well am i? ex mil, my mum and my arse of an ex.

[Fairylea]

Ok. Here goes. I am willing to go with the consenus.

Ex and I had a terrible relationship. Terrible on many points but to cut a long story short in a 6 year relationship he got us into significant debt despite having 40k savings in his name in the bank (which he wouldn't use towards dd or our house, often refusing to pay rent saying he didn't have the money and leaving me to pay it on credit card), he would finish work everyday at 3 and go to the pub until 7, leaving me (with severe suicidal pnd) to deal with dd all day, everyday including 2 buses to nursery and then work for me. He did nothing at home, the most he ever did was take the Hoover upstairs for me when I was 9 months pregnant with spd so I could Hoover.

On top of this he regularly pressured me for sex and reduced me to tears many evenings saying how he didn't want to hear about my day as it was boring.

So... I left him.

My mum knows all of this.

Fast forward ten years. He is now living the high life in another country (think thousands of miles, oceans away). He has kept regular contact with dd and has paid a minimal amount of maintenance but I am unable to push for more as he is paid in cash and owns his own company.(been there done that). Despite what has happened between us, dd and him have a good relationship and despite him making no effort when she was a baby they now get on well.

This summer she has gone out to visit him for the second time since he moved abroad. He now has two babies with a new partner, I am also remarried with a toddler with new dh.

What is annoying me is that my mum still keeps in close contact with exes parents and still seems to sing exes praises at every opportunity. She is angry with me for being unable to forgive even though I am civil and polite etc. I am never rude but I have no wish to be best friends with any of them.

It came out today that mum had received some photos of dd on this trip to see ex and his family (who went out with dd) but they had not sent me the photos. I am angry that Dd is my daughter and they have not sent them to me despite me being on friendlyish terms.

My mum cannot understand why I am angry and thinks I am overreacting. Part of the reason I am upset is because I feel like my mum is keeping contact with them behind my back, people who hurt me very much and I feel she should be on my side and stay out of it.

She also gave me a card and present to pack in dds bag to give to ex gushing over the new babies. I didn't tell her but I threw the card and present in the bin.

Am I being over sensitive?

YANBU - but your mother is. It's a very difficult situation re ex and you are being called on to be saintly or the sake of your DD, which you sound like you are doing admirably. (Maybe the present in bin incident could be described as a solitary slip.)

Your mother really should respect this. Can you explain to her that it's difficult enough dealing with ex etc without her running the UK branch of his fan club. And that it looks odd when she's so clearly batting for the other side, not her own daughter.

You must be feeling very undermined, but the weird one is her not you. Sniff. I don't approve of her behaviour - she sounds like she should butt out while staying civil.

So, its ok for you to have a relationship with his parents (on the pretext of it being for DD) but it's not ok for him to maintain a relationship with your mother?

All a bit one sided

Luckily my DM hated my exes even when I was with them!

I understand you feel betrayed and hurt but throwing the card and present away was mean and unnecessary!

The poster who said you are only hurting yourself is right though! Try to let it go a bit but also talk to your mum about how much this hurts!

fairy I've PM'd you

I hope M doesn't think DD threw away the gift and card. If there are GDCs it is understandable if grandparents work hard to stay on civil terms when GDC lives with the ex. As you are resident parent there seems no driving factor in M relentlessly advancing ex's cause whereas your former in-laws would have welcomed contact.

Was she as dedicated to him and his family when you were together? Disloyal is the word that popped into my head too.

If M can't fathom why you harbour no fondness for him that is her problem!

You made an effort all along for DD's sake to smooth the way for father-daughter relations. Now you have a happy new relationship. Anyone who matters will know your side of the old story. Does your M have a nice manner with your new DP? Does she put as much energy into getting along with your DP as she does with the ex/his family?

I agree, you may not have reacted favourably to ex sending you snaps of DD with him, her half siblings, and his new partner. I think if you want to see shots of DD when she's away just side-step M and try asking ex directly.

OP yanbu but you might find the relationships board more useful.

Some mums see just like that. I think it can be linked to narcissistic personality traits but am no expert.

Personally I'd digest trying to food ways to deal with your mum's behaviour and not let it affect you, as it sounds like she won't change.

• Digest food ? I'd suggest trying to find ....

But holly - it's one thing her dm maintaining a civil relationship but it's another that she defends him to the op and in her private conversations with the op she sings his praises and diminishes the disgraceful way he treated her daughter to the point of being angry with the op for not forgiving.

When I told my mother that me and my highly abusive ex had split up, the first and only thing she said was 'but why doesn't he want to be part of our family any more, what did I do?' I meaning her btw...

Some people can only see the world through their own eyes, even at the expense of their own daughter.

I can see your point OP. I think your mum is being disloyal which must be hurtful. I like to think i would put my dds' feelings above any desire i might have to hobnob with their ex's families.

(If they were to be in your situation when they are adults.)

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I keep thinking maybe I was wrong to throw away the gift. Maybe I was. I am still unsure really. I was just so angry, and part of it does come from some terrible arguments I have had with my mother recently. I always feel she gets made out to be the wonderful caring person when she isn't. She is as controlling, difficult and abusive as my ex in many ways. I have been trying hard to cut the apron strings (since meeting my now dh it's the first time I have ever lived apart from my mother - so she was living with us when I was with my abusive ex so she knows full well what he was like). I suppose part of my anger is that I always get talked about like I'm some evil old ex when I've tried hard to be fair, and then mum will send some gushy card etc and everyone will think she's amazing.

I clearly have a lot of issues. I understand that.

I just feel I could cope better with my past if the only family I have (my mum is literally it, apart from dh and ds and dd obviously) would acknowledge my anger.... accept it and not keep trying to make less of it.

It's been very interesting to read others views. I do appreciate all the comments.

Perhaps it is a bit one sided of me to expect a relationship with dds grandparents and to not expect my ex to have one with my Mum (been mulling that one over since I read it)... I guess to me the fact my relationship was so hideous trumps my mum's need or want for a relationship with him. Also by keeping some civil contact with dds grandparents I am facilitating contact for dd. My mum doesn't have that reasoning. It's purely for friendship reasons.

They won't have thought dd threw out the present at all.They won't be expecting one and dd knows I didn't put it in her bag to take. I just said I'd give it to them another time (at the time I wasn't sure what I was going to do). It wasn't a present for the babies, it was a candle and some pot pourri and the card said something like "congratulations, next time to come to the UK I'd like to meet up and have a cuddle (of the babies), lots of love fairyleas mum" xxx....

I do feel she hasn't made any effort with my dh or my ds which is part of the problem really. That's another thread!

Goes to think some more.... thank you.

Hi Op, as a mom of 2 DDs, I can't imagine not being loyal to them over their future husbands, or anybody else!

You are totally NBU to be pissed off with her over this.

Thank you mcos ... that's how I feel when I think about my own dd too.

When my good friend split with her abusive ex she asked me to keep on speaking terms with him, because if anything happened to her, she wanted the children to have me for support. Maybe your DM wants to keep in touch with all areas of your DD's life? She should however support you and try and understand what you have been through.

Throwing the card and present was wrong. But your mother is being exceedingly insensitive!

You certainly seem to have one of those 'interesting' mother-daughter relationships. I mean - she lived with you and was witness to everything that was wrong? Perhaps she is hypercritical of you like my mother is of me? My mum is non-confrontational and avoids arguments at all costs. And I can sympathise with you in the 'they're so wonderful' (when they're NOT) department too. My ex is also a charmer. My Mum is widely regarded as 'lovely' and bloody faultless it seems, when I see another side that is critical and quite cruel at times to me, wants control and won't address issues.

How does your DH feel about all this. You seem to have some very deep seated anger towards your ex and after 10 years I would have expected it to die down more than it seems to have done. My own DM (and in fact myself) would have liked to stay in touch with my SIL when my DB and her got a divorce but felt that it would have been disloyal to DB and it was decided (SIL agreed) that it was better for her to just move on. (DM is still in contact with exSILs GM btw so keeps tabs on her ) I would be hurt at DMs actions, in your shoes, OP, but I do wonder how your DH feels about it all.

I don't think it's anger at her ex, it's anger at her mum colluding in the abuse. It's hugely hurtful.

I know it was a long time ago but sometimes these things get buried and incidents like this press a button and bring it all up.

I think it's very understandable how you are feeling. I hope your dh is being supportive.

Thank you tuckshop. That is exactly it. Day to day I never worry about my ex at all. Its just mum doing this sort of thing that brings it all back and makes me angry.

Mum and I have been speaking (well texting, im not ready to talk to her) about it and she says I cannot tell her who to be friends with. I said she can be friends with whoever she likes, just not my abusive ex. She posted me a very sarcastic reply - "well you're welcometo forgive and live in the now with love and happiness like me". Argggggggghhh! :(

I feel now like she's being smug and laughing at me :(
I haven't replied since. I think this could be a contact breaker for me.

My dh is totally supportive thankfully and hugely dislikes my mother anyway and hates my ex as much as I do, so at least I have total support from him. I am very lucky in that respect.

I don't think you've got hang ups about your ex still.
I think your mother is behaving in a very pointed and hurtful way.
I think she's the one with the problem in all of this.

I don't know what her motivation is. I can understand her wanting to keep contact flowing because of her granddaughter...but I cannot understand why she wants to be 'friends' with someone who treated you so abysmally, right in front of her, to the point where she is being sanctimonious about her right to be jolly chums!

I would never do this to my daughter.

I wonder - does she hold old fashioned views where men are king, at all?

There are some women out there who think the approval of men is the be all and end all. Is she like that?

I think your mum is being a dick, tbh. But I assume your ex is fairly charismatic - there must have been some reason behind your getting together and abusive men often are.

I wonder, would you describe your mum as a woman's woman or a man's woman? (I hate those phrases, but bear with...). Because some women will prioritise men's approval over almost anything (see pict's wise post above).

Certainly your mother is not behaving well in this situation. It's up to you whether you try and find reasons for that though - you don't have to. You can simply say 'mum, you are being a dick. I don't want you to fuss and fawn over a man who emotionally and financially abused me for years. But if you are going to go ahead, I won't facilitate that or be involved in it, so kindly don't discuss it with me.'

Then nip every conversation in the bud every single time.

Let her get on with it. If she's doing it to bug you, it will stop.

Detach, basically.

Thank you all for the replies.

The oddest thing is if anything she is very sexist and generally hates men! So if anything her behaviour is all the more confusing.

She and my dad divroced when I was 12 and her only relationship after that ended up very badly when he went off with a Russian mail order bride. I'm not even kidding. So quite often she would come out with "all men are bastards....".... just not my ex it seems!

Thank you all for the insights and perspectives.

I just don't know where to go from here with her really. I'm just avoiding her now.

I really appreciate the views and ideas.

This is a really hard one. You want your DD to have as 'undivorced', cohesive experience of life as you can possibly manage. That means everyone being on civil/warm terms with everyone else. Your mum has to stop gushing to you about your ex and his new family. That sounds like one of those stupid things that mums do. Just tell her that you don't want to hear about it. If she wishes to maintain a friendship, great. But it's entirely unreasonable of her to ask you to have anything to do with that. Regarding you ex's new babies, you should definitely have helped DD buy a present for her to give them - you haven't said if you did that or not. And hopefully your DD is not picking up on your tension about these issues. It might help her as well if you mum didn't bug you about them in her presence.

Your ex sounds like the most selfish, appallingly callous person and I'm glad you're no longer in a situation where he has any hold over your life. Your mum probably is too, if she's being completely honest.

Thank you for your thoughts.

We didn't buy dd a gift for the babies. But it isn't the done thing in our (mine and exes relationship) - when I had ds who was born several months before his twins he didn't buy anything for dd to give me, and I didn't expect him to, that task was left to my dh. Likewise on birthdays and things exes parents usually buy a card for him with dd and buy something for her to give him. We don't do the buying of anything, neither ex nor I, however this doesn't mean dd misses out on giving presents as my dh or exes parents sort something out if that makes sense.

Which makes my mum's card and present even more odd and hurtful.

We are now several days into this and mum and I haven't contacted each other or spoke to each other since the last text from her. I don't think I can just carry on from this, if she cannot apologise and try to see things from my point of view I think I have had enough.

I really do try with my ex and his family. I might be silently seething but I keep that we'll hidden from dd and I am always smiling and polite to them.

I just don't want my mum to be friends with my ex.