearly doesn't want me to see you any more' etc and is bullying them to change their mind.

They are so upset about it and have started asking why DH isn't their proper dad because he doesn't upset them Sad

Split parenting is shit. Whatever you do you'll feel guilty about it

AnythingNotEverything · 31/07/2013 08:09

I think it's hard both ways. Your exP probably hates that he never gets a weekend!

Separated families have to do the best they can. Negotiate, be flexible, and always put the kids first.

We split things about 70/30 and there's regularly some irritation with it. It's a very fine balance, but DS is happy.

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 08:09

I cant take him to school on mondays because of work, I have to be in the office 12 miles in opposite direction at 7.30. I live 8 miles from the school also :( I physically cant have him any more than I do because of work.

After work today I am going to meet him at the cinema (his dad is dropping him off) but later he will have to go home (see - even I think of his dads as home!!) and I will make my way home on the train :(

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 31/07/2013 08:13

You could get a childminder to do take him to breakfast club before school....

Bruthastortoise · 31/07/2013 08:15

Why would he go to a childminder neo when his dad is able to do it?

Bruthastortoise · 31/07/2013 08:17

Charlie as long as you and his dad are amicable all you're son will ever remember is that he had two parents who loved and wanted him.

nkf · 31/07/2013 08:17

You poor thing. You sound so sad. Could he stay with you on Wednesday? Or make more of the weekends? Make time on one night to do homework? I feel for you.

Sparklysilversequins · 31/07/2013 08:17

Because then OP would get an extra night with him.

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 08:18

I thought of a child minder but I live quite far from his school, and in the opposite direction to work (I am in the middle-ish, work 12 miles one way, school 8 miles the other) public transport in the village the school is in is terrible and doesnt run early enough for me to get to work on time, plus would mean us leaving the house mega early to get him to childminders.....like before 6am......and getting taxi's which we cant afford to be doing.

OP posts:
Bruthastortoise · 31/07/2013 08:19

At the expense of the child having to get up at the crack of dawn to have to go to a childminder? At OP already as him until Sunday evening so it would be for the sake of a couple of hours.

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 08:19

We do loads at the weekends, and I love my time with him, but I feel like im not a proper mum because of not doing the boring stuff iykwim........

OP posts:
Bruthastortoise · 31/07/2013 08:23

His dad probably feels like he's not a proper parent because he doesn't get to do any of the fun stuff. As long as your wee son is happy and settled them both of you can relax in the knowledge that you're both doing a good job in difficult circumstances.

Sparklysilversequins · 31/07/2013 08:24

She has him till tea time on the Sunday. It's not another couple of hours it's a whole night whether he's asleep or not, he's there and she's with him, getting to do the practical stuff and get him off to school etc. it's good for DC to see BOTH parents doing all the practical stuff for them and I imagine he'd only be getting up an hour earlier on that day.

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 08:24

another problem is that we are living with my mum and ds doesn't have a room of his own - it makes me feel like he is a visitor and probably makes him feel the same. I am sharing a room with my sister! Its temporary while I save for a deposit for a new place (had to move from last place for personal reasons)

OP posts:
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:25

I think whatever you were doing you would feel slightly guilty, op, which you shouldn't at all.

You have the best of both worlds.

My parents split when I was two and I was with my dad when you have your son and I remember much more of those times than I do with my mum because he would take me cool places on the weekend and treat me to takeaways infront of the tv.

Don't feel bad, you're doing great

Bruthastortoise · 31/07/2013 08:26

Well no sparkly OP has just said he would be leaving the house before 6am. And the OP does the school run on a Friday.

wisheshappentobehorsestoday · 31/07/2013 08:26

Growing up. I saw my dad every Wednesday and every second weekend - I never thought he was less of a parent for it and we had great reaationship in my teens and now into adulthood.

Cherriesarelovely · 31/07/2013 08:27

That does sound difficult for both you and your ex. I wouldn't like to be in either situation, never being there during the week with Ds or never being there at the weekend. It doesn't mean that your Ds is suffering though, he may well be fine with the arrangement but I totally see how upsetting it is for you. What about school holidays? Do you take holidays from work so that you can have him then?

Fifi2406 · 31/07/2013 08:54

I feel very sad for you but it doesn't make you any less of a mum! You say you have him Thursday and Friday I assume that's after school and before school on Thursday? Can you do some homework Thursday night? Don't be so hard on yourself your son probably doesn't worry about the situation at all! Plus you get the weekend which is the best time Smile hope you feel better

MsVestibule · 31/07/2013 09:06

I can see why it's upsetting but I bet your son couldn't care less! Does ge seem OK with the arrangement? I imagine you'll feel much better once you're in a home of your own - when is that likely to happen?

springytotty · 31/07/2013 09:07

Yes that is shit. I feel for you.

Is your boy happy with the arrangements? If he's unhappy too then something has to shift. something has to shift, anyway. My kids hated the to-ing and fro-ing and wouldn't have been able to cope with 'moving' so regularly - they spent every other w/e with their dad. I'm not suggesting that as a viable arrangement for you, just that that worked for us (just).

Sparklysilversequins · 31/07/2013 09:09

Well Brutha I don't have to agree with you. Don't take it personally Smile.

OP I hope you get your own place soon. That will probably really help you feel like your place is home too.