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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wake my husband and ask him to make me breakfast in bed?

77 replies

Bejeena · 27/07/2013 08:23

I am 37 weeks pregnant and before we ever conceived he always promised he'd wait on me hand and foot through pregnancy. In reality he actually hasn't very much, requests to pop to the shop when i really fancied something at the time (ie bag maltesers) were never met, another solution was always found and i did without. He is not happy with amount of cooking and housework he has to do and i have still been doing a fair bit.

He is snoring away next to me and it is 9:15am here as always on weekends - he lies in until 11am at least usually, although once again he promised I could always have breakfast in bed throughout pregnancy I almost always make it myself.

I am really hot (35c here already) really hungry and feel really uncomfortable and want to rest, is it really unfair to ask him to get up and make me something. I know if I get up and do it myself I'll just exhaust myself and the morning will be gone.

Am I unfair on him? I hear about lots of husbands doing plenty of things for their wives in late pregnancy but I am worried he'll moan and be in bad mood all weekend

How on earth women manage with a second pregnancy I don't know, he seems to think I'll change my mind on second child but not at the rate he is going, I'll need more support to do this again.

Baaaaa sorry just hormonal and need to moan really - but am I that unreasonable?

OP posts:

Boosiehs · 27/07/2013 16:04

Jeezus. All this "my life is harder than yours" crap is ridiculous. If you are in a couple then there is no reason at all why the non-preg partner can't make life a bit easier for the preg partner.

All this, I scrubbed the floor every day and looked after 15 toddlers and cooked every meal on a camping stove while pregnant just smacks of jealousy.

MikeOxard · 27/07/2013 16:08

I came on to say YABU that's actually domestic abuse, but then I read you were 35wks pg, in which case YANBU at all, and it's the very, very least he could do for you after knocking you up!

As for the 'you're pregnant not ill' thing, what a load of bollocks. I suffered more on a daily basis from pregnancy than I have done from most illnesses I've ever had, SPD, indigestion, heartburn, sleeplessness, exhaustion, stomach stretching breaking the skin, getting kicked in the ribs and cervix, morning (noon and night) sickness, etc etc etc. Just because it's not an illness, doesn't mean you don't suffer from it!

PoppyAmex · 27/07/2013 16:18

"If you are in a couple then there is no reason at all why the non-preg partner can't make life a bit easier for the preg partner."

I agree with this, but I find the "waiting on me hand and foot" mentality a bit repulsive tbh.

There's nothing in the OP that suggests SPD or any type of illness, she just wanted breakfast in bed and "fancied maltesers" and by her own admission her DH "found other solutions".

DH should share responsibilities and support you, but he's not your slave.

Frankly I think it's a lack of respect to disturb other people's sleep for anything short of an emergency my DD hasn't slept in 16 months so I value sleep, if DH txt'ed me on behalf of our foetus stern words would be had.

PoppyAmex · 27/07/2013 16:23

Forgot to say:

OP if you possibly can, have a lie too - you never know if you'll get a non-sleeper like me and you won't regret resting now!

zatyaballerina · 27/07/2013 16:23

I agree with MikeOxard, I've never been more ill than when I was pregnant either, dp was sympathetic enough to make regular runs to the 24 hour at three or four in the morning when I woke up with a specific craving without complaint, it's what partners are supposed to do when the other is pregnant.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2013 16:24

I know if I get up and do it myself I'll just exhaust myself and the morning will be gone.

FFS you could have just grabbed yourself a bowl of cornflakes

And as for him promising to wait on you hand and foot...words fail me.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2013 16:27

Partners are supposed to get up at 3 or 4 in the morning to indulge cravings??

Try stocking up on things you're most likely to crave, instead of expecting royal treatment.

No-one died because they didn't have ice cream and pickles or whatever it is they wanted.

maja00 · 27/07/2013 16:27

Yeah, yeah - you're pregnant not ill. But it takes two people to make a baby and one person to carry it. The OP is doing all the work at the moment so why shouldn't her husband make her breakfast and get her treats from the shop?

Lots of women on Mumsnet seem to think you have to accept being treated like shit by your partner because it's worse not to have one at all. I disagree. Pregnancy and the newborn stage is mostly work for the mother, so the father should be taking up the slack.

I expect to be treated nicely during pregnancy and when I have a newborn. I expect to get lie-ins and meals cooked for me. I expect DP to do more of the housework and childcare. Of course I do - why wouldn't I?

Once the baby is a bit older and you aren't breastfeeding round the clock, everything can be split a bit more equally. But while the mother is doing 100% of growing the baby, the father should be looking after the mother.

Boosiehs · 27/07/2013 16:28

In my mind popping to the corner shop to get some sweets when you've been feeling like shit all day, or getting up and making breakfast are exactly what I meant by making life a bit easier, and a bit nicer!

Of course she could have got up, but why can't he just for once get up and do something nice?

I read this just after I'd asked my DH to get up and make me a cuppa, which he happily did!!

HotCrossPun · 27/07/2013 16:29

All this competitive pregnancy nonsense is so depressing.

He has said he is going to make her breakfast and he didn't. She may not be ill, but the chances are she is feeling pretty shit just now.

I am pregnant at the moment and I won't hesitate in asking my DP to help me with something/nip to the shops if I need him to.

If he is feeling poorly or has had a particularly stressed at work, I have often made him a nice breakfast. It's not difficult, but it's a nice thing to.

Everybody saying 'I did everything myself' 'stop being so pathetic' etc needs to get a grip.

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy · 27/07/2013 16:31

Worra I'll have you know dh came very close to death when he forgot my jazzies.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2013 16:33

Baby!

Readallaboutit1 · 27/07/2013 16:35

FourLittleDudes you have completely contradicted yourself in your post.

PoppyAmex · 27/07/2013 16:36

"Lots of women on Mumsnet seem to think you have to accept being treated like shit by your partner because it's worse not to have one at all. I disagree. Pregnancy and the newborn stage is mostly work for the mother, so the father should be taking up the slack."

I'm not sure what you are basing your assumptions on, but I don't think OP's DH treated her "like shit" and I know my DH certainly never has (when I've been pregnant or otherwise).

In return, I don't "treat him like shit" either and it works quite well.

maja00 · 27/07/2013 16:39

Promising breakfast in bed and not delivering
OP worried that if she asks he will ruin the weekend with his bad mood
Resents having to do even a small amount of cooking and housework

Yep, all sounds pretty shit to me. Worse when there's a newborn involved too.

PoppyAmex · 27/07/2013 16:50

I don't think we read the same post.

Promising breakfast in bed and not delivering
"he promised I could always have breakfast in bed throughout pregnancy I almost always make it myself."

Sounds like he said this before OP got pregnant and that was obviously a stupid and unrealistic thing to say.

OP worried that if she asks he will ruin the weekend with his bad mood
I think she should be, I would be in a filthy mood if DH woke me up with a txt from our unborn baby too (and I'm also hevaily pregnant)

Resents having to do even a small amount of cooking and housework
"He is not happy with amount of cooking and housework he has to do and i have still been doing a fair bit."

That's not what the OP said at all. She's still doing a "fair bit" of cooking and housework (which to me implies he's doing the rest).

Anyway, I don't know these people and it's up to them how they live their lives and manage their relationships. I blame pregnancy hormones for getting involved in these ridiculous issues.

maja00 · 27/07/2013 16:51

Obviously, you are happy to be treated a certain way. I wouldn't be.

PoppyAmex · 27/07/2013 16:58

Obviously you don't know me.

NapaCab · 27/07/2013 17:26

YANBU, wake him up, boot him out of bed and tell him you're just trying to help him get used to the sleep deprivation he'll have to put up with once he's a father.

Honestly, sleeping in until 11 every weekend? He has a serious wake-up call coming once your baby arrives! Getting to sleep until 8am will seem like a lie-in then.

Bogeyface · 27/07/2013 23:11

Are all the "get a grip"ers reading a different thread?

When a man makes promises and fails to deliver, when a man gets in a filthy mood for being reminded of those promises, when a man only does his fair share with very bad grace....these are all signs that he has signed up to the Enid Blyton version of fatherhood. The OP will be back in six months, on her knees with exhaustion and asking if SIBU to expect him to do a couple of night feeds of a weekend. She will be doing all the cooking, cleaning, baby care etc and he will be carrying on as life has not changed.

I spent 6 months each of 3 of my pregnancies in a wheelchair, I literally couldnt do anything physical. What did my then DH do? Worked 3 hours of overtime a week to pay for the cleaner and drove a 60 mile round trip to get me a bar stool so I could still cook dinner (which I wanted to do). He bathed the kids, put them to bed and then bathed me and put me to bed! At no point did he make promises he didnt intend to keep or get in a rotten sulk because I asked him to put a wash on. Relationships is full of threads from women married to men like this. Most of them are on the verge of leaving these selfish menchildren.

fakebook · 27/07/2013 23:28

Here's a thought: instead of sending texts via a 34 week old foetus, how about talking to him yourself about how you're feeling when he's wide awake and tell him you're feeling neglected or whatever. Couples shouldn't have to make promises like this...it should be something that is done unconditionally and from the heart. You live and learn.

Original poster

Bejeena · 28/07/2013 18:20

Ok well thanks for all the replies those agreeing with me and those not Sorry have not had chance to read them all.

Reason I didn't read them all is when I started the message I was actually in labour and didn't know it, when we realised and got to the hospital last night I was already 5cm and About five hours later I gave birth to our son, taking us all by surprise 4 weeks early!

Needless to say he came up trumps at supporting me through last night and well life is to short to care about who makes breakfast anyway - although I am now big headed enough to know I wasn't unreasonable at all

OP posts:

PoppyAmex · 28/07/2013 18:25

Bejeena that's really smashing, congratulations!

I'm really pleased all went well and that you shared this happy moment together. Best of luck.

HumphreyCobbler · 28/07/2013 18:31

Many congratulations Bejeena.

I also agree, you were not unreasonable.. A labouring woman deserves breakfast in bed.

wickedwitchNE · 28/07/2013 18:50

Ha what an amazing ending! You were SO not being unreasonable by the way, breakfast in bed once in 9 months is not too difficult, especially if promised.
Congratulations :)

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