Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucked off

35 replies

StrawbsAndChampers · 21/07/2013 00:40

Hi I have namechanged for this thread, im.not a regular or anything but would like to keep this post seperate from my others.

Me and my ex had been together forever and trying for a baby for years. When I got my BFP we was falling over each other in excitement and after the scans there was no stopping us, decorating the nursery, choosing names all the usual stuff first parents do. Cue my utter bewilderment when he left me for an OW when I was 8 months pregnant.

I moved in with my wonderful parents and ds was born. His father never acknowledged the fact, he has never been to see him.

Fast forward a year and me and ds are doing just fine Smile but tonight for some reason (call it morbid curiosity) I searched for ex on facebook. I found him - posing for pictures with a new baby, looks like he had another child before ds was even a year old.

Under these pictures are comments such as 'you look like a natural' 'you look like such a brill dad' and 'baby is so lucky to have such a lovely daddy'

Dont get me wrong im glad he standing by this baby as would hate for another innocent baby to go fatherless but wtf?! How can he go from absent father to dad of the year so quickly im so annoyed and really wish I never bloody looked on facebook. Why has my poor ds drawn the short straw and not have a father figure in his life Sad I understand hes better off without him, but still hurts.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrawbsAndChampers · 21/07/2013 00:44

Ok nc didnt work, I have changed a few minor details so that I am hopefully not identifiable in real life but the post is still the same.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 21/07/2013 00:49

He sounds like a prize twat.

I hope you are getting as much as you can through CSA.

BridgetBidet · 21/07/2013 00:50

I don't blame you. That's a horrible thing for him to have done, the man is obviously a shit. I don't know what to say because there's not really anything that can make it better. But your son has you for a Mum and he has his Grandparents and that's what matters.

Incidentally in some ways he might not have the short straw. It sounds to me like he might be the kind of man who it would be difficult to grow up around. I doubt he's going to be building a really settled, committed relationship where they both trust each other. After all she knows he cheated on you, and she was happy to be the OW so they both know that they're not exactly the most moral people in the world. I suspect that poor kid may be growing up in a home which is broken sooner rather than later.

IneedAyoniNickname · 21/07/2013 00:52

Of course it.hurts! I can totally understand that. I really wanted another baby,.ex didn't, yet 6months after we split his New gf was pregnant.

Like you said, you are better off without him, and so.is your ds.

Keep strong, and maybe block him on fb then you can't be tempted to look again?

Flowers
BeaWheesht · 21/07/2013 00:56

Yadnbu.

Aren't you getting maintenance from him?

Just remind yourself that YOU didn't do this and your ds can always contact his dad in the future should he so wish. Also remember that your ds will grow up with positive role models you can both trust.

Presumably this new baby isn't very old? Don't bet on him sticking around for this wee one either. Lets face it he isn't very reliable is he? It's a shame and strange to think your ds has a sibling you don't know but ultimately all you can control is how your ds is brought up, try and focus your energy on that again and forget about your fuckwit ex.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/07/2013 01:00

could you take a screen shot of any baby opictures to show your ds when he is older. he might be curious about his half brother/sister. file them somewhere on your computer, or print off and bury at the back of a wardrobe.

oh and you are lucky to have ds. ex is the one missing out.

Original poster
StrawbsAndChampers · 21/07/2013 01:21

Thanks everyone. I tried to change a few details in my OP so I wasnt identifiable in real life but my nc didnt work anyway Blush ds is dd thats the only change. (to be honest I think if ex somehow sees this thread it will do him good)

Hope you dont think I was being dishonest - just trying to be a bit more anonymous.

Anyway thankyou for all the great advice and reassuring words. It never even entered my head that dd has a half sibling now, how bizarre Sad

OP posts:
ShellyBoobs · 21/07/2013 01:38

YANBU to be fucked off; god no!

I'm amazed you're taking it as well as you seem to actually.

Your dd is lucky to have such a strong and pragmatic mum.

Flowers
lilyliz · 21/07/2013 01:39

same boat here,DS is now 40 yrs and never had contact withnhis father who married a nurse so he could get to emigrate .They don't have kids and apart from threatening me when DS was 18 for access (ha ha) not heard a peep from the sperm donor

lessonsintightropes · 21/07/2013 01:57

That is such a shitty situation, YADNBU. Hope that you are okay and that at least financially supporting you. Flowers

zippey · 21/07/2013 02:34

I cant offer much advice but just here to say it is not unreasonable to feel the way you do, and poor DS/DD. I hope you are doing right by DS/DD by getting maintenance for him. Do your ex's parents acknowledge him?

TimeofChange · 21/07/2013 06:08

Strawbs: YANBU.

It must have quite a shock.
Your X is an utter arse.

Is he financially supporting your son?

I agree with blocking the X on FB, as it is so tempting to keep looking and then looking at his friends and looking everyday (yes, been there and done that!).

Your DD /DS is being brought up in a secure, loving family unit. It is a shame he doesn't know his Dad, but some DD are not worth knowing.

TimeofChange · 21/07/2013 06:13

Flippin heck - sorry I mean 'Dads' not DD!!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/07/2013 06:45

Depressingly this is common enough to not be identifiable.

RoxyFox211 · 21/07/2013 07:13

Yanbu ConfusedConfused this had made me so mad, and I'm just reading it! Do u claim child support? You should definitely do that and if u don't want to spend it save it for ds for when their older. At least it'll be a constant reminder to Exp that he does have another dc out there!

TroublesomeEx · 21/07/2013 07:50

My son's father did the exact same thing, OP.

Live your life well, love your child and don't give him a second thought.

Have a wonderful life. He is the one missing out on the beautiful child he created with you.

Roshbegosh · 21/07/2013 07:55

Un fucking believable.
Does his wife know what he did? Is he financially supporting your son?
Dad of the year eh? Just wait.

softlysoftly · 21/07/2013 08:30

That's awful I'm sorry, but I wouldn't agree with pps. If you are comfortably financially independent I wouldn't go for csa.

Cut your ties, raise your child without the person who is only biologically linked he means nothing.

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/07/2013 08:38

Agree with Softly and just remember he is the one missing out by not being a part of your dd's life that is the punishment he has given himself

RedHelenB · 21/07/2013 08:46

IMO a lot of men are wrapped up in the woman they are with, hence him being a good dad to this other child. I know men who are far more bothered about their step children than their own flesh & blood. Oh and DO go to the CSA, you planned for this baby & it is his responsibility - you can't force him to see the child but you can make him pay towards them.

Buzzardbird · 21/07/2013 09:01

I don't know how you stopped yourself commenting on his fb post? Well done you.. it must have been tempting?

Buzzardbird · 21/07/2013 09:02

I don't know how you stopped yourself commenting on his fb post? Well done you.. it must have been tempting?

Dahlen · 21/07/2013 09:04

I'm sorry. Sad That must hurt.

Sadly this is quite common. I think it's because for people like your X, the relationship with the child is really rather superficial. He may be auditioning for 'dad of the year' right now but only because he wants to be with the child's mother. If that relationship breaks down he will undoubtedly walk away from that child too, and even if he maintains contact it will probably be the sporadic, unreliable type that we see so many threads about on here. In a way, your DS had had a lucky escape because relationships with fathers like that are often more damaging than no contact at all.

I hope you can take some comfort in that but of course YANBU to be angry about this. When an adult deliberately mistreats a child, the correct response is always anger.

Cherriesarelovely · 21/07/2013 09:07

What an arse of a bloke! I would feel similarly pissed off. However, you have your lovely Dd despite his pathetic behaviour. I bet many of your mutual friends are similarly dissapproving of his behaviour.

HairyGrotter · 21/07/2013 09:08

Same thing here too!

DD's father has never met her, has no intention of meeting her, has never paid a penny etc. He's since gone on to have more children, good luck to him and his family really.

DD is 5 now and a wonderfully strong little character, I have a DP who adores her and plans on adopting her after we're married.

Some people (men and women) are the fucking pits, but onwards and upwards Grin

Enjoy the stress and hassle free raising of your lovely girl Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread