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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have not bought a card/present

40 replies

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 15:10

My bloody XH again, after many years apart he still manages to make me feel unreasonable.
Its a long back story, on here many years ago. But the upshot is we are now divorced and free of him. I have 2 DD's with him, he has another DD who is 5 months older than my DD2.
He texts me to ask if DD2 could come to his other DD's party. I say of course, he says he'll pick her up at 10. Great.
He then texts the day before asking if I have got a card and present, am a bit taken back as it hadn't occurred to me he wouldnt do it (it should have because this is usual for him). I reply politely no I assumed he would. I have nothing to do with his other DD and no idea what she likes, nor can I see it is my responsibility.
He is now behaving like I am a terrible person (again not unusual), and as always has me wondering if perhaps I wasn't being unreasonable and should have just done it?

OP posts:

Xihha · 21/07/2013 16:00

Sorry, I should of said I do think he should have sorted the present himself but from what you've said he doesn't sound like the kind of parent who would bother and i wouldn't want my dc to feel awkward.

My brothers mum used to make sure she got me birthday presents for the same reason, even though my mum was the OW who broke up their marriage. big bro and I had quite a complicated relationship when we were kids, especially as dad lived with me which big bro hated, but it got easier as we got older, hopefully it will for your dd's too.

Inertia · 21/07/2013 16:04

YANBU. Not only is the party for your DD's sister - your husband is equally your DD's parent. It's not a case of his child inviting your (as in your singular ) child to a party- your DD is his child too. He carries just as much responsibility for doing the parenting chores as you , so is just as responsible for buying cards and presents. And as this was an invitation he'd arranged in his contact time, he should sort presents.

I don't know your backstory (unless you've namechanged?) but Ex sounds like a arse who is trying to goad you.

fabergeegg · 21/07/2013 16:28

Yes of course he's being unreasonable. Why was it your job?

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 16:37

Not a name changer, very old previous regular poster. Mostly just lurk and post occasionally nowadays, now my life is so much less of a drama.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/373303-new-fab-and-glam

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 21/07/2013 16:40

I remember your original threads.

RandomMess · 21/07/2013 16:43

The invite was offered and accepted by him therefore his responsibility end of. Just as if it were one of his friends dc having a party - the fact they are at the same school is a red herring.

Had your dd received an ivitation at school and brought it home that would be different but she didn't!!!!

Footface · 21/07/2013 17:04

Yanbu, his dd's. I wouldn't even think to buy my exdh's dd a present from your dd. even without the ow history. Exdh should be providing the presents if he thinks it necessary.

I think it's mad he would even expect you too! Tbh

squoosh · 21/07/2013 17:31

History aside I don't think there's anything mad about buying a birthday present for your exes child, they are your child's sibling after all.

I think it's a nice and grown up thing to do.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/07/2013 17:46

No fence sitting here, either. He arranged to take dd2 to this party, so therefore it is his responsibility to provide the present. If the invitation had come from the girl because she and your dd were genuine friends as well as half siblings and her mother had asked you directly if your dd could come, then I'd say you and your ex were jointly liable, but given that your dd is only going because they share a father, then it is definitely his job to sort gifts.

If he was taking her somewhere as a favour to you, then it would be your job to cover card/present.

MissStrawberry · 21/07/2013 17:46

Your husband treated you shabbily. The DD didn't and she will always be your DD's half sister.

Original poster

macdoodle · 21/07/2013 18:00

I agree, I have never done or said anything untoward about her. I have encouraged my DD's relationship with her. But I still can't see how that makes me responsible for buying a present when I wasn't involved in the invite or party at all. FWIW, another little girl in my DD2's class was invited (XH's DD is in the year above), as their mother's are friends and she had the invite weeks before.

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 21/07/2013 18:24

Its his job to get her a present from your DD in my opinion.Hes taking her to the party and if he doesnt want to feel guilt for not having a gift from her he should sort it out.Personally id probably just send a card to show i feel its a nice thing for her to go to the party x

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/07/2013 18:30

Putting aside all the complications, your ex should have got the present if its a party he has accepted an invite for and is taking your DD too surely.

I presume you get presents for parties you accept on your DD's behalf and take her to? So he should do the same.

And then add in the fact he's a twat and well its even more black and white.

PorkPieandPickle · 21/07/2013 18:31

YANBU. There is no way I would expect DSS's mum to buy our baby (when it's born!) a present from DSS. We would buy something for DSS to give to baby, why on earth should it be her job?! So why should it be your job?! His daughters, his present buying business.

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/07/2013 20:18

Op, it must be something in the water I've just been on the phone to a friend whose ex has requested their children attend the christening(without mum) of his new baby but they won't be catered for food wise after as he can't afford it and a gift list was included. Just bonkers

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