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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have not bought a card/present

40 replies

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:10

My bloody XH again, after many years apart he still manages to make me feel unreasonable.
Its a long back story, on here many years ago. But the upshot is we are now divorced and free of him. I have 2 DD's with him, he has another DD who is 5 months older than my DD2.
He texts me to ask if DD2 could come to his other DD's party. I say of course, he says he'll pick her up at 10. Great.
He then texts the day before asking if I have got a card and present, am a bit taken back as it hadn't occurred to me he wouldnt do it (it should have because this is usual for him). I reply politely no I assumed he would. I have nothing to do with his other DD and no idea what she likes, nor can I see it is my responsibility.
He is now behaving like I am a terrible person (again not unusual), and as always has me wondering if perhaps I wasn't being unreasonable and should have just done it?

OP posts:

thatstoast · 21/07/2013 15:12

If it's not his responsibility then it's definitely not yours. YANBU.

Floralnomad · 21/07/2013 15:12

No ,he is being ridiculous .

NatashaBee · 21/07/2013 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JackieTheFart · 21/07/2013 15:13

YANBU, but if it were me, to keep the peace I would probably have got a card.

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2013 15:14

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable really.

If my DC were being picked up and taken to a party, I'd have popped a fiver in a card.

But as it's her sister's party, I'm not sure now I come to think of it?

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:15

TBH by the time he texted me, I didn't have time to get one, I was on a long day in work, and by the time I was finished and got DD2, no one felt like shopping or making anything. It would be nice to think he was just checking, sadly I suspect it was his way of "telling" me to do it.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 21/07/2013 15:17

I Would have assumed he had sorted the card etc.

What with them both being his DDs.

squoosh · 21/07/2013 15:18

I think I would have said 'will you sort out card and gift please' just to ensure there wouldn't be an awkward situation of DD turning up without anything to give her sister.

But it definitely doesn't make you a terrible person. He's overreacting.

Justforlaughs · 21/07/2013 15:19

I've never not sent a present/ money in a card, but then my DCs don't have this situation so afraid that I haven't really thought about it. Sorry, but I'm on the fence. My gut instinct is the same as worraliberty

squoosh · 21/07/2013 15:20

But as Worra says siblings don't give each other presents when attending each other's parties do they??

Unless they don't see each other that often I suppose.

MissStrawberry · 21/07/2013 15:20

YANBU to buy your ex husband's daughter a present.

It may have been nice to send a card as she is your daughter's sister but that is the only reason, not just because your ex wants his child to have another gift.

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:29

It interesting to see the replies of those without the benefit of the back story and knowledge of my very unreasonable, abusive XH. And I agree if this was a civil breakup with a normal person, then getting card and present would be ummm normal.
But this is still not a normal situation. This DD (half sister) was born 5 months before my DD2. While my XH was having an affair, treating me like shit, playing me (and the OW I suspect), and basically acting like everything was my fault, the OW behaved pretty poorly at the time too.
So all these things do impact on how I behave, even though I (and my DD's have happily moved on).
I have very little to do with XH, nothing with OW or her DD. My DD's see her DD, they go to the same school, but don't have a close relationship with her.
I guess a little of both IABU and IANBU.

OP posts:

LeoTheLateBloomer · 21/07/2013 15:33

I don't think YABU. IME exes just don't get it. After years of buying all presents and cards for my ex's family I had to spell it out really clearly to him that if it's to do with his family, he's resposible for it, not me.

Dumbledoresgirl · 21/07/2013 15:35

But if your dd is invited to a school friend's party, presumably you buy a present or put money in a card?

I can understand why you didn't, and it, in my mind, it would make more sense if your X had bought something for your dd to give to her half sister, but I don't think the situation is quite as black and white as some make out.

aldiwhore · 21/07/2013 15:38

On the fence also.

The only way I can look at it is this:

If my child gets invited to a party then I buy a present and a card. YABU for not doing so simply because the birthday girl is your ex-DH's.

Your Ex is BU because it's his DD too, so should also be thinking about buying a gift from one, to the other.

The back story is not relevant with regards to the bare bones of the opening post.

The back story is very relevant if you lived through it.

For ease of life in general, I would probably have bought a gift and card PURELY because that's the routine with any other party.

Sounds like you've been through the mill, I guess it's okay to BU!

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:42

No its not is it.
So yes for a school friend with an invite, that I took her to, of course I would get a present.
For my other DD1, her sister (ie MY DD), of course I get a present.
For her other sister (ie NOT my DD, but XH's DD), I expect him to get the present, especially with the history.
But its not simple, especially as I still get the girls cards/presents for their grampy (XH's father), but only because he's quite sweet and tries very hard to see them despite XH and a difficult relationship with me.

OP posts:

Xihha · 21/07/2013 15:43

Id have asked my dc if they wanted to go get her a card/present the same as i would do if dc was going to a friends party, after all its not the child's fault that your ex is an arse. I'd only do this coz i know it would upset my ds to be the only kid at the party who hadn't bought a present tough, and it would be a cheap token present.

Floralnomad · 21/07/2013 15:44

Its not the same as buying a present for a school friend though as I'm assuming that this child would not have invited your daughter as a 'friend' and that the only reason she is going to the party is because she is the child's sister and the dad is taking her . Incidentally why did the older sister not go as well ? I'm also assuming from your posts that had the invite come directly from the ow to you ( for your daughter) that you possibly wouldn't have gone .

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:46

And actually I feel quite sorry for his DD, she loves my girls, but neither of them seem too bothered about her, and are quite pleased when they get to see their father alone.
It will always be a mess, purely because of the nature of both of their births, but is neither of the children's faults.
It honestly didn't occur to me he would expect me to do it, and I have no idea at all what she likes, so would have to be pretty bland or get DD2 to ask her. (they are both 5/6 BTW)

OP posts:

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:47

Older DD1 is 12, so wouldnt go to a 6yr olds party, wouldnt come to my DD2's TBH. But she also doesnt see her dad so wouldnt go anyway.
OW doesnt communicate with me at all.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/07/2013 15:48

If a party is attended at the request of or during the time the nrp has the child then it is there responsibility of the nrp to obtain gifts ect if its at the request of the pwc and during their time then the pwc does the gift.

Your ex asked to have the dc so he could have her at the party so he should have sorted the gift.

SJisontheway · 21/07/2013 15:52

YADNBU. No fence sitting here. He wanted to bring your dd to his dds party. Surely it was entirely his responsibility to sort out a present. If you were dropping her off and for some reason he wasn't attending, perhaps a present would be a reasonable expectation. But as he was bringing her to the party I have no idea why he would think you would be sorting the gift. Especially give the history. He soundslike a dick.

Floralnomad · 21/07/2013 15:53

I'm being really nosey now but does your ex now live with this woman and child ?

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:56

TBH I'm not entirely sure, he has a flat and she has a flat (I think), but they may spend mostly time in his flat. Though according to my DD's, his other DD's main bedroom is at her mother's flat. Who knows, who cares, luckily me no longer

OP posts:

crazykat · 21/07/2013 15:57

YANBU. I wouldn't expect DSDs mum to buy my DCs a present when she comes to their party, its my and DHs responsibility. Though TBH we don't usually get presents from one DC to the other, just presents from all of us.

Your situation is a bit different as I'm assuming neither your DD or her half sister live with your ex but its still up to him to get her something.

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