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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider not going to my big sister's wedding?

86 replies

ClaireMammaBear · 29/07/2013 23:31

I would love a bit of impartial advice on this one. My sister is getting married on 26th October and my due date is 30th September. I am really stressing myself out thinking about whether or not I will be able to attend the wedding, we live in Bedfordshire and the wedding is in Edinburgh so a very long drive/ train journey with a newborn and still recovering from labour, especially if little one is late. I definitely do not want to leave him with someone when he is that young. Loads of family members have told me it will be OK and they can travel that young but it sounds like a nightmare! They have also said not to make any decision until baby is born so I can see how I feel about it but I would rather tell her sooner rather than later so we don't waste her money and so we can cancel the hotel. To add to it my sister has also fallen out with my Dad and has asked him not to attend the wedding, I am still close to my Dad so I am worried that she will think I am siding which is absolutely not the case.

Its my sisters wedding and I would love to go but at the end of the day baby has to come first now so I am thinking it might be best to sit it out. AIBU?

OP posts:

xigris · 30/07/2013 08:35

I was my best friend's Matron of Honour 3 weeks after DS1 was born apart from looking slightly shell shocked in the photos it was absolutely fine! As many others have said, newborns are very portable. I do agree very much with (I think) summer who suggested being very enthusiastic at the moment but then if you really can't manage / face it, cancelling then. I don't think you should fret too much, if you can all go then brilliant, if you can't then you do have very good reasons for not going! Best of luck!

Asheth · 30/07/2013 08:39

If you have a normal delivery then around the 4/5 week mark travel should be fine. I did long journeys (E. Anglia - Cornwall) at 4weeks with DS 1 and 3 1/2 weeks with DS2, so they could meet elderly family who weren't up to travelling. In some ways it was quite nice! DH drove, the babies slept so I could also doze! So I'd tell your sister you're really hoping to be there, but if there are any problems you'll have to take medical advice about whether travel will be ok.

DuchessFanny · 30/07/2013 08:45

Wait and see ... In all reality it's all you can do as you don't know how you will be feeling.
We had this with my DH eldest brother, we live abroad and the wedding was in Scotland, so not only was I worried about timing of baby arriving, and how I'd feel, but getting the passport sorted was a rush !
But I worried for nothing, it all worked out and baby got lots of lovely cuddles but it helped that my DBIL knew we may not make it and was completely on board with us letting him know later in the day as it were .

DuchessFanny · 30/07/2013 08:47

^^please excuse my writing, just woke up ! Grammar is not yet my friend !

SoftSheen · 30/07/2013 08:57

I would wait and see how you feel.

My SIL came to our wedding with her 11 day old newborn
We certainly would have understood if she had decided not to come, but she wanted to and seemed to cope OK. She had her husband, mum and sister with her both during the day and the night before/after at the hotel, which helped. We also did everything we could to make sure she had somewhere comfortable to sit and feed etc.

However, SIL had a very straightforward vaginal delivery with no complications, and the baby was her second. If this is your first baby, or you have a CS/ complicated delivery, I think it would be completely understandable if you didn't go.

FryOneFatManic · 30/07/2013 09:01

maddy68 Tue 30-Jul-13 08:33:37
God I don't know why people are telling you not to go.

Because it's not just about the baby, is it?

I had a CS with DD, and at 4 weeks afterwards, I was still struggling to stand upright and being in a car was really painful. And I didn't have complications.

OP, each birth is different so I would go with the posters who are suggesting a wait and see attitude. Keep the hotel booked for now and talk to your sister so she understands you want to be there but need to see how things turn out.

frostyfingers · 30/07/2013 09:02

My sister flew from the Far East to the UK for my wedding with her 6 week old baby - it was wonderful to have them over, and it was nice for them to share the baby around too.

Make a decision nearer the time, you should be able to cancel a hotel with around 48 hours notice - check what their terms & conditions are. You may well regret not going if you have a good birth and are feeling well.

UnexpectedStepmum · 30/07/2013 11:15

Personally I would say that I won't be going, if your sister is a reasonable person and you get on well she will understand. You don't need the stress of worrying about this now. In my experience of weddings you see very little of the happy couple on the day, surely it isn't too much of an issue if you're not there after just giving birth.

Original poster

ClaireMammaBear · 30/07/2013 11:16

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your advice, its nice to hear that people have done similar if not longer journeys with newborns! This is my first baby so taking a step into the unknown! I'm definitely going to do my research on trains/sleeper trains, looks like with the normal train we would only have to change once and it's only 4 hours. Its going to be impossible to tell how I'm going to feel, fingers crossed everything is straightforward!

I think I need to have a good chat with my sister and see what she says.I had been putting it off really becuase she has been so stressed with wedding arrangements and the fall out so I just don't know how she is going to react. I'll let you know the outcome!

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 30/07/2013 11:23

Agree with making a decision nearer the time.

You will feel that it is by far the easier thing to not go. And it would be. But surely supporting your sister on her wedding day would be worth it? You may look back in future years and regret not making the effort.

On the falling out between your dad and your sister make it clear now with both of them that whether you go to the wedding or not is simply a question of how you are coping after the birth of your child, and absolutely not a question of siding with one or other of them.

janey68 · 30/07/2013 11:27

Agree that you should wait and see. Ok, worst case scenario is 2 weeks late and csection. But the baby could be 2 weeks early and a natural birth.

Personally having travelled to Scotland in various ways- plane, train and car- I would go with car. That way you can pace your journey, stop when you want etc
Tbh traveling with one newborn is probably a lot easier than several young children.

mrsjay · 30/07/2013 11:30

tell your sister of course you want to go to her wedding but you will need to see when the baby comes and just leave it at that she will need to accept it, your baby might not come on your due date or whatever

OrangeLily · 30/07/2013 11:33

My niece attended my wedding at six weeks old. Her parents decided not to come originally but we said we'd keep spaces for them and the week before decided to come. It was a 4 hour drive for them but they broke it up so took about 6 hours. They are now really glad they came but at no point were yet pressurised. As long as your sister is happy for you to tell her later I would keep your options open.

dreamingofsun · 30/07/2013 11:45

we did a 3 hour trip and 30th birthday party (with accommodation for the weekend) with our first born when they were they were a month old. we also went to france for our holidays when they all our kids were 2 months old.

its perfectly doable. i found it more hard work when they were toddlers to be honest, running around everywhere

theluckiest · 30/07/2013 13:01

Yep, I reiterate much of what has been said. You will need to play it by ear. I was due around the date of my friend's wedding and it looked very likely we couldn't make it. However, I had high blood pressure, was induced and had Ds early.

Which meant I went to the wedding with 2 week old Ds. Was 3 hour drive away and it was absolutely fine. In fact, much, much easier with a tiny one as, as long as he was fed regularly, he just slept in a carrycot (in fact, we popped him under the table during the meal!)

I agree that it is much trickier when they get older, wrigglier and need 'entertaining'. A tiny newborn is a piece of piss (in relative terms!). The important thing is that YOU feel okand up to it. But don't make it a definite no just yet.

ilovechips · 30/07/2013 13:12

I took dd2 to a wedding at 4 weeks...it was close family and I desperately didn't want to miss it. It was at the other end of the country to us so we booked flights - sounds extravagant but tbh it worked out not much more expensive than the train and it took 50 minutes. Dd was fine, slept the whole flight. I did have a normal delivery though, which helped I am sure.

curryeater · 30/07/2013 13:36

The baby will be fine (probably) - the question is how you are.
I don't think you can promise to go.
If you can leave it open, do. But then you have to sort of decide whether you are going with the expectation of enjoying it, or as a duty. It may be possible, but nasty and you decide not to. That is fine. But you might have to lie and say "I couldn't do it" rather than "I could have gone, but I would have cried with exhaustion for a week afterwards so decided I couldn't face it". Make your peace with that in your own heart, but be pragmatic and prepared about how you express it.

Prepare a card and present in advance and send them on in advance with something lovely written in the card so you can forget about all that whether you go or not.

If you go, book a train seat and take help - trained help - help that will not expect you to lift a finger. You will not change a nappy, fetch a cup of tea, even rummage in a bag. If your dp is the "did we bring...?" sort, expecting you to spend the trip with your arse in the air pulling things out of bags and producing wipes, snacks, etc, then reverse that now. You will be sitting in state. He will be rummaging in bags producing items to satisfy your every whim and making sure you are never, even momentarily, without tea and cake. Get a mei tai and tell him that if the baby needs to be rocked to sleep he will be walking up and down the train with it. (this is unlikely. the baby will probably just fall asleep on you between feeds) If you do not see your dp doing all this, don't go, or get someone else, or get someone to tell him what to do and that this is his job.

mrsjay · 30/07/2013 13:41

Op look into flying up it might be just as cheap to fly than train although you wont know how many to book for it takes an hour and a bit by plane

JackieTheFart · 30/07/2013 13:50

I think if I was your sister, I would want you there so would make provisions for you and hang the expense if you really didn't feel up to it.

She may not be quite so understanding if she doesn't have any children herself though.

(I also made a long journey, driving myself, when my twins were about 5 weeks old. Our car broke down on the motorway so a 3 hour journey was a 10 hour nightmare! Plus, it was snowing.)

Branleuse · 30/07/2013 13:50

I went to my grandmothers funeral and wake with my 4 day old ds2. and to France to visit other relatives by the time he was 6 weeks. Didnt wait much longer after dd either.

Branleuse · 30/07/2013 13:53

you can fly luton to edinburgh for less than £30 with easyjet. babies free

Branleuse · 30/07/2013 13:53

actually, no, baby would be £20

Squitten · 30/07/2013 13:54

I wouldn't make any firm decisions just yet - you may find you can do it.

I sympathise though. My brother is getting married 2 DAYS after my third DC is due. I'm not planning to go!

pooka · 30/07/2013 13:55

Why not fly? If you no far enough in advance the flights should be less than the cost of petrol I think.

curryeater · 30/07/2013 14:10

Won't there be a problem with flying because the baby can't have a passport till (s)he has a birth certificate and can't have a birth certificate till (s)he is born? Chasing around doing all that admin the day after you gave birth won't be any fun. Also airports are in stupid places and train stations are in city centres.

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