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Original poster

To withdraw my son from kindergarden if he hates it?

32 replies

Guerrillacrochet · 23/07/2013 04:52

We've been living abroad for the past 5 months with my job- I'm on a 1 year placement. My DH is looking after the children. My dd is at home all the time (she's 16 months) but we have put my son (3, will be 4 in a few months) in a bilingual kindergarden for 2 days a week. When we were in the UK he was at nursery for a couple of days a week too, so we wanted to give him that consistancy and also help him meet new friends.

The problem is that he says he hates his kindergarden and always cries on days he has to go. He has also started shouting out in his sleep that he doesn't want to go. It's very upsetting.

When he gets to the nursery he is fine and he has a couple of friends, but certainly doesn't like it as much as his nursery in the UK. We've spoken to the staff who have confirmed that he is fine, although he sometimes is a bit bolshi with the rules- I think partly because it is more regimented than the UK and also because he isn't there full-time and doesn't fully get the routine. I also can imagine it is tough for him with those children that don't speak English.

I am wondering about withdrawing him as we've tried for 5 months and he still doesn't like it. I hate the idea that it is on his mind so much he is even upset in his sleep. Sad

But is this a bad idea? Will it teach him that if he kicks off he will get his own way? I suppose the other alternative is trying him full-time to see if he gets into the routine. It would be expensive to do this but we could try.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/07/2013 05:05

He may resent not being at home with dd and dh. Speak to the staff.

bragmatic · 23/07/2013 05:27

I did something similar with my middle child. It wasn't an absolutely necessary part of her education, and I figured she has a whole lot of years in front of her of school, university, etc. I gave it a good go (longer than 5 months, I think), so I took her out. She is now almost 7 and still remembers how much she hated it. As it turned out, she didn't like her teacher (one of 2). She was frightened of her. I remember the teacher and I got on well with her, she seemed ok to me, just very much a no-nonsense pull-your-socks-up kind of teacher. But, for whatever reason my daughter was greatly intimidated by her. Something she was unable to tell me at the time.

aftermay · 23/07/2013 05:28

I'd try a different nursery as well. I imagine its quite full on for your DH as well at home with them both and a different country.

Original poster
Guerrillacrochet · 23/07/2013 10:46

Thanks for the comments. Bragmatic your experience is interesting to hear, thank you. I do worry a lot that it could be a bad experience that he remembers in later years.
I have thought about changing kindergarden, but as we're only here for another 7 months it seems like a lot of upheaval for him learning to settle into a new place only to have to leave again in just over half a year. I think we would have to just quit it and keep in touch with the friends he has made already here. He could then go back to his old nursery in the UK for a few months next year before starting school next September.
My husband would be okay with having both of them, although I know it is tiring being at home with two small kids.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/07/2013 22:38

Tiring at home with two small kids? Yup. So? It's not beyond do-able though is it?

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 22:39

Sorry that's sounded terse. But wth? Is you're job really easy? No, I thought not.

maja00 · 23/07/2013 22:42

I think it's fine for a 3 year old to learn that if he is miserable, his parents won't keep sending him! That's not kicking off and getting his own way. He has a whole lifetime ahead of him to do things he hates, I don't think it's a lesson that needs learning now.

PositiveAttitude · 23/07/2013 22:53

I took DS out of pre-school when he was 3 or 4. We had given it a try, but he did not like it. He settled in school well without a problem and it had no lasting bad affects at all. I feel it made him more secure and definitely he was a happier child on a daily basis, rahter than dreading the days when he should have been going.

Momofthreeloudkids · 23/07/2013 23:12

"He has also started shouting out in his sleep that he doesn't want to go." Op This worries me. Try to get to the bottom of what's going on and why he doesn't like it there. A child just acting out because he'd rather be home wouldn't be having nightmares and shouting in his sleep. I hope it's nothing serious.

CrabbyBigBottom · 23/07/2013 23:26

I'd take him out immediately (but them I HE my DD because she was unhappy at school). He's so little, why on earth should he have to cope with an environment he's unhappy at at such a young age? There are years ahead of him to have to learn to fit with other people and places.

Crumbledwalnuts · 23/07/2013 23:31

Guerrilla it sounds like a very good idea. It won't teach him that if he kicks off he'll get his own way, because he's not kicking off. He's simply unhappy and if you don't listen, no one will. No one else at all. His teachers will get frustrated and think he's naughty and difficult, your husband will think he's just having the toddler twos, everybody will just say you should be firm with him and get him "socialised". Stuff that. Bring him out!

CrabbyBigBottom · 23/07/2013 23:32

But then, not them!

GherkinsAreAce · 23/07/2013 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knackeredmother · 23/07/2013 23:38

Of course you should take him out, poor thing.

SirBoobAlot · 24/07/2013 00:11

He wakes up in the night? Poor little thing. I would take him out immediately. All it will teach him is that when something is wrong, his parents will take care of him.

Original poster
Guerrillacrochet · 24/07/2013 02:55

Thanks for the comments everyone. You are confirming what I feel in my gut. We will take him out. Having a little cry at my desk now thinking of him thinking that no-one listens to him Sad.
I honestly don't think there is anything sinister going on, I think it is because it is more regimented and also tough as most of the kids only speak a little English. He has a very big personaility and gets very frustrated when people don't understand him. He was a big fish at his previous nursery, he'd been there since he was a baby and everyone knew him (and were really loving and affectionate). He still talks about his friends and that he misses them. I know the adjustment to living abroad must be tough for him.
Incidentally my DH is absolutely fine with the idea of taking him out, I just didn't want to sound blase about him having the two of them full time!

OP posts:
deleted203 · 24/07/2013 03:12

Take him out. He hates it and is miserable. Nobody needs to be miserable at the age of 3 by having to go to a place they don't want to be. I took DS3 out of nursery because he didn't like it at the same age. All the others loved going - he wanted to be with me. And I figured that he'd have enough years of education where he HAD to be there to not force him to go when he didn't.

SofiaAmes · 24/07/2013 03:31

I was put in a nursery when we moved when I was 4. I hated it and my mother took me out after a week. It was the only "school" environment I ever complained about ever and I'm very happy that my mother took me out. I still remember vividly what the place looked like and how they treated me and am still 45 years later indignant about it. It's odd because I was always very well behaved in school and never really battled against the rules and I'm still not sure what it was about this place that bothered me so intensely.

ResNulis · 24/07/2013 03:37

I would not hesitate to pull him out.
My DD went to nursery early, on HV advice, as she was very bright and keeping her entertained at home was a real challenge.
Absolute disaster - she did exactly as your son is doing, including the bad dreams.
Pulling her out restored the normal bright happy child she had always been, and she adapted very happily to a new nursery some months later.

As has been said, your child will only learn that his real needs and problems are addressed by you. Learning that to get your own way by 'kicking off' happens when tantrums result in positive rewards ....not when unhappy children are understood.

bragmatic · 24/07/2013 04:41

He'll be fine op. My daughter remembers she didn't like it, and now she is better able to articulate why. She's not traumatised by it though. She wasn't being bullied, or traumatised in any way. That particular place, with that particular teacher, well, it just wasn't for her.

She'll encounter teachers she doesn't like in the future, no doubt. But she'll be old enough to cope. For now, taking him out and having a 7 month stint at home full time is perfectly fine (imo) at this age.

FadedSapphire · 24/07/2013 07:07

I pulled my ds out of a pre school at 2 years old when he still wouldn't settle after 6 weeks. It was making him clingy and unhappy at home too.

When he started the school nursery a few months later all was fine [much to my relief].

insancerre · 24/07/2013 07:27

I would take him out.
I expect the move abroad and the new nursery has just been too much for him to cope with.
I have studied a bit on child development and the bit that worries me is this
He has also started shouting out in his sleep that he doesn't want to go
It really won't do him any damage to take him out, as opposed to leaving him there.

Whitamakafullo · 24/07/2013 09:51

Take him out.

I did similar with my DD, she was at a private nursery which she loved, but when DS started school I had to put them to a childminder instead, so enrolled her in a school nursery (different school from the one DS attended and not the school she would be going to)

She absolutely hated it, would cry every morning and beg not to go. It was totally not her normal behaviour so I took her out. When she eventually started school she was absolutely fine, and I'm glad I made that decision for her.

Original poster
Guerrillacrochet · 25/07/2013 04:35

Hi all
Just to say I went into the nursery to say we would be withdrawing. My DS's teachers were upset and asked if they could do anything, but they understood the reasons. His main teacher got a bit teary-eyed, as did I-he's a really nice guy!
Anyway, DH has now taken DS in to say goodbye. Hopefully DS will be okay now.
Thanks for the support and input.

OP posts:
Crumbledwalnuts · 25/07/2013 09:02

Hi Guerilla, hoep he's fine. It's quite empowering to do something like that sometimes, especially when you see the difference in the child so quickly, and you realise your gut was right. I hope everything turns out well.