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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ABIU- re prospective au pairs requests?

78 replies

scrummummy · 21/07/2013 13:50

Hi I am currently looking for an au pair. I am down to 2.
Lets call them A and B-
A: childcare experience but not been to the uk or been an au pair before, wants to learn english for her career not childcare or teaching. can start in 5 weeks
B: has been au pair in london before but left as there were too many hours 40-45(??) She is coming back to the uk in next week.

Now we ideally would like au pair to start in 2/3 weeks (I have been looking for a month or so)

Now B has asked if she will be getting a 1-4 monthly travel card. I stated in my as that I would provide a 3-4 travel card and a monthly bus card or once started a school and had student id a monthly 1-4 card. My thinking is a 1-4 card is over £150 a month but a student one is around £80.

B then said that she wants one from day 1 aibu to think this is a bit much on day 1? I replied that after 1 month we could talk about it.
So aibu or is she?

OP posts:

Openyourheart · 21/07/2013 20:55

Yes , but au pairs get board and lodging as part of the deal plus other extra too. This is financially worth a lot.

Wuldric · 21/07/2013 20:59

I think that £85 per week in London is a bit mean. I used to pay £100 a week outside London and that was 7 years ago! I also think this travel card thing is a bit mean too.

Wuldric · 21/07/2013 21:05

I have just worked out that this is your first au-pair.

Think of them as an older child of the family. What can you do for £85 a week in London? How reasonable are you being? If you are being parsimonious over a travel card, what are you going to do with someone in the house 24/7 (because they can't afford to leave the flipping place). Are you paying for English courses?

When I had aupairs the deal was as follows:

No more than 20 hours a week
You pay a minimum of £75 a week (then) and as I say this was not in London
You pay for their English courses - ours were around £350 a term
You pay for the travel card

If you get this right, they'll be long term friends. You won't get it right if you're stingy with them.

BridgetBidet · 21/07/2013 21:12

Yes I know Openyourheart but au pairs are only supposed to work limited hours such as those the OP is offering. It seems this au pair in her previous job was expected to work excessive hours and really it was a post they should have employed a nanny for on above minimum wage.

LayMeDown · 21/07/2013 21:32

I think it is incredibly harsh to say B is afraid of hard work based on the fact she didn't want to work 40+ hours a week for her first family. 40-45 hours a week is an outrageous amount to expect an au pair to work, and I don't blame her for leaving over this. It is meant to be part time, so they can attend school, not cheap labour for exploiters.
OP I think she is within her rights to ask for this. A 2 hour round trip is going to take a large chunk out of her free time, and £85 a week is not going to go very far if she has to pay for it herself. I'd get it for her tbh. However you obviously haven't taken to her. I think with childcare the chemistry needs to be right so if you don't like her, don't hire her. Personally I admire that sort of pluck in a young person but that's me.

marriedinwhiteagain · 21/07/2013 21:53

I'm on the fence about this. BUT we live zone 2 and when we had au-pairs - last one left in 2009 (always swedish) we paid the following:

25 hours (max) + 2 eves babysitting
1/2 fees for 2nd term of English (although I got them into a very good and reasonable local college)
Full fees paid for third term
Mobile phone on contract
Full board of course
Dbl room with ensuite
Return fare home
Two weeks paid holiday (this is more now)
5 on oyster each week
In addition through friends they usually earned an extra 20-40 pw babysitting
E paid 80p
I think you are being a bit tight OP especially as you are a long way from the centre but I'm not sure the answer is a monthly 1-4 season ticket.w

marriedinwhiteagain · 21/07/2013 21:55

Not 80p, 80 pounds per week.

KobayashiMaru · 21/07/2013 22:05

45 hours is far too many for an au pair. They aren't nannies, though lots of unscrupulous parents try and use them as such. How is she "demanding"?

Seriously, if you want to pay someone so little and have them accept whatever you offer without a sound, you're going to end up with really poor childcare. It's you who wants to buck your ideas up, not the au-pairs.

Mumsyblouse · 21/07/2013 22:13

B has just found out the hard way that many many families take advantage of au pairs and very sensibly has decided that with her extra experience, she needs to negotiate up front. I don't think there is anything wrong with this unless she is doing so in an unpleasant manner, in fact, I think it's just her experience whereas A doesn't know this is important to do yet.

I have a friend of a friend who has just left being an au pair for a family outside London, they absolutely took the piss, she was on duty 12 hours a day and not allowed to sit in the communal areas when not on duty. It was appalling, presumably they thought she was desperate as from a poorer country, however she's now moved to a lovely family who keep to the right hours and make her feel included- this may well be B's experience so bear that in mind.

BridgetBidet · 21/07/2013 22:22

KobyashiMaru the OP doesn't want her to work 45 hours, that's what she did with the previous family.

HollaAtMeBaby · 21/07/2013 22:31

£85/25 hours = £3.40 an hour. Based on that alone, YABU.

KobayashiMaru · 21/07/2013 22:34

I know that. I'm responding to the points made that the au pair is somehow demanding/unreasonable/not a hard worker for objecting to working nearly twice as many hours as she should have been!

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2013 22:37

She's getting board as well as other perks, Holla.

marriedinwhiteagain · 21/07/2013 22:37

But Holla you are not accounting for the accommodation (the room our APs had was probably worth 500-600pcm had taken a lodger), no bills to pay and no food to pay for - or a phone. Plus about 500 on language lessons. I didn't think that was a bad deal and worth more like 10-12 ph.

Boomba · 21/07/2013 22:51

i see that au pairs have accomodation and food paid for, but come-on...as if they would choose to live in with the boss and the kids they are paid to look after and not be independant in terms of food shopping etc. Its hardly a 'perk' is it

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2013 22:53

But then they don't have to do it, do they?

Boomba · 21/07/2013 22:56

no blether they dont have to...and they choose to do it. But accomodation and food isnt a 'perk'. Its obvious to all included that it isnt favourable all round really, but it suits in trems of getting a cheap child care solution and the inexperienced/unqualified person getting a job in a country where they want to learn the language. I dont think it can be used as a bargaining tool

jay55 · 21/07/2013 23:35

Can you compromise and give a bit of payg oyster credit per week?

Mimishimi · 22/07/2013 02:52

I think you should provide the card since you live in Zone 3.

MidniteScribbler · 22/07/2013 03:06

I think B sounds quite sensible. She knows what her needs are and has obviously experienced previous employers taking the piss with regards to what they expect from her. In fact, I'd rather someone who is upfront and says "right, this is what I can give you. In exchange I expect..." It's no different to any other prospective employee applying for a job and negotiating terms with their new employer. We all do it, whether it's pay, hours, benefits, workload, etc. It's how a professional relationship works.

Mimishimi · 22/07/2013 03:12

Au pairs are not treated as employees but rather a member of the family who gets pocket money and they are therefore exempt from the minimum wage

haha! I would love to see what would happen if I treated members of my family like many au-pairs are treated . How fast can you say black sheep?

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 22/07/2013 03:27

Accommodation and food is a perk when you consider how much that would cost to pay it yourself.

Au pairs know exactly what the deal is re living in and they choose to do it.

I do think it is really - equally - important for au pairs to do their due diligence re the family, and make sure they're making the right decision for them. Living with the wrong family must be hell. Not at all suggesting the OP is. :)

sandwichyear · 22/07/2013 04:13

i think you need references for both- not just B. I think the travelcard request is reasonable- 80pw is not much in London and won't go far. Getting the bus an hour each way will take 2 hours out of her day every day. I would expect to negotiate my own terms with any future employer and for this not to prejudice my job application, and dont' see why she shouldn't do the same. It's only fair and responsible. I think good on her for being upfront. But if your gut feeling is that you don't like her, and that her manner irritates you then that is a real problem and you wont' want her in your house/ looking after your children anyway.

marriedinwhiteagain · 22/07/2013 06:34

It can be really favourable boomba. Our au-pairs we had four (one was hopeless and there was mutual agreement that she had to go after six weeks). So four successes. Four girls (cd have been boys) who came to England, brushed up their language, took some responsibility for the dc, some light jobs like preparing tea, dishwasher and ironing, lived away from home before uni, had a blast in London, introduced us to their families and friends and some swedish culture.

We kept within the spirit of what the agreement meant. We were lucky our girls were great and within about a month had sloTted themselves into the swedish network in London and politely said "would you mind if I did,kt have lunch/dinner/supper with you - can I have it later I am going out". There endeth them needing to hang out with us.

Au-pairs are not suitable for sole charge of pre-school dhildre,. It wporks when dC are established at school, means they can continue with their activities and carry on having friends for tea. There were some weeks when the au-pair never had either child fro 3.30-6 because they were doing other stuff.

It didn't work so well when I had one to help when the dc were tiny and I was at home, had a baby and ds was clingy. That was a bit claustrophobic tbh.

I think we treated ours very well - they treated us well and it helped that they could be in the west End in under half an hour. 60p on the bus on an oyster then.

Montybojangles · 22/07/2013 06:42

When is the last time you caught a bus into Oxford street from zone 3 at the weekend scrummy mummy? Its a complete pain in the arse and can take forever. I think her request is a reasonable one TBH.

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