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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go into debt even for a good friends hen party

126 replies

Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 20:40

I'm getting married in under two weeks, it's final bill time so the most expensive month. We only booked it at the end of May so not had long to save.

I have a friend who is a bridesmaid, and I am hers, when she gets married in Feb, she's an old school friend but we don't see each other all the time.

She didn't come to my hen do, or help plan it in anyway, but all of a sudden I've had an email saying I have to organise her hen do for October along with the other bridesmaids, apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise. I've tried to explain that It's a very expensive time for me, i still have a mortgage to pay and childcare on top of these wedding bills, but the other bridesmaids seem to be dripping in money because they are picking out huge country cottages and a weekend packed full of activities.

I have about 10 emails a day from them about different venues/prices/activities which is really distracting at work. I have said that I'm feeling skint and basically on a beans on toast diet this month, I need to wait until my next pay to get any money at all.

I'm really proud that we haven't gone into debt for our wedding but now I've been told that I should 'borrow money' to pay for the hen do, and because I've refused to pay until my next pay day, I've been 'reported' to the bride and have had a series of sh*tty texts today asking why I am ruining her happiness!! Would IBU to tell them to stick their hen do? Or should I just smile and get on with it?

OP posts:
myfirstkitchen · 22/07/2013 22:40

Shock At outing you as a 'non payer'. Hit block!!

cantreachmytoes · 22/07/2013 22:40

AndHarry - reply and link to this thread.

Don't go on the hen. Don't pay just because its now on payday.

It's so far away that you can be sure that closer to the hen party there will be additional expenses...

BiscuitDunker · 22/07/2013 22:41

If I were you I'd call her a selfish bitch,uninvite her to your wedding and tell her you're not attending hers either unless she reins in her self-centred "the world revolves around me even though your the one getting married very soon" attitude and gets her other bms to sort their attitudes out too!

Seriously after what you've written about her I can't help but ask why on earth you're even friends with this spoilt brat let alone having her as your bm! She's clearly not even happy about you getting engaged,let alone (having the audacity as she no doubt sees it) to get married before her! Just imagine what she'll be like if you fall pregnant and have a baby before her!!

cantreachmytoes · 22/07/2013 22:41

Meant I agree with AndHarry

MagicHouse · 22/07/2013 22:43

I think I would reply all and calmly say....

Hi all, sorry this is causing you stress. I obviously haven't been clear in saying that I simply cannot afford the hen weekend in October. As you can appreciate it's a really busy (and expensive) time for me right now, so it's best that I pull out. Hope you all have a great time, Chocolate hunter xx

TheSecondComing · 22/07/2013 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/07/2013 22:46

Oh dear, your friend sounds dreadful - totally self absorbed and inconsiderate. Very uncaring. Agree with others - YANBU and you need to be direct with her unfortunately as she's obviously not very sharp.

Congrats on your big day! xxx

QuintessentialOldDear · 22/07/2013 22:49

This woman is not your friend!

I would reply to all and explain you are too busy organizing your own wedding which is in less than two weeks, to even consider organizing or paying for a hen. Then pull out.

alwaysinamuckingfuddle · 22/07/2013 22:49

I'd pull out of this whole debacle pronto. Not everyone has a money tree growing in their garden. What a complete bunch of cows.

I hope you have a fab wedding day! Flowers

cozietoesie · 22/07/2013 22:50

I'd either go with MagicHouse 's tight reply-all response or simply go formal and email the bride to be directly with the information.

They may not all be a bunch of fruitcakes but it looks as if none of them are keeping the bride to be in check.

This is all madness and you would be well shot of it.

QuintessentialOldDear · 22/07/2013 22:50

Your "friend" wont for a moment consider you will pull out, she is just trying to make you focus on HER rather than yourself. Dont let her succeed. Pull out.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 22/07/2013 22:51

Yes, reply to all and say clearly that you need to put the record straight - you are weeks away from your own wedding and can't afford to commit to the kind of money being asked for, and that you don't appreciate being publicly criticised for being short of money. Their behaviour is appalling. Call them on it.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 22/07/2013 22:53

Plus, hen in October for a wedding in Feb is ridiculously early, unless the bride works on a nuclear submarine and will be on ops at all other times.

cozietoesie · 22/07/2013 22:55

Out of interest, I used to live in an area where the formal 'hen night' was a 'present showing' for the bride's female friends. (Tea and sandwiches/cakes with the bride's mother present.) There might (for the racier ones among them) be a night in the pub where the bride didn't have to buy herself a drink - but that was pretty much it.

Your friend is....... words fail me for once.

Original poster
Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 23:02

Thank you for all our kind wishes. Secondcoming my hen party was relatively cheap was because there were 8 of us, we stayed in a big name city centre hotel, but shared 4 to a room £53 pp for 2 nights. I was lucky that everyone knew each other and was comfortable enough to share a double bed with another person.

On the first night we went to a roller disco party £7 entry £4 skate hire. In the day we used the hotel pool/spa for free, watched the tennis and went for a browse around the shops. Second night was a cocktail making class. This was £25pp which was quite expensive but it also included a buffet meal so we didn't need to buy food. Total was £89

OP posts:
Southeastdweller · 22/07/2013 23:06

I'm thinking the same as breathe. Is the hen night going to leave you short before you get paid again in September? Also thinking the atmosphere would be a bit bitchy after a few drinks.

If it were me, I wouldn't go even if I had millions. She's seriously disrespected you so leave her and the other bitches to it.

Whocansay · 22/07/2013 23:08

Well that response ensures that even if you went, you'd be really uncomfortable the whole time you were there as they've clearly been having a good old bitch about you. And you'll be out of pocket.

Reply all and decline. Just tell them you can't afford it right now.

They sound thoroughly nasty. And I would imagine they'll be plenty of extras to pay for...

cozietoesie · 22/07/2013 23:11

OK - I've found some more words.

Chocolate

Answer me one thing.

Do you like her?

Xales · 22/07/2013 23:12

How can you be a non payer when you haven't even agreed to go and the venue hasn't been confirmed.

If it has been confirmed without you you simply say you did not agree to any of this and made it clear you would not be paying.

How much fun or a good time are you going to have with these cows?

You do not know how things will be by Oct.

Reconsider going at all.

CSIJanner · 22/07/2013 23:12

They outed you in a fucking email? Pfffft!

Take the night, then send PrettyBird's reply. Rude.

So is precious bridezilla still going to be bridesmaid after her woeful texts berating you for ruining her happiness spammed your mobile?

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 22/07/2013 23:14

I like MagicHouse's reply.

Do you know any of these 20 people?

nobeer · 22/07/2013 23:16

I think they sound like a right rude bunch!

Here's another suggestion:

Dear hens
As I'm sure some of you know, I have had a lot of expenses for my own wedding, which must take priority as it is happening before X's hen party. As accountants, I'm sure you must appreciate how important it is to avoid getting into debt. Therefore I feel it is only fair to tell you now that I cannot attend X's hen do in October which is out of my budget. If X wishes to have some drinks or a meal closer to the wedding, I will be delighted to organise it.
Best wishes
Chocolate.

Original poster
Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 23:32

I think I am going to sleep on it and reply in the morning, no I don't know these other people although I've met the other bridesmaids before. They seemed like normal people then

Before the engagements my friend was a lovely person. She is normally very considerate and I'm wondering if this bridezilla act is her just feeling that this is her turn to get special treatment, but has lost perspective. I would be more than happy to celebrate with her but I just can't give her everything she wants from me right now. I am hoping that her dp will calm her down a bit soon, I'm sure he can't live with someone this precious for the next 7 months.

OP posts:
AndHarry · 22/07/2013 23:33

Nice email nobeer. Direct and dignified.

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 23:36

Why don't you arrange to meet her and talk about it