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AIBU?

To not go into debt even for a good friends hen party

126 replies

Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 20:40

I'm getting married in under two weeks, it's final bill time so the most expensive month. We only booked it at the end of May so not had long to save.

I have a friend who is a bridesmaid, and I am hers, when she gets married in Feb, she's an old school friend but we don't see each other all the time.

She didn't come to my hen do, or help plan it in anyway, but all of a sudden I've had an email saying I have to organise her hen do for October along with the other bridesmaids, apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise. I've tried to explain that It's a very expensive time for me, i still have a mortgage to pay and childcare on top of these wedding bills, but the other bridesmaids seem to be dripping in money because they are picking out huge country cottages and a weekend packed full of activities.

I have about 10 emails a day from them about different venues/prices/activities which is really distracting at work. I have said that I'm feeling skint and basically on a beans on toast diet this month, I need to wait until my next pay to get any money at all.

I'm really proud that we haven't gone into debt for our wedding but now I've been told that I should 'borrow money' to pay for the hen do, and because I've refused to pay until my next pay day, I've been 'reported' to the bride and have had a series of sh*tty texts today asking why I am ruining her happiness!! Would IBU to tell them to stick their hen do? Or should I just smile and get on with it?

OP posts:

Report

ENormaSnob · 22/07/2013 21:54

She's a twat.

TempusFuckit · 22/07/2013 21:57

I'd also like to know why she didn't come to your hen do. And it's definitely her that's come out with the threatening my happiness line, directly to you? Sorry, not entirely clear.

How old is she?

Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 21:58

She's got 4 bridesmaids (they are all accountants) I'm not. Her mother is paying for the deposit and unless her mother comes forward with anymore money it looks like we have to factor in the rest of her cost.

She was on holidays the weekend of my hen party so had a genuine reason.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 21:59

I would seriously pull out of being BM, she does not sound likea very good friend tbh. How come weddings turn te most sanest of people into irrational knobheads!

cozietoesie · 22/07/2013 22:00

......apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise.......

I can't stop laughing - at her, not at you, OP. You're of sound mind and she's a fruitcake.

Just say NO! One of the great things I've learned as I got older is the power of just saying NO. If it's a real sticky social situation, I might add on an 'It's not convenient' but that's just a might. 9 times out of 10, that will suffice - and the 1 out of 10, I just repeat myself. (You'll find that you feel stronger each time you say it by the way.)

schoolgovernor · 22/07/2013 22:06

Be very careful that nobody books anything up and then come after you for money. Send that email an be specific - "At the moment I am unable to afford any of the options that have been suggested, so if you book anything before I get back in touch after MY wedding please make sure that you don't include me in the numbers."
And incidentally, she's no friend of yours when she knows how hard up you are and still expects you to chip in to pay for her. I must admit, I'd be thinking of ditching this "friend".

cozietoesie · 22/07/2013 22:11

Oh if she was in my book, I'd be tearing out the page. No real friend would behave like that.

Good point about doing it by email and with specifics. Makes a nice audit trail if there's any trouble later. (Get a read receipt if you have the facility or otherwise save any response from her/put something in the email (a trivial detail - about her dress, say) that she's bound to respond to.

Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 22:11

She said in a text that I was threatening her happiness, that I have put her in an awkward position (because her other bridesmaid had to tell on me) and I wasn't being fair on her. I received this as I was standing in my wedding dress having my last alterations. I asked my mother to read out my text, not expecting any comments like this. This is why my mother nearly threw my phone out of the window. She's nearly 30, I've told her that I'm an adult and don't need to be told on, or told how to spend my money.

OP posts:

AndHarry · 22/07/2013 22:13

YANBU and definitely send an email like schoolgovernor's or you will end up 'costing her money'.

MortifiedAdams · 22/07/2013 22:14

Well, if sje doesnt want to.know anything in advance, then you could just NOT go - "well, I tried telling you but you wouldnt listen!"

cozietoesie · 22/07/2013 22:14

If she thinks that you're threatening her happiness, I give that 'happiness' a year and a half at the outside.

Tell her to get stuffed. You don't need self-centred prima donnas like that as friends.

TempusFuckit · 22/07/2013 22:17

Crikey. YADNBU, and she's behaving like a giddy self-centred teenager.

If she's so keen on you going into debt, maybe she should lend you the money. As a 25-year, zero-interest loan?

OddSockMonster · 22/07/2013 22:19

I'd also go down the route of 'don't count me in on anything, I'll be in a position to help/work things out in xx number of weeks.'

Hope you have a lovely wedding.

cozietoesie · 22/07/2013 22:21

Yes - Thanks for reminding me OddSockMonster.

Have a great day yourself OP.

(Forget about the other one.)

Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 22:23

Just received a group email, outing me as a non payer to the whole hen party (over 20 people) but omitting any details so I just look like an awkward person to all these other people. I have been publicly given a deadline to pay in full, but there's progress-it's the date of my next pay!!

Feeling quite annoyed that I've spent my evening getting annoyed when I'd planned to glue some of my df's baby pics to a board for his mum to display at the wedding.

OP posts:

NoComet · 22/07/2013 22:24

she is being utterly and totally unreasonable, my hen do was Chinese takeaway at my parents.

We cancelled going out so my bestfriend could be there, she was on crutches after a very nasty car accident. I was just glad she hadn't be killed, her car was a total wreck.

Chocolatehunter · 22/07/2013 22:28

Oh bless Starball, that sounds like a lovely night-you got to spend it with someone you nearly lost. Even in the circumstances, i bet you spent all night thanking your lucky stars!

I lost my father suddenly and if I could spend my hen do with my parents together again, it would be the best night of my life.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 22:29

Oh my goodness do you reall want this person as a friend, let alone a BM. Her behaviour would be a dealbreaker in a friendship

PuggyMum · 22/07/2013 22:30

What a load of bitches.

I'd be tempted to reply and link this thread now.

AndHarry · 22/07/2013 22:32

Er what? What a horrible, awful thing to do. I'd reply all and decline the 'invitation'.

Viviennemary · 22/07/2013 22:33

Time to call a halt to this nonsense now. They all sound barking mad. I agree with the person who said calm e-mail withdrawing from all this. Just concentrate on your own wedding and have a lovely day.

GreyWhites · 22/07/2013 22:36

Why didn't she come to your hen do?

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prettybird · 22/07/2013 22:39

Leave it over night to calm down

Then compose a very reasonable, polite but sad and disappointed response, copying all in so that the perpetrators are themselves outed and embarrassed

Along the lines of....

"It's been a very busy time for you, what with your own wedding in 2 weeks time and the fact that you've been working to a very tight budget so as not to go into debt. You appreciate the work that the other bridesmaids have been doing looking into options and you are delighted that they have delayed the date for final payment from the one that was initially proposed, as that means you'll have been paid and can go after all/but after careful consideration, you've regretfully had to decide that with all the other expenses you are currently faced with, you'll need to forego the night out*. You do of course hope that everyone has a lovely time and that if someone finds they can't make it closer to the time, you'll see if you can make it."

*Delete as appropriate.

What are the odds that there are other people on that group of 20 who are balking at the cost?

breatheslowly · 22/07/2013 22:39

Don't back down just because it will be payable after your next pay day. Even if you can afford it then, will you be able to get to the end of the month after paying it?

OddSockMonster · 22/07/2013 22:39

I think I'd be hitting the reply all button so that everyone knows why your being slagged off (i.e paying for and enjoying your own wedding, far more important than someone else's hen night), and maybe suggest you help organise something two weeks before her wedding.

That then gives you time to work out if she's gone fruitcake permanently or if this is just a jealous-of-your-wedding wobbly.

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