to want 'mummy friendships' to last

[whatwasIthinkingof]

My DD is 18 months old and whilst I made quite a few 'mummy friends' to start with before and after she was born I am finding these friendships quite transitory and unpredictable. I did do an ante-natal course (not NCT) and met a group of 5 friends there but I only see one of them now and she has let me down the last couple of times we've arranged to meet. The others are either back at work full time or moved to another area. One woman I met at a playgroup I used to spend a lot of time with, meeting nearly every week at one stage, has now moved to a new city so I think it is unlikely we will spend much time together again. I think I am overly gutted about it and she doesn't seem to be!

I can usually find things to do with my DD in our area but often feel a bit bored and sometimes bit lonely. I have this idea that other mums are having this wonderful social life out there and all have friends right from the birth of their babies that are stable friendships. I do find these friendships very transitory and people don't seem to make much effort.

I think I had a rose-tinted idea that I would still know a lot of these people as our kids got older and we could reminisce together about when they were tiny, - stupid or what!!

I do have a handful of close friends who I've known for years and generally these relationships are good although I only see them every few weeks/months. I feel I need a group of mummy friends simply to do things with or I tend to feel a bit isolated.

DH says I invest far too much in my friendships and I should just take it as the ebb and flow of life. But I am convinced everyone is having a wonderful social life and is constantly meeting up wtih other families to have fun together. Is this actually true??? Could really do with knowing what it is like for others, have sometimes convinced myself that if I had only done NCT antenatal then I would have this wonderful mummy social circle still going on. Any advice as I am feeling a bit down about the whole friends thing but just wonder AIBU.

I am still friends with a lovely lady I met at playgroup, our children are now 8. However we only see each other every 6 months or so. Very hard to have an active social life when we work, have partners and children.
As your DD gets older you'll meet lots of mummy friends in the playground, some will last, some won't. Unfortunately just life

I don't think there's a magic wand that makes you get on with everyone you meet just because you're all parents. Sure you have at least one common denominator, but that could be it.

My daughter is 6 now - some friends are very casual, tolerated because my daughter likes their child. Others are really good friendships. Some won't last and that's fine, some will I think.

It's the same with all friendships really. You might stay in touch with a couple of old schoo friends but most of them drift away after a while. You can be very friendly with a bunch of colleagues but a couple of years after you've left the job it's unlikely you'll be in regular contact with more than a couple of them. You make friends with neighbours, move house and only keep in touch with a couple of them.
Long term friendships are about having more that something superficial in common and there's really only going to be a smallish number of people from each 'section' of your life that become lifelong friends.

OP, don't feel down. Sometimes classes result in lifelong friendships, but most of the time, they don't. Many people don't form any natural bonds with the others in their classes, other times they find some fun supportive companions for the first couple of years but then drift apart. It's perfectly normal as everyone leads such busy lives.

Your DH is right, for normal people many of their casual friends will come and go - it's less upsetting if you remember that it's natural for them to leave our lives but that doesn't take away any of the value that they added when they were there. Really good friends - the sort of lifelong friend who will be your best man/bridesmaid and cry at your funeral - are rare, and made pretty much at random as you go through life.

If you give yourself a break and concentrate on having fun just you and your DD and your DH, 'mummy' friendships will be come to you eventually. There might be lonely patches - but they will pass.

(So, YABU, but that sounds harsher than it should be!)

I've got three children, the eldest is almost 10. I still have some 'mummy friends' from ten years ago but others have petered out naturally, some will be forever friends. Whatever the circumstances of meeting people and becoming friends, some friendships last, some don't, it's just the way of life :)

I think the time around having a baby/toddler is quite an unstable one anyway, people move for jobs, go back to work, don't go back to work, and there seems to be a lot of shifting around this time, so don't despair, that's seems to be the nature of it. I did an NCT antenatal and didn't manage to make one friend, I did stay friends for a while with one person from pre-natal classes but the group she was in was very bitchy and I had to leave for my sanity!

After those initial turbulent years, many people do settle down in one place partly because of schools- not saying they will never get up and leave, but more that you can start to relax a bit and really find out who you get on with rather than cling to anyone passing. I think you can make better friends at this stage.

Also I have made better friends with my colleagues (I still work ft) and keep in touch with many of them than mums at the school because we are much more similar and interested in the same things, having a child is not really a common experience once you are passed the intense baby stage, plus I am friends with younger colleagues (who are still at the dating stage) and older ones (whose children have left home or don't have kids) as they often have more time than people with younger children/family oriented.

I only make about 1 or 2 friends per 'episode' of life though, I wouldn't expect to have hundreds of friends if I moved away just a select few.

Finally, some mums just get overwhelmed by family life and can't seem or don't want to keep up their old friendships- it's sad and I think it's silly (this phase will pass) but now I mainly concentrate on the friends who do make time for me despite also working/having kids/never having enough hours in the day- otherwise it is like bashing your head on a brick wall.

OP if it helps i felt a bit like this 5 years ago when DS1 was born. There were only 3 in my AN group (!) I was expecting to find a magical group of friends (I had high expectations, Justine, Carrie and Rachel MN met at AN classes)

But I didn't. I did muddle through though. It helped once DS was in pre-school and you're regularly meeting a larger group of people at the door every day

If you feel you need a group of mummy friends to do with, why not have a look on your MN local and find some activities and join in there and suggest another outing?

From what I can see these groups are 'forced friendships' or 'temporary friendships of convenience'.

I didn't bother as I dislike commitment and being pinned down. A lot of people probably view these 'friendships' as transient and serve a purpose for a while, so I don't see the point in investing in that.

I wouldn't let it bother you. I doubt it's personal, seems more circumstantial. Don't invest too much in these things!

I get what you mean OP. My experience was similar to yours. I did lots of stuff but didn't click with many people and TBH I was bored some of the time. I think long lasting friendships also need something 'deeper' and if all you're talking about is nappies and finger food, that's not going to happen.

I din't really make a lot of friends when my DDs were babies but now they got to school I have a lot fo good friends who I hope will still be friends for a long while>

Don't worry, it will happen as they your child gets older