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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To bag it all up if they can't tidy up?

42 replies

Tittypulumpcious · 27/07/2013 10:27

After time away with work I return home to a bomb site, dh stuff everywhere. Dsd shoes in every bloody room, a doll here a cuddly toy there empty wrappers on the side..I want to bag the whole sodding lot up and ditch it. Why is it my 'job' to ensure our home is kept clean and tidy ffs. I have a full time job a lot of which I spend away from home AIBU to want to return home and find it kind of how I left it CLEAN AND TIDY!

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 27/07/2013 10:30

yanbu.

have you tried the gentle ask nicely approach? if you have sked nicely twice, time to get stroppier! leave yourself somewhere to go next though. (bin with black bag probably)

RubyGoat · 27/07/2013 10:34

Sympathies. I feel the same way. I work, DH doesn't. Yet I'm the one who does all the cleaning & tidying. (literally every bloody bit of it.) He just won't no matter how much I ask, threaten, argue, bribe, etc. Sick of it.

Original poster

Tittypulumpcious · 27/07/2013 10:37

Dh works long hours and has dsd 4 nights a week even so as I have pointed out there are lots of single parents with full time care of their children who work and manage a home! Tumble dryer full of clothes laundry bin is full..I'm going to burn the bastard lot!!

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 27/07/2013 10:39

Why do you put up with it Lego?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 27/07/2013 10:52

I started to do this when things were left hanging around, they were asked to shift it and if it was not done i would stick it in a black bag and put it on the patio. even been know to chuck stuff out there without the bag worked though, they usually shift stuff soon as I remind them now sadly it has not cured the leaving it there in the first place.

RussianBlu · 27/07/2013 13:22

I totally feel your pain. Only the other day I put a load of stuff in a bin bag and said if it wasn't tidied away soon it would be going out. My oldest finds it much easier to put chocolate wrappers down the side of the fridge/washing machine/couch/bed/on top of the wardrobe/under the chair etc than he does to actually put it in the bin.

If everyone just tidied up as they went along life would be so much nicer!

formicadinosaur · 27/07/2013 15:20

Do it. Bag it up and put it in the bin

RatUpADrainpipe · 27/07/2013 15:21

Black Bin Bags are your Friends - repeat repeat repeat !

RubyGoat · 28/07/2013 00:28

DH is SAHD to our DD, who is 15m. He is really good with her but does sod all else. But, he is going to college in a couple of months & university next year (I hope, please please please) as he has been out of work for years. He had a breakdown about 9 years ago & his family chucked him out so he came to live with me. He has problems still but he is funny, gentle, clever (as in, an actual genius, especially with maths & science), & devoted & is a fantastic dad. It's just a shame he doesn't realise it's not normal to live in a pigsty, his family are worse, their house is actually like one of those nightmare houses on channel 5 about hoarders, with little 'corridors' between the piles of stuff. I don't let DD go over there, it's a death trap. And absolutely filthy.

To be fair, he put on 1 load of washing this week, and washed up once. And raked my allotment. I had to ask for each but he did them. I suppose that's not quite sod all housework.

So actually in comparison to the way he grew up, he's really quite normal.

theWookiesWife · 28/07/2013 10:23

I'm so glad that this isn't just me putting up with all this !! It seems to be something that pretty much every family does - leave their rubbish and stuff everywhere they shouldn't ! I did start to tidy up and put away - but now I have boxes for everyone and I just pick it up and dump it in the appropriate box - if they don't put it away by end of week or earlier if overflowing - then I throw it away !!! Worked so far !!!

HollyBerryBush · 28/07/2013 10:32

DH is SAHD to our DD, who is 15m. He is really good with her but does sod all else

This is the mantra of the SAHM though - look after the baby and the partner who is out of the house being paid to can do the house work, cook the evening meal and bathtime/bedtime because it's sooooo stressful being with children all day. . Egged on by a chorus of other SAHMs

DrCoconut · 28/07/2013 18:38

Today we have a big box labelled clutter and a nice tidy living room! I'll decide what to do with the box in due course.

martini84 · 28/07/2013 19:49

Really holly. Not my experience at all. I have similar issues to the op. I do literally 95% of childcare and house stuff. With 3 dc including a 10 month old whirlwind it is hard. Made 10 times harder having to pick up after everyone.
I think most sahm do do all they can during the day but should be supported by patner once home. This doesn't always happens.
My dh seems to think his day ends when he walks in the door. Wish mine did.

deleted203 · 28/07/2013 19:52

Do it! It works. I occasionally get fed up with the chaos in the house and warn folks that, 'Tomorrow I am sweeping through with my bin liners!'

Anything left out is shoved in a bin liner by the door - if it's still there on bin day it goes out!

You should hear the cries of rage as teens rummage through to find their iPad/favourite shirt/A level coursework etc mixed up with old apple cores, bits of lego and other people's crap.

RubyGoat · 28/07/2013 21:51

Interesting how, on the rare days I look after DD all on my own & DH goes out, I invariably manage to do at least 1 load of laundry, 1 load of washing up, & am usually at least part way through making dinner when he arrives home. As well as lots of play time, & outside time if the weather is ok. I'm not disputing that it can be stressful being a SAHP, but so is being stuck in a stressful & highly regulated job you hate with no prospect of promotion, for 9 years, & not being able to afford to leave & retrain as you need to support your long term unemployed DH. Coming home to find he spends the majority of his days watching Cbeebies with DD doesn't help either. I'm told the benefits people don't like it if you go from a well paid but horrible job, to a lower paid job that's actually more suitable & has real prospects, as you might qualify for more benefits.

Still, I only have to put up with it for another 4 years or so & then (hopefully) DH will have finished university & be able to support me so we can have another baby.

Plomino · 28/07/2013 21:58

Do it . It doesn't happen often , but sometimes I've had a really really grim day , and then come home to find the house in utter utter chaos, and I'm not fussy , so for it to be bad enough for me to be pissed off is quite something . It's on those days as my neighbours have been known to watch in wonder as every last bit of offending crap has been thrown out of the front door into the drive , regardless of value or weather conditions.

I then say not a word , and go to bed . By then time I get up , the house is at least relatively tidy , and the drive is immaculate . There's just no bloody need for it .

RubyGoat · 28/07/2013 22:02

In any case Holly my DH doesn't say it's stressful. He enjoys being a SAHD. He freely admits that he does virtually no housework because he a) doesn't realise it needs doing, & b) can't be bothered.

I regularly do 2 or 3 loads of washing up in a day. I fail to understand how he can 'not realise' it needs doing when there are no clean plates or spoons FFS! And he won't vacuum the living room, even though I remind him before I leave for work. DD regularly eats bits of grit etc off the floor because he doesn't clean it. Am I supposed to just do ALL the housework as well as earning ALL the money & does that mean it's ok for him just to babysit

martini84 · 28/07/2013 22:29

Your situation sounds awful lego. I struggle to i do it all whilst I sahm. How you do it and hold down a job lego?
I agree though. Even on a bad day I get all the washing up done. At least 1 load washing and cook. Any else gets done in the evening. It is hugely annoying though that it can take half an hour to tidy before I can even hoover.
Oops now I am derailing this thread.
Yes do bin bag op and let us know how you get on. I am tempted to do the same.

martini84 · 28/07/2013 22:29

Op it must be tough for you too.

RubyGoat · 29/07/2013 06:24

Haha I have suggested the bin bag to my DH previously & he just said he will throw out some of my stuff in revenge. So I have to bin it by stealth. (Every time I have the house to myself for a few hours - rare but precious.) It's not as satisfying, nor does it get the message across in the same way, but it does help my stress levels a little bit & I can get rid of the odd thing that's broken/dangerous/just plain vile, & at least as he is so spectacularly untidy I can just deny all knowledge. I know it's a bit passive aggressive but I have to pick my battles & how to fight them.

RubyGoat · 29/07/2013 06:31

BTW I only own clothes, books & admittedly quite a lot of wool as I knit. But most of that is due to be converted into clothes for DD. So I really don't have much cluttering the house up.

CailinDana · 29/07/2013 07:48

Holly I've never seen any SAHM saying she just wants to watch tv with her children and leave all the housework to her DH. What actually happens on the threads you're referring to is that the DH expects the SAHM to do absolutely everything around the house, including picking up his socks from various places around the house. That is just not on. I am a SAHM (mostly) and I keep the place tidy during the day but I absolutely do not pick up my DH's clothes or rubbish.

Lego your DH is taking the piss. He might be funny gentle and clever but he is also lazy and totally disrespectful. He doesn't do housework because he "can't be bothered." In other words, he sees how it stresses you out but he couldn't give a shit because he just doesn't care.

CailinDana · 29/07/2013 07:51

Oh and YANBU OP. In future when you're away with work call them in advance and warn them that you'll be home at such and such a time and that you expect the house entirely clean. If it's not, you'll head out to a hotel/your mum's/friend's house for the night and not come back until it is tidy.

doublecakeplease · 29/07/2013 08:19

Do it! I may do it too - although DS is only 18 months so understandably makes a mess and DH wouldn't notice for months if i chucked half of his crap prized tools out

Lego - i'd be rationing the crockery etc (literally putting it away and leaving enough for 1 plate / bowl each) if he insisted on using everything and not washing up!

Original poster

Tittypulumpcious · 29/07/2013 09:37

Right it's been 2 days and although the tumble dryer has been emptied and wrappers binned all the other shit stuff remains.

I have selfishly (or not) done my laundry from being away but haven't touched his. I can't stand it any longer so when he left for work at stupid o'clock I bagged it all up and sent him a text to say if its not sorted by bin day it'll be taking a trip with the bin men.

I've been up since 6 am bagging up and cleaning the house because unlike him I can't live in a shit tip. I've told him if he wants to keep his usually calm and happy wife either help out or get a bloody cleaner.

He's very calmly said sorry and he will do more...

Horseshit!!! Is it time for yet??!

OP posts:

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