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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to handle this 'friend'?

46 replies

weightwatcherscheese · 21/07/2013 17:01

I put friend in inverted commas as although she thinks we are friends I don't think she behaves like a friend...

My DD is 5 and is in reception and is best friends with this woman's DD. The woman is very keen to be friends and is always texting, phoning and wanting to meet up with me, however I think she is jealous. She often makes comments about DD or I that are said as though she is speaking in jest or being nice, but they actually have a sting in the tail. She can never be happy for me, always has to put a downer on everything I do or that DD does, such as nasty comments about DD's reading levels (DD is doing well, this woman managed to wheedle out of me which level book DD is on, then made some comment about intelligence having nothing to do with reading levels anyway).

Most irritatingly though, is her ability to butt in on conversations, whoever I am speaking to, ask them loud questions and put her back to me, and totally turf me out of the conversation. She is a very loud person. I'm not super-quiet but equally I am not mouthy. And of course people do tend to take notice of whoever shouts the loudest. So any conversation I am having with the person gets stopped and her conversation takes over. So I move on, speak to someone else, and she will do it again, and again, and again. I've spent the afternoon at a party and she was there, and she did it to me all afternoon, for over 2 hours. Whoever I spoke to, she followed me and took over. It was at a soft play centre and I saw a friend of mine there who wasn't with the party and even when I went and spoke to her this woman came and took over (even though she had never met my friend before). She has this funny little skill of engineering her position so that her back is to me and so that I am excluded. This afternoon I was sat on a sofa with my friend and this woman came along, plonked herself between us, and turned herself so that her back was to me.

I know technically I should say 'Excuse me, X and I were talking' but I really don't want any confrontation as I know if I fall out with this woman she is the type to slag me off to others and divide and conquer a bit (she has done this to someone else).

Any tips on letting things drift with her even though our DCs are best friends? Am I doing the right thing in walking off when she takes over conversations.

OP posts:

bearleftmonkeyright · 21/07/2013 18:19

I only know this from another thread, Wendy is a character from s Judy blume book who displays all the attributes of the op s "friend".

bearleftmonkeyright · 21/07/2013 18:27

I too am quite rubbish at confronting a Wendy. I have one in my life at the moment. It depends if the confrontation would end the "wendyness". It can be quite difficult especially if you live in a small community. You don't want to upset your other friends. But unfortunately, the Wendy understands your dilemma and plays on it.

Pubicfoothair · 21/07/2013 18:38

Wendys are social bullies and manipulative with it. I'm not sure the OP's woman is a Wendy as she doesn't sound subtle enough but she certainly sounds like a weirdo.

CeliaFate · 21/07/2013 18:38

I'd tap her on the shoulder and ask her to move please. When she follows you, laugh and beam, "Oh it's my shadow, hahahahaha." in a similar pass/agg vein.
If she says something, stare at her and say, "what do you mean by that? It sounds as though you're insulting my xyz."
If she butts in, when she's finished say, "As I was saying," then continue your conversation. She sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Pubicfoothair · 21/07/2013 18:40

She might just be socially bloody awful rather than evil a la Wendy. OP what are her other friends and interactions like?

mrstigs · 21/07/2013 18:41

I'd handle it like pubicfoothair. Speak to the rest of the mums 'in confidence', say how you have noticed her doing this over and over and you don't know what to do as you don't want to upset her but it makes you really hurt and worried about socialising with everyone.
They should then notice it when you are all out together and feel sorry for you. If they are at all reasonable they will make sure to reinclude you straight away when she does it, making her look a fool. She'll get bored pretty quick quick and drop it, and how can she possibly call victim then without acknowledging what she's doing in the first place!

LookMaw · 21/07/2013 18:42

She sounds like a total Wendy.

RenterNomad · 21/07/2013 19:49

Yes, it sounds as though you need to "set her up" with some friends primed not to be stolen by her.

Really, though, this is incredibly rude, and if you just role play it a bit with your allies, you should be able to do something to reflect this back to her. It needs moral preparation, but no-one's going to actually agree/side with her!

SueDoku · 21/07/2013 19:51

Definitely a Wendy - she hasn't honed her skills yet, but is beginning the 'evicting you from your own life' process...

OP, try talking to her at the next gathering that you both attend - if she just ignores you, or walks away, there's your proof of Wendydom

weisswusrt · 21/07/2013 19:54

Stand behind her making faces and bunny ears, she will soon be too paranoid to ever turn her back on you.

Inclusionist · 21/07/2013 20:04

I really need to know which book the Wendy is in as I think I've been had by one!

Pubicfoothair · 21/07/2013 21:52

Inclusionist, share your Wendy story!

Inclusionist · 22/07/2013 07:36

Close 'friend', also my line manager at our workplace where the team had become like family over several years. Gradually started to cut me out of my own social circle, eventually using more and more extreme measures.

By the end she was painting a picture of me being mentally unstable and bullying HER!

Fortunately none of our mutual friends bought it. I did have to leave my job though!! She was always very careful that is wasn't 'about work' so I couldn't get her for constructive dismissal- she just made it too socially uncomfortable.

Wendy??

Pubicfoothair · 22/07/2013 09:00

That's a Wendy to the core. Evil, and very twisted!

Pubicfoothair · 22/07/2013 09:03

I don't think the Wendy reference was a Judy Bloom thing, it was just a name picked by a poster when she shared the story of one of her school-mum friends behaving in this way, and suddenly loads of other people popped up to say the same thing had happened to them.
It's vile to see and they can be subtle and charming so they're not always easy to spot, but the fallout can be catastrophic.

quesadilla · 22/07/2013 09:08

I am a big fan of passive aggression/ignoring as a solution to these problems.

People like this are inevitably insecure and looking for a reaction. Give them one and they will think they have hot one over on you.

I have a 'friend' like this who has a compulsive need to show what a social butterfly she is. You can't ever just meet her on a one on one basis because she has to rope in anyone she even vaguely knows to feed her ego about being Miss Popular.

The one time I ever pulled her up on it she accused me of being jealous as I wasn't as popular as her. You can't win with people like this as they see everything through the prism of themself.

I would just gradually back off, let it happen in a way so as not to cause problems with your dds and just ignore, ignore, ignore.

Original poster

weightwatcherscheese · 22/07/2013 09:48

I think the passive aggressive way is going to be the way I'm going to have to go, quesadilla.

I've been thinking about it overnight and I truly don't think I will ever achieve anything by tackling her, or even mentioning it in a jokey way. She knows exactly what she's doing but I think she is also very clever in how she does things and how she portrays herself to some people. I think any tackling would result in her creating a massive falling out and then it would be detrimental to DD's friendship with her DD (I am thinking things such as her not letting her DD invite my DD to parties, that kind of thing). I've seen her do this to someone she has fallen out with before.

I agree she is definitely a Wendy, but I'm glad I've realised this before I've let her become a close friend or get close to me in any way. I think it'll be easier to step away from her now than it would be in, say, 2 years' time.

OP posts:

Original poster

weightwatcherscheese · 22/07/2013 11:30

She's just phoned me and asked if I want to meet up tomorrow with the DDs. I've said no, we've got a busy week so we can't meet up this week at all.....

OP posts:

LookMaw · 22/07/2013 12:17

I personally would just create a lot of distance between you both. Be quite cold with her if you happen to bump into each other and keep making excuses. Make plans with the other mums you get on with and don't even mention or include her. I'm very much in the "if you ignore it, it will go away" camp.

Your DD's can still spend time together, just try and make excuses as to why one of you only needs to be present.

Inclusionist · 22/07/2013 16:51

I will now and forever more think of my ex-friend as a Wendigo !!

If the cap fits...

Pubicfoothair · 22/07/2013 16:52

Uncanny!

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