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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never buy my DP a present again?

55 replies

Booboostoo · 24/07/2013 22:43

I quite like a family tradition of giving and receiving gifts so DP and I have always given each other surprise gifts for Christmas and our birthdays. The monetary value of the gift does not bother me at all, more the thought behind it, and I honestly enjoy the giving bit a lot (I think about possible gifts long and hard, plan out the surprise, and enjoy seeing DP enjoy receiving them).

Last year was DP's 40th and as he always likes openning a lot of presents I got 18 of them and arranged them around our bed before I woke him up. Two were 'proper' presents and the rest were small things, little jokes, etc. He had a great time tearing the miles of wraping paper all over the bed.

This year it was my 40th. DP got me 7 lie-in vouchers. Now this is a sore point for a number of reasons. I do all the early mornings (weekdays and weekends) and even if DP is doing something with DD, I get up to get her washed, fed, dressed, etc. DP only sorts himself out in the mornings. As you can imagine this is a sore point in our relationship and we have argued about it in the past. So I feel like he has gifted me something that he should be doing anyway. Also, 7 is a pityful number. If he was to really make amends he could have gifted me 52 lie-ins so we could have one each every weekend. I haven't used any of the vouchers as frankly they piss me off.

So, would I be unreasonable never to buy him a present again? I enjoy our family tradition and don't want to give up on it, but I can't quite motivate myself to think about Christmas this year.

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 24/07/2013 23:08

A 'Hurrah! You get to keep your balls!' voucher.

Joiningthegang · 24/07/2013 23:09

Yes I had forgotten the buying stuff for you that is actually for me trick!

Kids handprints in clay, photos - spa idea brilliant - especially if he isn't a spa type of man.

His excuse is pathetic and transparent and along the lines if "I don't do any housework because you are sooooo amazing at it and I know you have high standards and I wod hate to let you down"

Divorce voucher?

lottiegarbanzo · 24/07/2013 23:11

Sounds like he forgot.

garlicagain · 24/07/2013 23:16

What you did for his birthday was FANTASTIC!

Please come and live with me for a few days next March! Just around my birthday Since yours is in March, too, I'll reciprocate by arranging you elegantly on my antique chaise longue, bringing you everything you may desire and generally treating you like a very lazy special creature.

Deal?

This Christmas, tell him his vouchers suck and give him a wish list.

iklboo · 24/07/2013 23:20

Give him a voucher for half a blow job.

iklboo · 24/07/2013 23:23

NOT to be put together with the half a blow job voucher MalcolmTuckersMother suggested so he gets a full one. Uh uh. No way.

lessonsintightropes · 25/07/2013 02:46

My DH, cannot complain, is nice about presents. However love the upthread suggestion of booking stuff you'd like as his gift. "Oh, DH! I've booked us a room for two in a spa in the Costwolds with lovely breakfasts and a complimentary spa treatment - I'll have the back massage so you can have a beer and read in the garden for a bit of a relax." Something like that, perhaps :D

Thumbwitch · 25/07/2013 02:56

That's crap and he's a cock.

And I might be projecting a touch because DH is also shit at buying me presents, apparently because "I'm so difficult to buy for" - I don't wear perfume (most of it smells like cats' pee on me), he daren't buy me clothes (quite right too!), we have most DVDs and music we want because we buy it as we go; the house is full of stuff already - he does have a point. BUT he also has "form" for being shit at getting presents for me.

The time he got me a 16Gb flash drive, thinking I'd be thrilled - no.
The time I showed him a scarf I really liked, pale green and yellow lace with hints of sparkle - and he bought a mushroom coloured crochet job "because he forgot which one I'd pointed out to him" - I sulked until I could get back to the shop and change it for the one I actually wanted.
Last year, when I was 7m pregnant, with SPD, polyhydramnios, hideous acid reflux and he wanted to take me shopping. No.
This year - well I still don't have an actual present. But I'm starting not to care so much :( - and have cut right back on thoughtfulness around his presents too, which might be childish but then I don't feel quite so bad about getting no thought from him.

I did think about saying "that's it, CBA to swap presents with you any more" - but DS1 would have been upset by that, he loves to play Santa's Little Helper at Christmas and would have wanted to know where our presents were - so I've just had to curtail my expectations and curtailed his gifts at the same time.

tiggerpigger · 25/07/2013 03:18

I would be inclined to agree with him that the cat doesn't need walking

Justforlaughs · 25/07/2013 05:27

Suggest to him that you could use the 7 lie in vouchers on a nice week long break with a friend!

CSIJanner · 25/07/2013 07:59

I'm agog that you you got 7 lie in vouchers!

I got Mother's Day. Even then, they came up 40mins later and jumped all over me.

ArtemisatBrauron · 25/07/2013 08:13

eldritch

I'd go out and buy something awesome, jewellery or something else you want and make it clear it's for your birthday. Then don't buy him anything for Christmas so he can see how it feels. Maybe put some coal and one of these excellent vouchers in a stocking

x2boys · 25/07/2013 08:29

I feel your pain I never get a lie unless I beg for it my dh,s excuse I work all week newsflash we both work long unscociable hours and both work full time but some how his job is more tiring than mine he,s a truck driver in warehouse I,m a mental health nurse I think we should share them he does not!

maternitart · 25/07/2013 08:41

Give him the lie in vouchers back for Christmas having used a couple

Also, why are you thinking about Christmas presents now, during a summer heatwave?

Original poster

Booboostoo · 25/07/2013 11:49

I do put a lot of effort in my presies so I start early!!!

I think I might go with the voucher for half a blowjob, but print it out in lovely paper with great graphics (DP was rather proud of the fact that he had gone on the internet, found a voucher template and printed it up!), then wrap it all up in a huge box kind of like a pass the parcel gift. He loves big presents and opens them first so I think I'll go with a massive box, eventually leading to a poxy piece of paper with a crappy half voucher!

Look out for the Christmas reveal update thread!

OP posts:

BlokesCantBuyPressies · 25/07/2013 12:28

Right, thought I'd throw in a male perspective here (despite risk of general battering).

First, stereotypes that are true (for me, at least): I'm really not interested in birthdays (or christmas, valentine's day, father's day etc) and particularly not in the competitive-present-buying thing. I do not care, at all, if my birthday arrives and not one card or present appears. Also, as a man, I do actually mean this when I say it - who else has been caught out by "No, you don't need to buy me anything." and lived to regret it? Show of hands please.

I also don't buy my wife clothes (see Thumbwitch scarf comment above) because clothes are not interesting to me and I am certain that I will get the wrong thing (you can earn DeathStare Points for both clothes that are too large and too small, as well as just unsuitable). The only exception is if I am absolutely, 100% sure what she wants - I took a photo of the tag on a coat that she liked in M&S but they didn't have in her size, then trawled across London to find it.

I don't really like buying jewelry or perfume, because it feels like a cop-out after having bought so much of it over the last 20 years. Thoughts, anyone?

In summary, it's bloody difficult. It is much easier if you tell your DH what you would like. Don't imagine that he knows, or that he can work it out, or that subtle hints will work, or that he'll be able to remember which dress it was that other woman was wearing when you said "Oooh, I really like that!" last Tuesday.

Just tell him. Then either you'll be happy, or he'll deserve to be deep in the shit.

DeckSwabber · 25/07/2013 12:35

The lie-in voucher thingy is crap. You'll still have to ask and then there will no doubt be grumblings when it comes to it and you'll end up staying in bed but unable to sleep. An occasional lie-in is something he should be giving you without being asked.

YouTheCat · 25/07/2013 12:37

Bloke, you actually sound really thoughtful. It was really nice that you went to so much trouble over a coat you knew your wife would like and that you bothered to get the right size.

It seems like OP's husband likes all these gifts he receives though but can't be bothered to reciprocate. OP even said it's not about the expense but the thought and it seems not much thought went into her gift.

I do agree with spelling out what you do want though. We tend to buy one gift that is asked for and then use a bit of imagination and get something daft.

I used to be married to someone who thought £20 shoved in my hand was adequate (that was when he even remembered). He even did that for Christmas one year 2 days before I was due to have an caesarian with twins so not actually able to just pop out shopping.

GingerBlondecat · 25/07/2013 12:48

Bloke............. Big difference between you and Him.

You don't care about Pressents.

Op's Husband Loves them, More the Merrier.

Iaintdunnuffink · 25/07/2013 13:43

You have to get just him 7 lie in vouchers for Xmas. Then once he's used them all up he has no excuse but to get out of bed.

DontmindifIdo · 25/07/2013 14:01

I think you need to deal with this rather than trying to think of ways to get back at him.

Can you sit him down when the DCs are in bed and say you want to talk about the inbalance at the weekends, that the '7 lie in voucher' gift upset you so much because you realise that in his mind, it's your job to get up every single day, and 7 days off doing that in a whole year would be a 'treat', whereas he gets 2 lie ins every single weekend - he considers himself entitled to 104 lie ins a year, and so was being 'generous' giving you 7 back. When in reality, if he really respected you as a partner, he'd agree that you should get one lie in a weekend each. Ask him to explain why he should get 2 lie ins every single weekend and you get none. (Then sit quietly and say nothing for a minute, if he starts saying 'I don't know' stay quiet for another couple of beats and say, well you obviously think the lie ins belong to you, as why else would you think you could gift them?)

So from now on starting this weekend, he can choose either Saturday or Sunday, it can be his choice, but he gets up, gets the DCs dressed, breakfasted and out for hte day without expecting you to do it. That will be the new rule in the family home every weekend you are both at home. And that while you are going to bin those insulting vouchers, would he like you to give him a list of things you would like as a main gift at Christmas and birthdays from now on rather than having to use his imagination? It will still be a bit of a surprise as you won't know which thing off the list he'll pick.

The hard bit will be sticking to it, so you have to throw him out of bed if need be this weekend.

This isn't about gifts, this is about him taking your for granted. Time to make him stop.

garlicagain · 25/07/2013 14:11

Oooh, Dontmind, brilliant post!

you obviously think the lie ins belong to you, as why else would you think you could gift them?

So true!

Charlesroi · 25/07/2013 14:25

Do your 7 lie-ins include him watering, feeding, grooming, mucking out and exercising your horses? Folowed by washing them down and tack cleaning?
Nah. Thought not.

Make an Amazon wish list and direct him towards it before you kill him.

GingerBlondecat · 25/07/2013 14:47

Dontmind I wish I could write so intelligently. That is a very clear way to get the point across.

GingerBlondecat · 25/07/2013 14:48

Dontmind

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