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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really upset being seperated from newborn?

37 replies

fanjobiscuits · 23/07/2013 16:03

AIBU?

To feel really anxious about being seperated from newborn?

I have a one week old and we have both had a bit of a rough time of the delivery. Baby fine now but I'm still not at all well and have been advised to rest in bed.

In laws have travelled a long way to see baby today and tomorrow. OH is in another room with them and baby while I am supposed to sleep.

I didn't expect to feel like this but I feel really awful to not be in the same room as baby. Am almost in tears with how much I don't like it.

I'm not sure how long they will want to stay tonight (they are staying in local hotel) and am worried they will want to stay really late and I will be seperated from baby until then (except for feeds) Am feeling really panicky at the thought.

I really want them to have time with baby but am feeling surplus to requirements and really sad and vulnerable. Equally the live 4-5 hours away and have travelled down a long time to see baby tonight and tomorrow morning and I want to make sure they can make the most of this.

So as not to drip feed, I can't go and sit with them as my post birth issues basically mean I need to lie 'drying out' various bits of me that are not fit for in laws to see. The room I'm in is boiling so even with a light sheet cover over me isn't workable for more than 5 mins. I have a fever I'm trying to get rid of to get fully better, which is worrying the hospital as they can't work out what it is. I would really prefer to be walking around the cooler parts of the house without covering myself up so I can heal but this isn't feasible with company. I have totally spelt separately wrong in this post but am a bit beyond correcting it at the moment, sorry.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it normal or am I just being PFB/hormonal? What would be a reasonable time to expect them to leave?

OP posts:
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 23/07/2013 16:09

Can you ask your OH to make sure your in-laws don't stay over-long? If your in-laws are reasonable people they'll understand.

VinegarDrinker · 23/07/2013 16:11

Very normal IME. If you are BFing you can always pretend feeds are much longer than they are. That's unless you have a cluster-feeder in which case no need to pretend!

doublecakeplease · 23/07/2013 16:11

Not unreasonable - give your partner a shout and get him to bring the baby in to you for a bit. Expect them to understand - tell him to be upfront - 'fanjo wants a cuddle, you can see baby again in a bit whilst she's ready'

Congratulations!

doublecakeplease · 23/07/2013 16:12

Not unreasonable - give your partner a shout and get him to bring the baby in to you for a bit. Expect them to understand - tell him to be upfront - 'fanjo wants a cuddle, you can see baby again in a bit whilst she's ready'

Congratulations!

Katz · 23/07/2013 16:12

I think your DH should let them know the full picture and that perhaps a short visit would be best for you. Hopefully they'll understand

Mabelface · 23/07/2013 16:12

When your DH comes in, ask him for the baby to come and be with you for a bit, and also ask him when they're likely to be leaving for the evening. You're allowed to feel weepy and upset, given your circumstances, and I'm sure that your inlaws would understand.

CailinDana · 23/07/2013 16:12

Yanbu at all. Can you talk to your dh about.it?

Frenchvanilla · 23/07/2013 16:13

Get your baby. Honestly, you poor thing. They all come second.

Can you just say that she needs to feed?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 23/07/2013 16:14

You need that baby back with you. Can you come up with something useful they could all do so that they go out for a bit & leave you to it? supermarket trip?

valiumredhead · 23/07/2013 16:14

Just ask your oh to bring the baby up to you. CongratsThanks

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 23/07/2013 16:15

Oh, better idea, send them out to buy you a fan. Two birds. One stone.

Jelly15 · 23/07/2013 16:18

Is your midwife or HV still calling? If so get her to explain, to hubby and PIL, you and baby need to be together and visits need to be very short, so that you can bond and establish feeding.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 23/07/2013 16:19

I'm not often one to say this but I think your I visitors need to be told to go!

Short visits for the first few days, not long, drawn out ones.

It is normal to just want to hunker down with your baby, that's your instinct and you should assert that right.

You clearly aren't wanting to stop them seeing their gc but your needs have to be priority.

Congratulations by the wayThanks

RobotBananas · 23/07/2013 16:20

You need to be doing whatever you need to do to bond with your new baby and to heal. If this means being in the cooler part of the house, then they need to shorten their visits.

Your DH cannot expect you to hide yourself away in the bedroom while you don't have a choice about what you need to do to recover.

Presumably your inlaws are reasonable people and would understand? If they're not then chuck them out anyway :)

Please don't sit in your sweltering bedroom feeling sad and lonely when what you should be doing is sitting wherever the fuck you want to while holding your newborn. Your DH should be doing whatever is humanly possible to facilitate this.

Original poster
fanjobiscuits · 23/07/2013 16:20

Hi All, thanks for the reassurance and advice have spoken to OH and feeling much better now, will spend some time with baby during feed then hand back for a bit more quality time with in laws before bed.

OP posts:
AnotherStitchInTime · 23/07/2013 16:21

Oh your poor thing. No your feelings are completely natural. It is terrible being separated from your newborn.

DH took dd1 for a walk and to the shops at a week old so I could rest, I just worried the whole time.

I would have a quiet word with your DH explaining how you are feeling. Ask him when the baby goes to sleep for him/her to be brought into you.

It is not a good thing for them to be cuddling the baby all the time as it may set you up for a hard night afterwards when baby doesn't want to be put down at all. I learnt that the hard way at my wedding when dd1 was 5 weeks old. She refused to sleep in her cot after being cuddled all day by family. It took me days to get her back to sleeping in it again.

Maybe suggest that they go after dinner so you can all get some rest, if dinner was already arranged beforehand that is. If not they could eat out somewhere nice locally and leave earlier.

Original poster
fanjobiscuits · 23/07/2013 16:23

Oops have cross posted with some slightly different replies. Am feeling ok about balancing out some time with in laws with own time during feed etc and leaving not too late. The journey is quite expensive as well as time consuming for them so really want them to have some bonding time.

OP posts:
Original poster
fanjobiscuits · 23/07/2013 16:25

Thanks for all advice - makes me feel I am not crazy and can go with gut feel of what is right for us.

OP posts:
ShoeWhore · 23/07/2013 16:30

YANBU at all OP. I remember going in the garden for 10mins when ds1 was a week old and literally feeling desperate to get back inside to him. I think we are programmed to feel like this so we don't wander off and leave our precious newborns to be eaten by wolves or anything Grin

Definitely ask your oh to bring the baby to you. Hope they get the hint and don't stay too long.

MrsDeVere · 23/07/2013 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rootatoot · 23/07/2013 16:33

Remember the feeling so well. Good your oh is understanding. Also good you are getting rest. But yes it's more than normal, I think it's primal mother urge to be with tiny baby and def if you had tough birth.

Much love, congrats and positive thoughts coming your way!

myroomisatip · 23/07/2013 16:39

I hope you have it sorted. I also think that we are 'programmed' and it is incredibly difficult to go against this programming.

I had an emergency CS although I was not too bad afterwards but I simply could not bear anybody holding my PFB, apart from me.... I was totally taken by surprise by the strength of the emotion so I fully understand and, since you wont get this time again, urge you to do whatever, absolutely whatever, you feel you need to do.

and CONGRATULATIONS Flowers

PurplePidjin · 23/07/2013 17:52

Ds is 8 months old. I went to a work thing at the weekend, dp was bringing ds up at 1:00 ish. By 1:30 i was starting to get frantic. Bearing in mind ds was safe with his daddy, who has been taking him out for walks since he was 3 weeks old. I was apart from them for just over 3 hours.

Totally normal feeling, you're just getting used to each other - skin to skin contact promotes feeding and bonding, and the wider family have a whole lifetime to get to know your new baby. It's nice that they're here, but not an essential part of the bonding process - there's plenty of time for that!

Believe it or not, there will come a day in the not too distant future when you'll be begging them to do this. But a week old is definitely too soon :)

Congratulations Thanks

daytoday · 23/07/2013 19:50

Absolutely normal. In laws only need to see baby. Keep the baby in the room with you. You will feel diff in a few weeks /months.

I love that li

ExitPursuedByABear · 23/07/2013 20:10

Good grief I feel quite faint on your behalf. Drying out bits Shock. Goodness knows what you are going through but demand that baby back. Congratulations. Hope you feel better soon.