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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am certain you will think IABU but...IL / pfb related...

51 replies

mameulah · 28/07/2013 21:04

In a nutshell...my dh does not have lots of happy memories of his childhood. Hardly any. He speaks highly of his Grandad but that is it. Basically his parents were not demonstrative or thoughtful or gentle or interested as he was growing up.

His sister hasn't spoken to his parents for ten years.

He has seen very little of his parents as an adult. Very little.

We have a pfb ds who is now eight months old. They saw him twice before Christmas and again today for the third time.

Seeing them with our pfb ds is so difficult. I struggle with it so much. I know I am really generous in how I share our pfb ds with EVERYONE ELSE. I know I am. But the angst I feel in their company when they are with our baby is awful.

Does anyone else have an experience similar to this? How did you cope?

Please don't flame me. I promise you this is not a typical IL bashing situation.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 28/07/2013 21:07

Just a few thoughts...sometimes people are much better grandparents than they ever were parents. Is your dh happy with the current situation, Who has arranged these get togethers, do the ils seem to be msking more of an effort?

Is it just they are distant or can they be unpleasant/abusive?

Original poster
mameulah · 28/07/2013 21:15

But that is the part that sits so uncomfortably. I don't want them to be good grandparents. I don't want them near us. They were not at all interested in anyone before and believe me there are shocking reasons that prove they were really, really bad parents I can't bear the way they speak to our baby like he is a cat.

They are totally unaware socially. When we got married they wrote my dh's name on their calander 'son's wedding'. And I know they weren't intentionally being rude. When our pfb was five days old and they met him for the first time she had her fingers all over his face and then announced she wouldn't hold him because she had a cold sore.

I know it isn't just me. My dh's closest friend from childhood says they were HORRIBLE to him when he was growing up. If, in any other part of my life I met these people I would have NOTHING to do with them. And now they are all over our baby. I wouldn't trust them with my handbag and I have to share our baby with them.

Someone else out there must be in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 28/07/2013 21:19

My ils were horrible to dh
They only met dd when she was 9 after dh gave up even trying to engage with them for 10 years.
So having never met DD, having not seen DS1 or DS2 fr 10 years they are welcome to visit.
They have not been here in two years. Can't be arsed. They live about 4 miles away.

Ime. It won't be a problem. They won't care enough to bother you much.

littlewhitebag · 28/07/2013 21:21

Three visits in 8 months isn't much. You may just have to put up with it. How does your DH feel when they visit?

onepieceoflollipop · 28/07/2013 21:23

It's more about how your dh feels about this tbh. He is an adult now, so even if they were physically/emotionally abusive or whatever he needs to make decisions re contact with them. Your first post wasn't as clear as your second re their behaviour.

fwiw I have a narcissistic mil and a socially inept angry fil. If it was my choice there would be no contact. We have a situation now where we have fairly limited contact and we only tolerate certain behaviors from mil. Also I generally attend the visits as otherwise they enjoy the thought that me and dh may have relationshio problems if I never go with him.

In your case I would ensure that I am present when they visit the baby.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 28/07/2013 21:25

It is horrible isn't it. I am so glad I didn't have children with my ex as I honestly don't think I could have allowed his parents to hold the baby - they were that evil (and I'm one that will happily let the stranger on a bus hold their hands, kiss their cheeks etc).

How does your DH feel? What does he want to do about it?

maternitart · 28/07/2013 21:27

I think the calendar thing sounds like an oversight. The cold sore thing is quite dangerous if kissing, but they were probably just ignorant. Not sure if cold sores can be passed on by hands, I've never had one.

Also I have no idea how people speak to cats - but most people put on funny voices when they talk to babies.

I think it should be up to your DH if I'm frank. Try to take their relationship with your DS at face value.

maddening · 28/07/2013 21:30

Let your dh lead on this one - his parents, his angst - just keep an eye on his relationship with them for any signs of falling back into old roles.

Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 21:33

What is pfb ?

onepieceoflollipop · 28/07/2013 21:34

Precious First Born (baby)

ringaringarosy · 28/07/2013 21:35

why on earth would either of you want contat with them if they are horrible now and you know they are shit parents who didnt care then?just becuse they happen to be grandparents?wtf?

I read stuff like this on mn all the time and i just find it wierd,grandparents are not essential!

if you have good ones who care and listen and respect you then great get them involved,otherwise,why bother?I am in a similar situation to your dh and i just dont see mine,my kids arent missing out thats for sure.

Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 21:39

Meh, three times since birth is hardly anything. Sounds as if they are not interested anyway. Make sure they get him when he is whiny and smelly and they will be even less interested.

(Thanks for translation, lollipop)

Original poster
mameulah · 28/07/2013 21:58

Hopefully this answers your questions...

DH - After today I am not sure how he feels about them. He surprised me by appearing excited about showing our baby to them. He was also really proud to show our baby off when they were here. Understandable but the first time I saw our dh with his parents he barely even looked at them.

Yes. I would definitely make sure I was present when they visit.

The cold sore/calendar thing was just thoughtless.

maternitart I would love to take their relationship with our pfb ds at face value. But what do you mean by that and how do I achieve it?

ringaring I know! My parents are a.c.e.!!! But my dh is lovely and is very proud of our baby.

When my dh and I first got together he said they were weird. I thought 'oh I am so lovely and bubbly I am sure I can make it all better'. Then I realised that they are weird rude and selfish. One of the most difficult things is that if you give them an inch they take a mile. It is really difficult to explain. I don't trust them and I don't like them. And I am stuck with them.

OP posts:
thebody · 28/07/2013 22:18

up to your dh really isn't it and obviously you won't be leaving your ds with them so you are always there.

by the way I do speak to my cats the same way I spoke to my babies. kids call my cat dc5....

Original poster
mameulah · 28/07/2013 22:35

But thebody do you do that hissy 'psspsspss' thing when you speak to your babies?

Or say 'Pretty Polly who's a pretty boy then?'

OP posts:
RubyrooUK · 28/07/2013 22:37

It is hard to accept people who you feel have mistreated those you love.

But my dad was a rubbish dad (can't go into reasons, not abuse at all but it was sad) but is a brilliant grandad. I decided as an adult that he had lost so many years of parenting joy through his own actions that if he wanted to step up and be a grandad, I could be generous and let that happen.

He is a very good grandad and I would be very annoyed if DH decided on my behalf to feel hostile to him. I have decided to try and move on and he supports me in that. Does your DH want to maintain a relationship with his parents (even if infrequent) as it sounds like he does...? If so, then I think you have to support him, although there is no need to leave the baby with them if you don't want to, obviously.

The stuff about the calendar? I know loads of people who write things like that. My in-laws had my due date written on their calendar as "due date - must remember" because they wanted to book a holiday that didn't clash and they kept forgetting it! It would never occur to me to take offence at that.

And the cold sore was unfortunate but it seems like your MIL was trying to protect your baby while still wanting to be close. It doesn't sound truly malicious.

I think ultimately the real problem is that you don't like or trust them. So you are likely to see even relatively innocuous things in the worst light.

Having said that, I am a stranger on the internet and they may be absolutely vile. It just comes across that you very much dislike them. That is totally up to you but I think you have to take your DH's wishes into account.

As someone else said, it doesn't sound like you see them very often anyway so maybe it won't be as hard as you think because they are rarely around your DS.

(All my feedback is meant kindly by the way as I have a PFB DS1 myself and now also a precious second born DS2 who I would want to protect from everything negative in life....Grin)

Original poster
mameulah · 28/07/2013 22:52

Rubyroo

Thank you for your very thoughtful and well composed response. You are right, about all of it. I absolutely know there are so many, many people out there who would like this to be their problem but they absolutely 'do my head in.' Watching them display a sense of ownership of our baby makes my heart ache. I can't help it. It just does.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 28/07/2013 23:01

We have a similar situation but my DH is quite happy to have no real relationship with his DM. I think she's seen ds7 no more than a dozen times, usually in the company of others, ie big family dos.

The change you note in your DH - becoming a parent can dredge up an awful lot of feelings about the way you were parented. It's surprisingly common for a person who wasn't treated well as a child to subconsciously sort of offer their own child up as a second try. I'm not expressing that very well. But it's like they are trying to go back to repeat their childhood through their own children.

Please keep an eye on DH as if this is what he's doing, and the baby/him is rejected again it can cause a lot of upset.

As for what you can do - I think it has to be DH led, to a certain extent. Just keep any eye on things, keep an eye on him, try not to let your dislike of them show too much. I'm not judging you for that - I cannot abide my mil because of how she treated my DP. But I keep it all polite. It's not easy though.

Original poster
mameulah · 28/07/2013 23:11

Thanks Wilson.

I am a usually a very independent person and I am really struggling with them having ownership over our ds. The thought of their company makes me stomach tie up in knots.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 23:15

No ownership, op. you are the parents, nobody can replace you or dilute you. Your kids can have some weird GP they barely know and see rarely, and it will just be part of the strange extended family. You two are, and always will be , what really counts.

Original poster
mameulah · 28/07/2013 23:22

Thanks beastof I appreciate your words.

OP posts:
RubyrooUK · 28/07/2013 23:23

Exactly what Beast says. Don't give them too much importance in your mind - your DS will barely register them unless they make a positive contribution to his life (in which case, everyone is happy).

Original poster
mameulah · 28/07/2013 23:35

I know but I really struggle with keeping this all in perspective.

And, I know this is awful, but writing this thread has made me realise how much I resent them. I resent them even thinking our pfb ds has even got anything to do with them. I just can't shake it.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 29/07/2013 13:46

mameulah I understand when you say you resent them. I resent my ils, I begrudge having to spend time with them out of 'duty' when mil especially is more concerned about her 'entitlement' and what neighbours/acquaintances think.

I am angry towards mine tbh, and I have to be VERY careful that this anger isn't transferred to dh.

frissonpink · 29/07/2013 13:51

no, you're not the only one!

I hate MIL especially holding DD, for a whole host of reasons. Not least the big one that she refuses to put 2 big dogs out of the way first. It's now at the point where I say, you choose, either the dogs go or we do.

Plus when DD cries (which she does, because she hasn't got a clue who MIL is), MIL decides to 'tell her off' because she's being silly and point blank refuses to hand her back over.

You think as a mother herself she'd know better Hmm

Tbh, I'm suffering from depression right now, and quite a lot I can attribute to the il's and their behaviour.