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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit hurt when friends who are not fat moan about their weight in front of me?

32 replies

VulvaVoom · 22/07/2013 10:43

Over the past week, I've had 2 close friends moaning about how they need to lose weight. One is about 5ft 8ins tall and weighs around 8.5 stone, the other similar height around 10.5 stone.

They both look fine and if you saw them, you would think what a lovely slim (enviable) figure the first one has and the second one looks shapely but not 'fat' at all and looked pretty good in her chinos and tight T shirt the other day.

Clearly they can see what I look like (about 2.5 stone over weight at 5ft 2ins, not good) so I feel ever so slightly insulted when they moan and say they look horrible. Of course my (expected) response to this is 'You don't need to lose anything' and 'You look great' through gritted teeth And then if I say something along the lines of needing to lose weight myself they do the patronising 'Oh but you look lovely!'

Sorry I'm feeling terrible about it today and guess IABU really. Have started 5:2, so onwards and upwards Grin

OP posts:
GobblersKnob · 22/07/2013 10:50

Ummm I dunno, weight issues are hard. I am 5'10" and 11 stone and I do need to lose weight (and I currently am). It's all relative isn't it? If you're not happy with your size then you're not. My sil is about 5'8" and under 8 stone, but hates her tiny belly, I don't mind when she complains about it, perfectly valid if that is how she feels imo.

We all have body insecurities and are also quite often envious of how other people looks, it is easy to think the grass is greener, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 22/07/2013 10:55

Maybe they think you look as good as your friend does in her Chinos & tight T shirt? Most of us are more harsh about ourselves than our friends!

Low carbing has been pretty good for me - some are doing both low carbing and 5:2. Worth considering?

Anyway - I'm sure they don't intend to be hurtful, so try not to take it that way (though I understand why you do).

Whale2Waif · 22/07/2013 10:55

I know that feeling. Best friend 5'9 size 10. Me well I'm 5'6 and an 18 on a great day (which are rare). In my teens I used to put myself down when she did, now in my 20's I have learnt to ask her why she feels the need to lose weight? Has she put a bit on recently? Been drinking more than usual? etc which she responds well to and we chat about that rather than me blurting out 'ha, if you need to slim down I've no chance'.

ceramicunicorn · 22/07/2013 10:56

They may well be saying 'oh but you look lovely' through gritted teeth too. Most women are insecure about their weight to some degree and they obviously don't see your weight as a huge issue or they wouldn't discuss it in front of you.

Don't feel terrible please. Good luck on the 5:2.

QuintessentialOldDear · 22/07/2013 11:00

Are you saying you prefer them to judge you before they voice their own insecurities infront of you?

I have a totally gorgeous friend, who frequently moan about her putting on weight, she is a lot slimmer and fitter than me. She is also super wealthy, and drive a car to die for. She also moans about having to spend silly amounts of money on their holidays (which is 10 times the budget of ours) but I just take that as her being open and honest about her worries and concerns. Not a slight on me, my weigh, my relative "poverty", etc.

bamboobutton · 22/07/2013 11:03

I know how you feel. Dh wears xs everything and is always moaning he has put on an infinatismal amount of weight, meanwhile i have put on 40lbs having kids and have spent 5 unsuccessful years trying to lose it.

I have lost patience with his bellyaching now so just give mildly sarcastic responses when he waffles on about it

Original poster
VulvaVoom · 22/07/2013 11:09

I don't know Quintessential I'd almost rather they didn't mention weight at all because in my heart of hearts, I think they know it's not that bad for them and that if they have the right dress, jeans whatever they will look lovely and slim and feel really confident. I look fat whatever I put on, wide, short and fat.

Maybe they are ceramic but I doubt it, thanks anyway Grin

I used to try hard putting outfits together (even when DD was very small) but now I just think, well, I look fat in it all, so what's the point.

Chipping 5:2 started today, feeling OK about it at them moment as good at not eating too much in the day but a bit worried about this evening!

Gee, I really am on a downer today, sorry.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/07/2013 11:10

I just wish people in general would stop bellyaching over their weight

It becomes very boring after a time

People need to accept their weight or crack on and change it

But for the love of all things holy, stop boring the people around them with it.

Moonstorm · 22/07/2013 11:14

I'm guilty of this. I'm 2 stones over weight, and struggling to get it off. I was moaning to a friend and it was only later that I stopped to think. my friend must easily be 6-7 stones overweight and is massively obese. The thing is,I don't see her in terms of weight. I talk to her as any friend and I don't think about her size.

It's thoughtless, but it might not even occur to them to think about you weight.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2013 11:19

But what difference does it make what size your friend is Moonstorm?

It doesn't change the fact that you want to lose weight from your own body.

There seems to be this strange thing lately (on the other weight thread too) that if you're smaller than other people, you must never mention that you want to lose weight.

It's getting silly.

SaucyJack · 22/07/2013 11:30

Yeah, YABU but you know this.

You may well be a bit overweight, but this is your issue and the world still goes on for other people. It's daft to feel hurt by how someone feels about their own backside.

Best of luck with the fasting.

Purple2012 · 22/07/2013 11:32

I have a friend who is tiny, she must be a size 4 at most. She still wants to lose weight and trains excessively. She has major body issues and suffers with anorexia and bulimia. I am the only friend she has that understands her problems and doesn't judge her. I am a size 14-16 and do need to lose weight. Her issues are no less real than mine. We both have issues with food, they are just different.

I would rather be like me and be able to afford to lose weight than her. I worry about her and how far she will go with this. Its a lot healthier to be like me than her.

BetterToLaugh · 22/07/2013 11:37

YANBU to feel like it, as long as you're not saying it to them. I know that I have a friend who is about 5?7 and classed as overweight,but in a bikini top her stomach is flat with no stretch marks, she's is just 'big'.

I am 5?5 and size 8 but my stomach is awful and pale and flabby, literally looks like bread dough. I refer to it as 'fat' but I suppose it's flabby/untoned.

What I'm trying to say is, although my friend is the one who in medical terms is classed as overweight/fat, it doesn't stop me as a slim person having insecurities and areas that I consider fat.

CloudsAndTrees · 22/07/2013 11:40

Yabu. Even people who are reasonably slim need to watch their weight and can gain more weight than they are comfortable carrying. If your clothes are getting tight and you aren't comfortable, then it doesn't matter if you are a size ten or a size twenty, you will still want to lose weight to fit into your clothes.

Your friends are talking about themselves, and you are making it about you.

lljkk · 22/07/2013 11:46

Sadly am with Worral on this. Just... you're more than your body size or shape. It shouldn't be so important that it preys on your mind like that. not wanting to pick on OP, just am annoyed with a culture/society that makes it socially acceptable and expected even that women dwell so much on how they look.

Potteresque97 · 22/07/2013 11:53

I often do that or say something about most people wanting to lose 10 lb when I'm trying to be sympathetic. It could also be that they are trying to empathize and show they aren't judging you. I think yabu, you should suggest going to the gym together, doing something positive with your friends.

whyno · 22/07/2013 11:53

I think I know what you mean.

I'm obviously a bit porky and when my skinny friends moan about how awful and fat they look, I can't help thinking they must be really judging me.

Sort of 'if you think 4 lbs overweight is that ugly and matters that much, what must you be secretly thinking about my extra couple of stone?'

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2013 11:58

But whyno they're talking about their own bodies not yours.

Yes they may well find fat ugly, that's why they want to take care of their weight.

But that doesn't mean they're judging you, your weight probably doesn't even enter their minds.

nenevomito · 22/07/2013 12:00

I've yet to meet someone who is really happy with their body.
I've lost over 3st, but when I look in a mirror, in my eyes I still look as overweight as I was then.
They're not thinking you're overweight - they're just not satisfied with how they look.

nenevomito · 22/07/2013 12:01

Think about it - if you met someone more overweight than you. You would still say that you needed to lose weight. It would be no reflection on them at all.

freddiefrog · 22/07/2013 12:04

I used to be able to eat anything and everything and not gain any weight, but this last year or so, I've crept up a dress size and I would like to tone up my upper arms and thighs. I'm not over weight by any stretch of the imagination but I'm conscious of my wobbly arms and thighs.

Recently, some friends and I were chatting about joining the gym, a couple of people recommended the gym they go, and I was immedately jumped on by some of the group who are bigger than me that I was skinny, should be grateful for being slim, men like women with a bit of meat on their bones Hmm etc, etc.

I wasn't moaning that I was fat, or that I thought they were fat, just that I'd like to tone up and that I can't eat my own body weight in cake in one sitting anymore. It was just general chit chat

GeorgianMumto5 · 22/07/2013 12:05

YANBU. I have done this, more than once. It has taken me a long time to learn that this is not on and I need to stfu.

I think they are most probably ignoring your weight and just seeing you as a friend, to the point where they forget that you ate larger than they are. This is what I do. It's still insensitive though.

GeorgianMumto5 · 22/07/2013 12:06

I'm so sorry. 'To the point where they forget you ARE larger than they are.' Not 'ate'. I'm really sorry.

BlingBang · 22/07/2013 12:08

As others said just because someone is slimmer than you doesn't mean they are happy with their body or any weight gain etc. I don't care how my friends look and always try and be supportive, but I only care about my own weight issues.

specialsubject · 22/07/2013 12:17

at their sizes they are clearly not overweight. So they are one of a) stupid, b) whining attention-seekers or c) anorexic.

none of these should make you feel hurt or offended. But you might want to find some more interesting friends if the reasons are a) or b), and if c) suggest they get help.

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