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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU feeling jealous / bitter?

37 replies

CentaursMaiden · 20/07/2013 17:41

Ok have n/c for this...

I am a single parent to a 9yr old DD with additional needs. Have been single since I was pregnant - have no family that can help in the area. I do have babysitters but generally can't use them too often as they are friends with own kids.

I kind of bumble along getting through what is thrown at us (quite a lot) and I am happy enough with a new job, no massive money worries and a nice home.

My DD's needs are high at times and she can be violent & aggressive towards me. I get no respite (don't qualify) and so generally if she's not at school she's with me and I work school hours.

I am finding myself feeling very jealous & bitter of what others are up to Hmm Generally it's people I know who are telling me how tough their lives are / they are finding things yet are running 10k races at the weekend, going to concerts, going away for the weekend, booking holidays or even more so it is when they have family / partners supporting them to do stuff / work. If I am honest - it makes me want to poke them in the eye with a shitty stick Hmm Especially if they appear to take it for granted...

I try not to show it (but willing to accept I might a bit Wink) and I make sure I ask how they are, try to help, listen where I can but I feel bad for being so bitter Hmm

I am looking forward to the day I can leave DD at home and take the dog for a walk ( I think it might be 3-4yrs yet) and accept that I will probably not have a normal adult social life (DD not good round others) for many years but I can't shake this jealousy / bitterness thing.

Is it a normal reaction or AIBU?

OP posts:
VitoCorleone · 20/07/2013 17:43

YANBU to feel that way at all

catus · 20/07/2013 17:54

Yanbu. I would describe your feelings as completely natural.

FasterStronger · 20/07/2013 18:02

you are not being at all unreasonable. dp and I went from his DM dying and his family falling apart to my DF becoming paralysed and loosing the ability to use his arms or legs and eventually sit up, feed himself or breathe.

and everyone else....well they just got on with normal life. and all we did was work and support my parents (and I mean nothing else for years, not even 1 day holiday etc.).

that time in my life is over and I am much happier now but when it was bad i had a very strong imagine in my mind, and the harder it was, the more I pictured it:

that I was in a dark void, and all that I could do was keep going, but somewhere, out in the future, there was a better life. it was 'the other side' of the void. and slowly, over many years, it did get better and I appreciate life so much more for having my bad times.

thispunderfullife · 20/07/2013 18:18

I'm really sorry to hear how tough things are, and I hope the difficult times lift sooner than you think Thanks

And... You never know what unexpected nice thing might be just round the corner

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 20/07/2013 18:24

Thanks all...

The strange thing is the here & now feels like a vast improvement on where we were a year ago that I am a bit Shock when people say 'it'll get better one day' because its already better than it was.

Faster - that sounds so tough and you are right people do just carry on normal life Smile

Thispunderfullife - the reality is that something nice might turn up but I wouldn't have childcare to do it Wink
But I appreciate the flowers Smile

OP posts:
SplitHeadGirl · 20/07/2013 18:39

YA SO NOT BU!!!! I have three children under three - two girls and a boy - and they are super-hard work!! I think sometimes I might be going insane hahahaha (yes, that IS a mad laugh!!) as my house is basically a box and my husband works very long hours so I am with them almost entirely by myself. Before I went on maternity leave with my youngest, I worked evenings while my two were in bed. So I had no time at all to myself.

I find I am jealous mainly of my younger sister, who married a rich man, bought a big house, and works while her children are in creche. But I am pretty jealous of all my sisters and brothers to be honest...they all have big houses, all had nurseries (no way could me and DH afford that), and all had more money than we do.

I console myself by thinking my children are impossibly lovely (more so than theirs...ok I'm biased) and my husband is pretty close to perfect...and also that one day, my family will be pretty well off.

Just keep moving forward.

thelma3333 · 20/07/2013 20:19

Yanbu so sorry u are having rough time. I have 2 kids with health probs so even with dh and dm I find it tough and envy others. So I can't imagine how hard it is for you.

celestialbows · 20/07/2013 20:29

YANBU at all! I have struggled with physical and mental health problems and a partner working long hours, we have not had an offer of help from anybody and it's really taken its toll, I can only imagine how hard it is for you in your situation.
Have you tried Homestart if you don't qualify for respite?

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 00:27

Celestial
Homestart is for under 5s

I am happy enough... Not depressed, do get anxious and see a therapist as my anxiety can get really severe and cause me to be physically ill as I won't let it beat me
Thankfully this is now all under control Smile

SplitHeadGirls post made me realise that the things she relies on to minimise what makes her jealous I don't have Hmm No partner, no chance of meeting one and my child is challenging towards me & others.
There's no trade off Hmm

I suppose I haven't really accepted where I am... Perhaps I never will so I suppose I have to keep the bitterness reined so I don't become a bitch Smile

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 21/07/2013 01:32

Although you have to accept where you are a little bit (because it is where you are) you shouldn't settle for something that isn't making you happy.

That's what spurs people on to make changes.

It's good you're looking to a future when you can do more and not getting hugely bogged down in how shit you feel. That's much better than thinking things will never change.

Remember that the things you see on fb are (usually) one off events, it might seem like it, but nobody's doing those things all the time, they probably feel their lives aren't what they want either.

In fact I'd go as far as to say 99.9% of those people aren't particularly happy with 98% of their lives (I like did propa research an' everythink to get them stats). The grass isn't always greener.

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 09:18

Thanks Agent ZigZag

I think I do just continually move forward and hope Smile Its the only way through...

I don't pay attention to FB - it is the edited highlights after all Wink Runners are the only exception - I am insanely jealous of anyone who can just go for a run early morning / late afternoon.

What sets it off is people I see saying how busy, difficult their life is when a lot of it is just day to day shite that gets everyone down but then have no appreciation for what they do have...

And usually what they have is some sort of balance... Whether it be a partner or a parent or even just that their kids are ok at school its there and yet taken for granted.

And because they don't value it they certainly would never understand where I am coming from.

OP posts:
ZingWidge · 21/07/2013 09:44

YANBU

BreadNameBread · 21/07/2013 09:47

YANBU. You sound like you have a lots to cope with and I think you are totally normal to feel how you do. You just need to reign it in if you start to dwell on it too much.

Is there any way you could pay for a babysitter once in a while?

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 10:01

Bread

I do have a babysitter but I work around her kids & other job... I have friends who help me out for the voluntary roles I have as I am home by just after bedtime...

I prioritise the stuff that I have to do (my voluntary roles are tied into my job) first - I have been out once in the last few years. Friends come round but then DD doesn't settle well and can be mare for school (tho school tell me carry on Smile).

It's not all bad really Grin

OP posts:
CMP69 · 21/07/2013 10:16

You have a lot to cope with, not surprised you are a bit Envy of people who don't have your problems. Do you have any social services support or anyone you can ask for out of school help?
I think we all get a bit jealous of other people (I do about people with GP on tap, or people who don't have to work Blush )

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 10:33

We don't meet the threshold for SS support and we are involved with all the other support in the area. I use a short break service which is an afternoon a fortnight / days in the holiday - my holiday days I will use for childcare.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 21/07/2013 10:47

Why don't you pay a proper carer once a month for a few hours just to get a break.

Out of the 5 carers I regularly use 3 of them also do casual arrangements by casual I mean none regular employers not undeclared.

BreadNameBread · 21/07/2013 10:54

Do you think you prioritise yourself enough when you do get 'free' time? IYSWIM

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 11:03

It's just too expensive to justify Socks - I get 3hrs twice a month short break for £5 a session - that's doable
In Sept she will go weekly Smile

I am quite happy with what I get to be honest & I get more than some...

I am not yearning for more for myself just bitter and twisted because others don't appreciate & take for granted what they do have Wink

OP posts:
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 21/07/2013 11:03

Yanbu, we're in a similar position. You need to push harder fir respite too. We now get four hours a week and one overnight break from both dcs and silly as it sounds it's been lifechanging for us.

Could you maybe ask a friend to step in too ?? They can only say no !!

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 11:04

Bread

God no - I never prioritise myself - not ever Hmm

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 21/07/2013 11:14

YANBU at all. I feel for you. I have to say though that I have a 9 year old DD and I too am a couple of years away from leaving her at home...she's just too immature....I wonder if you've asked on SN here on MN about trying to get some respite...it seems massively unfair that you get none at all. What's that organisation called that provides support with housework and things...anyone know...I bet OP ciould get that...is it Homestart?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 21/07/2013 11:15

And....do you have ANY thing that you do only for you OP? A hobby? A mate coming round once a week to have a drink etc?

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 11:26

Apocalypse

I asked what I needed to do to qualify for respite & the answer was 'not cope'... 18 months ago I wasn't coping at all and I didn't qualify because DD is not disabled enough.

I am not unique - it's pretty standard round here. Parents are being reviewed re: respite and losing hours - some of them have children with life limiting illnesses Hmm

All thanks to the Big Society and the idea that you should find your own way Wink

My DD is violent towards other children & adults at times so I have to be very sure they can cope & not take the mick. Like I say I have a number of people who help me out but I prioritise the stuff I have to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 11:29

Neo

Homestart is for under 5s...

Do I have a hobby? Unless you count studying Smile I generally go from course to course at my own pace - I am part way through a masters but currently doing some level 3 & 4 stuff for work Smile

OP posts: