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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my situation - anyone else separated from kids dad and hate your arrangements?

58 replies

Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 07:57

I currently have my son thurs fri and sat night until sunday tea time. This is because of work/school/holiday club/transport problems. It basically means that apart from a friday I do no school runs, and have very little to do with his schooling. His dad has him the rest of the time. I feel like a terrible mother. Is my son (7) going to remember a childhood with his dad being the main carer and resent me?

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 31/07/2013 09:23

I'd think (provided theres not a reason your ex can't have them at weekends) that he's getting a raw deal here.
That's not to say that you can't still feel like you're missing out, but from on here any suggestion that one parent should have every weekend is seen as an unfair arrangement in general.
I think parents are alwaus going to naturally feel like there missing out no matter what the agreement is post-split

mayorquimby · 31/07/2013 09:24

always ** they're

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 31/07/2013 09:29

OP could you move house? Look for a different job? It's obviously making you unhappy....and Brutha PLENTY of lone parents use child minders.....sometimes it is needed. OP has looked into it and found it wouldn't work.

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/07/2013 09:31

I think the dad is getting the worst deal tbh. Whilst you dont get to do the school run he doesnt get to have any weekends with him so bar school holidays it means no days out and just the boring day to day things.

Shared care is great for children, far better than the odd day a fortnight so concentrate on the positives.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 31/07/2013 09:39

I know what you're saying HzppyMummy but the trouble is that school is such a large part of a child's life that the OP feels she's missing out. She's not getting to meet the parents of his friends or do the joining in stuff that parents who are there get to do.

OP, could you consider asking DS who his special friends are and then popping a note in his bag to give to the teacher who will put it in the bag of his friend? Then you can invite his friend to play one saturday or have a meet up? I've been invited to do the same thing via a note in my DDs bag...the mum also worked long hours and was worried she couldn't ask anyone back for tea etc.

nkf · 31/07/2013 09:44

It might be that the issue is really about where you live. You haven't been able (yet) to create a home for just you and your son. Is that likely to change soon?

kim147 · 31/07/2013 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 09:49

My son is very happy - he does motorcross with his dad and has motorbikes there, has a 3 14-16 year old uncles always with him so he loves his time there. When he comes to me he does a creative media class, swimming lesson, bikerides, walking, beach time (i live near the beach), baking and time with my mum so they are 2 totally different worlds for him.

This is a new arrangement because of my new job, which is going to be better for us financially in the long run.

I think once I have moved out of mums and in to new place where he can choose and decorate his room etc I will feel better for him.

I know he misses me though, because he says so, its always been me and him 5 days out of 7 :(

OP posts:

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 10:26

I don't see what the problem is. You have him three nights but get more quality time over the weekend with him. His dad has him four nights but gets all the school hassle. It's impossible to split a week exactly in half, so I think your arrangement is absolutely as equal and as fair as it can be. I don't think he's going to remember either of you as the main carer with an arrangement like that. And even if he did think of you as the secondary carer, does that matter, so long as he feels loved and valued and gets plenty of time with each of you?

You seem to imply that if there should be any resentment there at all then it should be directed at his Dad!

Dahlen · 31/07/2013 10:37

The irony of this is that quite often it is the dad in your situation and the mum is sad that she only gets to do the grunt work and doesn't get to enjoy any of the fun time.

I think there are little things you can do to make this feel less hard.

First of all you can contact the school to make sure you are kept in the loop just as much as your DS's father. Second, get your DS to come with his school things. You can read through them when he's in bed on the weekends, add comments in his reading book if appropriate, etc. Obviously attending parent's evenings and concerts etc will help, too.

Secondly, get a 'care' diary - just a little notebook that you and your XP can write in about what your little one has done that day, anything you think the other parent might like to know about, anything you have concerns about, etc. You don't have to write in it everyday, but it keeps communication alive and well.

Thirdly, as long as neither one of you feels it is intruding into your time too much, can you skype for 10 mins each day so that even though you don't have physical contact you both 'see' and talk with your DS every day (or nearly every day)?

Original poster

Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 10:43

TheRealFellatio - where do I imply this?

OP posts:

Dahlen · 31/07/2013 10:50

I think your arrangement sounds ideal TBH. The only thing I would worry about is that you don't get any 'downtime' (always working or with DS) and your X doesn't have any quality time (DS always at school). Once you're a bit more established and you have your new home set up etc maybe you could look at a little more flexibility, so that your X has the occasional weekend (or one night in a weekend) with your DS and you have a couple of days in the week where you can either use a CM, breakfast club at school or flexitime, etc. Doesn't have to be every week if it's inconvenient, but just now and then.

Theas18 · 31/07/2013 10:51

I'm sure somewhere on dads net your ex is feeling it's very unfair that he gets the weeks when his son is at school must of the time, he is the Inge that dots home work and all the" hard work". then at the weekend he swans off to his mums where she gets to do all the fun things with none of the nagging to do what he has to do

Dads net I ask you, will my son look back on a child hood where I am the bad weekday parent and he does amazing fun things with His mother at times that seem like " always holiday"

oh and ex is also crippling my ability to earn a decent wage...

just playing devils advocate..

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 11:01

OK have read the thread now and everything that you have said (work commitments, not fully involved with the school, living with at your mums, nowhere to call his own space etc) is all the stuff that separated Dads usually have to put up with, even if it was not their choice or their decision to be apart from their child.

All these people saying 'Oh poor you, that is awful, I would hate that.' and this is almost a 50:50 split! Do you ever stop to think how men feel in this situation, when they only get every second weekend? Or do you always assume that the arrangement should chiefly suit the mother, no matter what?

I think you should be grateful your son has a great relationship with both of you, and is able to split his time pretty easily and evenly - there are many children dream of a life like that. There is no law that says everything should always be fine tuned to benefit the mother at the expense of the father, although you'd be forgiven for thinking there was.

You are lucky to be able to live with your mother while you save. I'm sure it's not ideal, but it is doing you a favour. If you wanted an extra night you could always drive over after work and pick him up for a couple of hours. If it's not practical to do that then there's no point worrying over it.

Also, once you've managed to get the deposit for a new place will you be automatically assuming that the situation will change and it can all be rearranged to your liking? Will that still be a pretty even split or will you be expecting it to be weighted much more heavily in your favour? And what do you suppose your DS and your ex will feel about that, when they are quite happy as they are? Will they have a choice? Sorry if I seem to be giving you a hard time but you seem to feel a bit entitled over this, as though its' your right as the mother to have the better end of the deal.

Your son has both parents fully committed to him, and sharing his time pretty equally - that is something to be very grateful for. The rest doesn't matter so long as he is happy. It's just your ego and your pride niggling you. I suspect the arrangement works very well, but you are just concerned about other people's perceptions of you as a mother whose child does not 'live' with her.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 31/07/2013 11:05

if he is happy then it sounds as if you are turning him into a well rounded individual between you. It won't be forever, things will get easier when he gets older and is able to travel independently. Are you looking for a place of your own? if so would it be feasible to be nearer him so he can call in or vica versa

Dahlen · 31/07/2013 11:14

TheRealFellatio - I think there's a lot of truth in what you say, but it's also a little unfair. One of the reasons mothers tend to end up with the bulk of care after a split is simply because they were the ones providing the bulk of the care before the split and the courts tend to go with the status quo.

trashcanjunkie · 31/07/2013 11:26

can you speak to your boss and explain the situation? I'm so scarred by things my parents did in the name of financial security (which actually were catastrophic, egotistic wanky get rich quick schemes - not saying this is you!!) that I've engineered my whole work life so that I have time for my kids, (I share care with their dad) It's a financial sacrifice, but we have just enough to live on and are happy. I can never get the years back and soon enough they'll be grown.

Pipparivers · 31/07/2013 11:30

It drives me mad when I hear parents say they cannot see their kids because of work! If you start that early surely you finding early as well? If not request one early finish a week so you can do a pick up. I'm sure it would be great for your ds and help ex out at the same time. If that isn't an option I'm sure you can work something out.

I think it may help to think of it like this. If your exdp died or just disappeared what changes would you need to make to best parent your son?

springytotty · 31/07/2013 11:32

I don't think it's about right or wrong, fair or unfair. If someone is miserable about it they just are. It's not an ideal situation for the OP (or, possibly, ex) but that's how it goes when couples split with children.

I agree to contact the school to be included in the loop, OP.

things will probably settle down in time. When we first split I was quite ill, so ex had the kids every w/e. That wasn't great for me, but was great in another way in that I got the chance to get well. Eventually we fine-tuned the arrangements.

Your boy is happy so you're doing something right! Of course he will miss you. That, unfortunately, is just how it goes the majority of the time when couples split.

Whothefuckfarted · 31/07/2013 11:34

Maybe you could try posting on the dads section on here as well? I bet there are plenty there who feel just like you do and could offer support/suggestions.

Original poster

Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 11:36

i dont drive

OP posts:

Original poster

Charliefarlie1192 · 31/07/2013 11:38

Pipparivers- nope, i start early and finish at 4.30, takes me 1.5 hours to get to where ds's dad lives from work, and would then take a further hour to get to my mums.....(plus time taken to get to train station etc, train times blah blah blah)

I have tried to work round this so much!

OP posts:

ImABadGirl · 31/07/2013 12:37

can you learn to drive, it would make your situation easier to solve if you did.

I think in some ways you should count yourself lucky that you have an exp that has so much involvement in his sons life, many other mothers would love your arrangements.

Viviennemary · 31/07/2013 12:47

I know I wouldn't like this at all and I am very sorry you are unhappy with the arrangements. But I can see from the other side as well that some Dads must be devastated that they do not see as much of their DC's as they would like. I agree learning to drive would make things easier. What arrangements would you like. And I also appreciate people saying that some would love their exp's to be so much involved.

Pootles2010 · 31/07/2013 12:49

Yeah I think learning to drive would make your life so much easier! I know its a nightmare (I really do, my test is on Tuesday, I'm terrified) but it's something that I have to do.

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