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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to handle this 'friend'?

46 replies

weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:01

I put friend in inverted commas as although she thinks we are friends I don't think she behaves like a friend...

My DD is 5 and is in reception and is best friends with this woman's DD. The woman is very keen to be friends and is always texting, phoning and wanting to meet up with me, however I think she is jealous. She often makes comments about DD or I that are said as though she is speaking in jest or being nice, but they actually have a sting in the tail. She can never be happy for me, always has to put a downer on everything I do or that DD does, such as nasty comments about DD's reading levels (DD is doing well, this woman managed to wheedle out of me which level book DD is on, then made some comment about intelligence having nothing to do with reading levels anyway).

Most irritatingly though, is her ability to butt in on conversations, whoever I am speaking to, ask them loud questions and put her back to me, and totally turf me out of the conversation. She is a very loud person. I'm not super-quiet but equally I am not mouthy. And of course people do tend to take notice of whoever shouts the loudest. So any conversation I am having with the person gets stopped and her conversation takes over. So I move on, speak to someone else, and she will do it again, and again, and again. I've spent the afternoon at a party and she was there, and she did it to me all afternoon, for over 2 hours. Whoever I spoke to, she followed me and took over. It was at a soft play centre and I saw a friend of mine there who wasn't with the party and even when I went and spoke to her this woman came and took over (even though she had never met my friend before). She has this funny little skill of engineering her position so that her back is to me and so that I am excluded. This afternoon I was sat on a sofa with my friend and this woman came along, plonked herself between us, and turned herself so that her back was to me.

I know technically I should say 'Excuse me, X and I were talking' but I really don't want any confrontation as I know if I fall out with this woman she is the type to slag me off to others and divide and conquer a bit (she has done this to someone else).

Any tips on letting things drift with her even though our DCs are best friends? Am I doing the right thing in walking off when she takes over conversations.

OP posts:
babyhmummy01 · 21/07/2013 17:03

Tell her to bog off and butt out might be the only way unfortunately

BloggingAboutTediousThings · 21/07/2013 17:04

She sounds very insecure. Ask yourself if it is worth having this 'friend' and if not don't bother anymore. Life is too short.

Original poster
weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:04

I know what you mean babyhmummy and I am thinking the same thing but I am so keen to avoid any confrontation if possible. I really can't be bothered with it especially as DD and her DD have another 6 years at school together.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 21/07/2013 17:08

Just tell her how rude she is being.

ChuffMuffin · 21/07/2013 17:09

Oh dear. I think we've all had at least one "friend" like this!

Best thing to do imo, and especially as you know she's not really a friend, is limit all interaction with her to only what is necessary, while being polite of course. Did you go to the soft play together, or did you bump in to her there?

And if she does slag you off.. who cares? She sounds like bloody hard work and I'm sure everyone else knows she is too! Grin. Trust me people will notice her dominating conversations etc, she's probably done the same to them in the past!

MalcolmTuckersMum · 21/07/2013 17:09

It's only because you are unwilling to confront that she does this. People like her can sense when someone else is non-confrontational and then home in on them to practice their bad behaviour because they know they won't get pulled up on it.

If you keep non-confronting she'll keep doing. You really would only have to do it once you know.

bookforgoddaughter · 21/07/2013 17:15

Be careful. She is a potential Wendy.

mermaid101 · 21/07/2013 17:16

I know exactly what you mean! I know someone like this too. What I have found quite effective is not to leave the conversation she has "hijacked" and just sit quietly where you. Usually the other person will re include you fairly quickly and she'll end up looking a bit foolish.

It can feel a bit awkward, but I think it highlights that she is behaving badly.

BelleJolie · 21/07/2013 17:16

You could walk off. Or, you could make a 'light-hearted joke' about her interrupting you / standing with her back to you. I would make suggestions but am not very witty or good at this sort of thing myself!

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle · 21/07/2013 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:23

I have a feeling that if I said anything to her she would act all wounded and as if it was me being the unreasonable one

OP posts:
Peachyjustpeachy · 21/07/2013 17:27

Does she realise she's doing it? Is it not a backward was of complimenting you...ie she's got my back and won't stab me in it?

I'd keep tapping her, like dcs do so that she is physically reminded that you are there

Original poster
weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:44

No I think she's definitely doing it out of spite, Peachy

OP posts:
ChuffMuffin · 21/07/2013 17:51

weightwatchers that's why I suggested keeping it all polite but minimal.. she can't accuse you of being rude that way.

bookforgoddaughter That's the first thing I thought when I read this, bloody Wendys! Angry

WhoNickedMyName · 21/07/2013 17:53

She's definitely a Wendy.

Pubicfoothair · 21/07/2013 17:54

She sounds rather obsessed with you if she'll do this for hours on end like at the softplay place.

Original poster
weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:56

DH keeps saying he thinks she's obsessed by me, Pubic. She gives me lots of compliments but then lots of backhanded compliments and comments too. And she never gives up on the following thing. It was literally every person I spoke to today at the party. I'd walk off, speak to another person and sure enough within 5 or 10 minutes each time she would be there too.

OP posts:
Original poster
weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:56

She's very spoilt by her parents and behaves in a spoilt brat manner, not sure if that has any bearing on it or not but thought I'd mention that too!

OP posts:
Pubicfoothair · 21/07/2013 17:58

I wonder what would happen if you 'named the elephant in the room' and talked openly about it, in an observational rather than confrontational way?

Original poster
weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:59

I think no matter how nice I was about it she'd go off on one and make herself into a victim and it would turn into a feud....

OP posts:
bookforgoddaughter · 21/07/2013 18:01

Really, it is starting to scream Wendy

Pubicfoothair · 21/07/2013 18:02

I think that's how it'll go anyway so you may as well get the first punch in.

(And being a cow I am, I'd privately "ask advice" from your other friends "I don't know what to do about Wendy, she does this funny thing and I like her a lot so I don't want to upset her but what do you think I should do?Wink"

That way you've alerted them to her weirdness first, so she'll look an idiot when she starts feuding.

Pubicfoothair · 21/07/2013 18:03

Wendy her at her own game.

BeetleBugBaby · 21/07/2013 18:08

Wendy? Who is Wendy?

xylem8 · 21/07/2013 18:13

what is a wendy?

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