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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

well am i? ex mil, my mum and my arse of an ex.

51 replies

Fairylea · 28/07/2013 19:38

Ok. Here goes. I am willing to go with the consenus.

Ex and I had a terrible relationship. Terrible on many points but to cut a long story short in a 6 year relationship he got us into significant debt despite having 40k savings in his name in the bank (which he wouldn't use towards dd or our house, often refusing to pay rent saying he didn't have the money and leaving me to pay it on credit card), he would finish work everyday at 3 and go to the pub until 7, leaving me (with severe suicidal pnd) to deal with dd all day, everyday including 2 buses to nursery and then work for me. He did nothing at home, the most he ever did was take the Hoover upstairs for me when I was 9 months pregnant with spd so I could Hoover.

On top of this he regularly pressured me for sex and reduced me to tears many evenings saying how he didn't want to hear about my day as it was boring.

So... I left him.

My mum knows all of this.

Fast forward ten years. He is now living the high life in another country (think thousands of miles, oceans away). He has kept regular contact with dd and has paid a minimal amount of maintenance but I am unable to push for more as he is paid in cash and owns his own company.(been there done that). Despite what has happened between us, dd and him have a good relationship and despite him making no effort when she was a baby they now get on well.

This summer she has gone out to visit him for the second time since he moved abroad. He now has two babies with a new partner, I am also remarried with a toddler with new dh.

What is annoying me is that my mum still keeps in close contact with exes parents and still seems to sing exes praises at every opportunity. She is angry with me for being unable to forgive even though I am civil and polite etc. I am never rude but I have no wish to be best friends with any of them.

It came out today that mum had received some photos of dd on this trip to see ex and his family (who went out with dd) but they had not sent me the photos. I am angry that Dd is my daughter and they have not sent them to me despite me being on friendlyish terms.

My mum cannot understand why I am angry and thinks I am overreacting. Part of the reason I am upset is because I feel like my mum is keeping contact with them behind my back, people who hurt me very much and I feel she should be on my side and stay out of it.

She also gave me a card and present to pack in dds bag to give to ex gushing over the new babies. I didn't tell her but I threw the card and present in the bin.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

GailTheGoldfish · 28/07/2013 19:44

No. You are still hurting over the awful things that happened during your relationship. Perfectly reasonable. However, it would help you hugely if you could let go of your anger towards him because just reading that post it's clear how much it is eating you up. It's not touching your ex at all, it's just fucking with your head. Have you had counselling or tried any other way to off load?

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 28/07/2013 19:44

I don't think you are. It seems very strange for your mum to be 'siding' with a man who was so cruel to you.

VBisme · 28/07/2013 19:45

You shouldn't have thrown the present and card away.

I think it's nice for DD that the families have stayed in touch.

My parents still see my ex regularly, it doesn't bother me at all (and we don't have any kids in common).

So overall I'd say YABU (but understandably).

Original poster

Fairylea · 28/07/2013 19:47

Thank you.

To be honest I'm normally totally unbothered by it all, it's just this latest thing that has brought it all up because I have been struggling with my relationship with my mum and I thought we had turned a corner andthen this.

I feel like everyone thinks the sun shines out of my exes bottom and it makes me angry that even my own mum cannot support me, even to have a quiet moan about it.

OP posts:

ThisWayForCrazy · 28/07/2013 19:50

I do understand why you are miffed, but this is your DDs family, it doesn't affect you that you DM stays in contact with them, I would imagine its for your DDs sake.

I think it's awful that you threw the things away, you had no right.

I do think you could benefit from some counselling as you have no got over the effect of the relationship, understandably x

Original poster

Fairylea · 28/07/2013 19:53

Ok maybe I was wrong to throw the card etc away. My reasoning was that I don't see why my mum should be congratulating my ex on anything considering he basically ruined my life and made me suicidal for the first 2 years of dds life.

OP posts:

BridgetBidet · 28/07/2013 19:55

YANBU at all to be incredibly hurt by the way he treated you and the fact your Mum gushes at him.

YABU over the photos though. They probably didn't send them to you as they might have thought it would be rubbing your exes new family in your face.

I don't think you were BU over the card and present though, it was over the top for your Mum to do that.

ThisWayForCrazy · 28/07/2013 19:55

I get that, honestly I do. My parents remained in contact with my ex and updated me all the time with his tales and how well he was doing, despite him making my life a misery. It was hard work, but I know they were doing it for my sons sake.

Original poster

Fairylea · 28/07/2013 19:56

Thank you for all your thoughts.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 19:57

We only have your version of events here op..... Your mum has both sides.....I think she has judged accordingly

Yabu to throw the present away

guiltyconscience · 28/07/2013 19:59

yanbu your mum is very insensitive and very very disloyal! I can only imagine how you feel, big hugs for you my lovely .

bunchoffives · 28/07/2013 20:04

YANBU your DM should grow a pair and say that she would have bought the new babies a present but is still helping you pay off the debt from the marriage!

I'd feel very betrayed. Ok so you have to keep it civil for your DD's sake, but your DM knows the facts, is an adult and should be able to make some judgements like one.

I hope your DD asks about why you split up and you get a chance to just be honest. It is not fair that you took all that and are now seen as overreacting and angry. You have a right to be angry. He has been a shit and sounds like he still is. You don't need counselling, you need him to pay maintenance and his share of that debt. BTW who paid for DD's flight?

If I were you I'd tell your DM you think very dimly of her disloyalty and don't want to hear another word about the ex or his bloody family.

Original poster

Fairylea · 28/07/2013 20:04

Thank you.

I do appreciate that it's dds family, which is why, despite everything with ex I have made every effort to encourage contact, including driving 250 miles every other weekend round trip when he lived here so he could see her for the weekend (he doesn't drive). I have always been civil to his mum and dad and dd regularly stays with them even when ex is now in another country, as I know dd loves spending time with them and they miss her.

I am just annoyed that my mum is unable to accept my anger towards ex and still tries to minimise my feelings on it as if they don't matter. When sometimes I just want her to agree with me.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 28/07/2013 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 28/07/2013 20:06

I agree - the photos, if sent to you, could be construed as rubbing it in your face. Perhaps your ex simply thought it inapproriate to send his family pictures to you, but thought your mum would still like to see them because her gd is in them. So on that yabu.
You should not have thrown the gift and card away. The baby is your dd's sibling, and you had no business doing that.

On all other counts yanbu. Your ex sounds a total bellend.

guiltyconscience · 28/07/2013 20:06

Op, a leopard does not change his spots, just be glad u got out and are now happy and pity the woman who has taken your place!

needaholidaynow · 28/07/2013 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 28/07/2013 20:08

But heysoul abusers are often v charming - and if op wasn't as graphic to her mum and her mum didn't witness it coupled with a man who can charm his way around anyone it s possible.

In my situation mutual friends really didn't believe me totally until they witnessed it.

maddening · 28/07/2013 20:10

Ps yanbu op - your dm should have your back - I agree with counselling for you and imagine that a big candid conversation with your dm might be in order.

Weasleyismyking · 28/07/2013 20:11

YANBU well maybe a little with the card and present.

a few months after I split with my ex (10 years but no kids involved) I heard my mum setting up drinks with him. I did this face and she said "just because you're no longer together doesn't mean we (her and him) can't still be friends."
I said "no it doesn't but the way he treated me should mean you don't want to!"
She hadn't realised how bad it had got as I'm dreadful at keeping things to myself. Could this be a bit of an issue with your DM? Or could she have forgotten how bad he was?

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2013 20:12

I completely understand why you feel the way you do.

I think it can be hard for some MiLs when their children split up, to no longer have contact with the ex. And I can understand why some do still stay in touch.

But not when there's been any form of abuse or bad treatment.

Your mum is very wrong in this case. Your DD can have a relationship with her father without any interference from your mum. She should not be keeping in touch.

Thisisaeuphemism · 28/07/2013 20:14

I would feel betrayed :(

Perhaps you could remind her of everything he did and say you find it disturbing that she fawns over him in this way.

DamnDeDoubtance · 28/07/2013 20:15

I think the fact that your mum has any time for your abusive ex is awful. That is terribly disloyal.

curlycatkin · 28/07/2013 20:16

Mums eh?
Mine was friends with my ex's parents but that ended very badly... They fell out with me and then shopped her in a horrible spiteful letter for slagging me off to them! (complicated...)
My mother has never sided with me on anything! In some ways, it makes us stronger more independent people, I tell myself. Whereas my sibling gets backed up by my mum ALL THE TIME and it really does her no favours. I get angry and jealous sometimes though. I mean, it must be so comforting to have your Mum on-side. As a parent I will try a more balanced approach!
How do you deal with her? Do you confront immediately?

peggotty · 28/07/2013 20:19

Wow your mother sounds awful. Yanbu at being angry at her disloyal behaviour. It sounds like the way she has behaved has made moving on from your abusive ex more difficult. You hinted that you may have a difficult relationship with her aside from this - is that the case?

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