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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

help with her dad: leaving her in the dark with closed door to sleep

31 replies

DoctorMcPino · 21/07/2013 21:44

Hi there,
Do you know any organization or charity that can help with my partner about dealing with sleeping issues or general tasks? After dinner, my 2 years old goes to bath with her dad, then a bottle and a book, he stayed with her in her room until she is slept, but all this routine is a battle of shouts and whatever every single night. He doesn't listen to me that leaving her in the dark is scary for her because she refuses to go to bed, or say to her that he is leaving because she is silly and knotty. Don't take me wrong he is a good dad and helps a lot, but when this things happens I don't have any valid reasons to explain to him, he won't listen to me, may be someone with authority or similar can say all things to him. The other day he took her in his lap and sat in a stool to do a juice, so cutting the fruit with a knife, she moved or felt and by accident he cut very little and very light her arm, I know it was an accident, he won't do any thing like that on purpose, but He won't believe or won't listen. I'll contact our lovely heath visitor and see if she can help us. Please let me know if you know where I can get help with these problems, something like organizations or courses for dads or books for dads. Many thanks.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 21/07/2013 22:02

You guys obviously have different ideas about bedtime routines which is not good for her. So you need to sit down and reach a compromise. I can see where you are both coming from although I happen to believe that kids do need to learn to sleep on their own. Could you get her a nightlight so its not completely dark or maybe leave the door open and a hall light on?

As for the cut incident I am sure he would have been mortified and am betting that by accident every parent has hurt their child in one way or another. It's unfortunate but its normal.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/07/2013 22:08

The first bit just sound like you have different views on how your DD should go sleep.
The second was an accident.
Not really an nspscc issue.
Compromise.
Unless there's more to it?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/07/2013 22:10

btw, my 2 old DD sleeps in the dark with closed door. I think it helps because it means she can sleep anywhere.

MortifiedAdams · 21/07/2013 22:12

ehhh? dd has always slept in the dark with the lights off.

Parietal · 21/07/2013 22:14

2 yr old should be able to go to sleep in a dark room (with nightlight) on her own. Thy have no need to be scared of the dark unless someone has told them it is scary. Which it isn't.

KobayashiMaru · 21/07/2013 22:15

I think you should leave him to it, I can't see what he's done wrong.

ilovepowerhoop · 21/07/2013 22:18

both mine go to sleep in the dark with the door closed although they do have a nightlight each. I also wouldnt stay in the room until they go to sleep as they would settle to sleep by themselves.

Maryann1975 · 21/07/2013 22:22

No one has told my 2 year old the dark is scary. She has figured it out by herself. We have to leave the landing light on all night for her. She had a sleepover at gp last night. We turned the light off, it was bliss!
I don't understand why he wants her to be upset every night though. We found it was easier for dd and us if we just went with it and left the light on. I guess he was brought up having his door shut at bedtime, so believes that is the right way to do things. Can you not do the actual putting to bed bit after he baths her and gets h ready for bed?

LunaticFringe · 21/07/2013 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklysilversequins · 21/07/2013 22:39

If she's scared she's scared and my child would be having that door open if that is what's needed.

All you whose two year olds DO sleep in a dark room, so what? As we're often told on here all kids are different and develop differently. I would have very little time for someone who is happy to leave a small child alone crying and frightened in the dark.

I don't know of any evidence to back up why he shouldn't be doing this except that as a decent parent he shouldn't be trying to force his will on her. My dsis is still scared of the dark in her thirties because of this kind of hard line parenting. She's little for such a short space of time so what if she wants the door open and to hear hear parents moving around as she falls asleep. This thread has made me .

Sparklysilversequins · 21/07/2013 22:42

And why has no one mentioned the cutting of her arm. Is it at ALL sensible to be holding a wriggly toddler while using a sharp knife? He sounds like he prefers getting his own way than to actually sympathetically parenting his TWO year old.

BurningBridges · 21/07/2013 22:49

Doctor are there other things you want to tell us? Is something worrying you? Is DD's dad the sort of person who wants to get their own way regardless of consequences?

Pigsmummy · 21/07/2013 22:54

I put my 9 month old in a dark room with the door closed every night so I am also confused. What is it that is worrying you?

TrinityRhino · 21/07/2013 23:29

my 6 and 8 year old like to have the door open so they landing light shines in a little

I turn it off when I go to bed

maybe the op feels that her dd would benefit from the door open or a nightlight to help with a more settled bedtime routine as she appears to not like what is going on at the moment (her dd I mean)

Tittypulumpcious · 21/07/2013 23:35

My 10 yr old dsd has a string of lights that say 'sweet dreams' in her room which we leave on for her all night.

The landing light stays on until we go to bed then we turn them off. If she's scared then she's scared and it shouldn't be ignored I don't think.

IneedAyoniNickname · 21/07/2013 23:39

TrinityRhino

my 6 and 8 year old like to have the door open so they landing light shines in a little

I turn it off when I go to bed

I do the same as Trinity, and my dc are the same ages. Ds1 has always been scared of the dark. So is ds2, although it could be learnt behaviour in his case.

OP you and your dp need to agree on a bedtime routine and technique regarding lights.

And the cutting was an accident. I'd let it slide (provided he has learnt from it)

SquinkiesRule · 22/07/2013 03:52

Only one of my three would go to sleep in the dark with the door closed. For the other two it would have been traumatizing. Don't do it to her, she will grow out of needing a night light or the hall door open a bit with the landing light on.
Going to sleep is supposed to make you feel safe, it's supposed to feel soft and wonderful, not scary.
As for the knife incident, it sounds like a proper accident I'd forget it.

Secretswitch · 22/07/2013 04:05

It's upsetting, isn't it DoctorMcPino, to feel that your toddler is frightened!
Your baby girl is not being naughty, she is trying to let her parents know something is scaring her. I would have a word with your HV. It sounds like you trust her. Perhaps she can think of ways to help your dh understand that sometimes flexibility is necessary in parenting.
Accidents do happen even with the most careful of parents. Toddlers are little ninjas, they are fast moving creatures. Although, I would not ever try to use a sharp knife with a squirmy child on my lap.
Please do not be offended, but I also wonder if maybe you have some other anxieties regarding your dh? Please excuse me if I am incorrect..

RedHelenB · 22/07/2013 06:41

Doors actually should be closed as a precaution against fire BUT this could be done after she has gone to sleep & of course she should have a night light if she needs one. My ds has one aged 6!

littlewhitebag · 22/07/2013 07:23

Both my children sleep with the light on. They are age 15 and 20 years! Leaving a night light on is fine. As forth knife incident. Accidents happen. Tots move at the speed of light sometimes. You learn and move on. You and you OH need to sit down and chat about the bedtime routine. Instead if coming on here. I don't think he needs books or help.

TwasBrillig · 22/07/2013 07:29

I've never closed the door. Means they can go to the toilet at night or come into us if need be. We've never had a monitor so we leave the door open to hear if they wake.

We have a dimmer switch so sometimes leave it on low if they ask or hallway light.

It seems cruel to insist on dark and door shut if its not working for her and she's scared.

curlew · 22/07/2013 07:37

The OP said that the routine is a "battle of shouts and whatever" every single night.

Did all the "leave him to it" posters read that bit?

hardboiledpossum · 22/07/2013 09:11

Lots of posters seem to be missing the point. If your child is happy to go to sleep in the dark with their door closed that's great but the OP a child finds this distressing and to force a child to sleep like this when they are scared is cruel.

SilverOldie · 22/07/2013 09:43

I have never been able to sleep in the dark since being a child. Even now in my 60s, my curtains are open, door open and the landing light is on. I have tried sleeping in the dark but end up with screaming nightmares every time.

So I don't see why your poor child should have to suffer. Tell your husband that lots of children/adults hate sleeping in the dark, show him this thread.

PurpleRayne · 22/07/2013 10:09

She's two. He is being cruel.

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