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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU feeling jealous / bitter?

37 replies

CentaursMaiden · 20/07/2013 17:41

Ok have n/c for this...

I am a single parent to a 9yr old DD with additional needs. Have been single since I was pregnant - have no family that can help in the area. I do have babysitters but generally can't use them too often as they are friends with own kids.

I kind of bumble along getting through what is thrown at us (quite a lot) and I am happy enough with a new job, no massive money worries and a nice home.

My DD's needs are high at times and she can be violent & aggressive towards me. I get no respite (don't qualify) and so generally if she's not at school she's with me and I work school hours.

I am finding myself feeling very jealous & bitter of what others are up to Hmm Generally it's people I know who are telling me how tough their lives are / they are finding things yet are running 10k races at the weekend, going to concerts, going away for the weekend, booking holidays or even more so it is when they have family / partners supporting them to do stuff / work. If I am honest - it makes me want to poke them in the eye with a shitty stick Hmm Especially if they appear to take it for granted...

I try not to show it (but willing to accept I might a bit Wink) and I make sure I ask how they are, try to help, listen where I can but I feel bad for being so bitter Hmm

I am looking forward to the day I can leave DD at home and take the dog for a walk ( I think it might be 3-4yrs yet) and accept that I will probably not have a normal adult social life (DD not good round others) for many years but I can't shake this jealousy / bitterness thing.

Is it a normal reaction or AIBU?

OP posts:
Mammyisthegirl · 21/07/2013 11:39

No no no, you are not BU! Sounds like you are having a tough time. Are there any family groups with children who have similar needs to your DD? (You probably have already considered that, sorry!) Some adult support would be good. I don't know how anyone gets out for a run, I can hardly get a pee without a commentating audience.

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 11:46

Mammy

I have a friend who tells me how bloody tough it whilst posting 4 runs a week on FB and at least 2-3 races away a month - makes me Confused See! Bitter & twisted Smile

There are a couple of support groups I go to when I can - they are helpful Smile

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 21/07/2013 12:08

You're not bitter or twisted...you just need a break. Have you asked in the Special Needs boards here? They're SO good at advising people how to deal with red tape there....some of them have fought and won similar battles Centaur.

I do hope you can sort something out.xxx

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 12:39

Neo

I get a 'break' - 3hrs a fortnight and days in the holiday - I dont qualify for anything else and most importantly I am quite happy with what I get. I get more than most.

OP posts:
Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 13:33

At the end of the day no service / respite can replicate what I would have if I had a partner / supportive family.

What I have is good enough - it keeps us on an even keel and most importantly DD manages it (just!)

Every time I mention how challenging DD is someone jumps on the 'You need a break' and 'you must fight for respite' band wagon so at least MN is consistent with real life...
Last time it was school so I asked them to see if they could get further than me... They came back and told me there was nothing else I qualified for - its just the way that it is.

So whilst I know your intentions are good insisting that I fight and their is respite out there - I have tried & the professionals / other parents in the know tell me I am not missing anything Smile
And trying to tell people this jury provokes a Winston Churchill 'we shall fight them on the beaches' attitude which is toting for me and makes me feel useless Hmm

OP posts:
propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 21/07/2013 13:58

Yanbu. Things have not worked out for you and it is entirely understandable that you feel envious of those who are living a life you would have liked. Try to remember though that there will be aspects of your life that others covet. No one leads a perfect life.

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2013 14:19

The people who are saying those things probably just feel, not as powerless as you because they're not in it, but genuine sympathy and a desperation to help.

And also, even though they know they're OK in a comparison to others, it's kind of something people say when they complain about how hard they have it. Like saying you're skint when you've just come back from an expensive holiday, rolling your eyes while other people make sympathetic/understanding noises.

You're not saying you're absolutely skint, just relatively, as a conversation thing.

From reading your posts, although it's plain to see you're struggling, you do also put across a side which makes you seem as though you're handling it, and I wonder if the people round think you're actually not doing too badly?

Sorry about the wording, hope it makes sense.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 21/07/2013 14:34

Oh. Right...well sorry I fall into the useless category. I'm genuinely not sure why you posted....you've a right to feel that you aren't understood I suppose but can anyone really understand ANYone elses situation. Probably not.

Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 14:35

No I get you Agent ZigZag... I am handling but in my handling it I perhaps do make it look easier than it is...

And I am very aware of people feeling desperately sorry for me - I know school do and it makes me feel awful Hmm So I perhaps reassure people a lot that I am ok... Which I am but then when I need a moan the issues are massive!

I think I do just get fed up with the, as you say - perfect example of someone having no money but booking a huge holiday - it boils my piss (to use a lovely MN phrase).

OP posts:
Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 14:40

Actually Neo I said it made ME feel useless... At no point did I say you or anyone were useless :-/

I also said 'fighting them on the beaches' was toting which was clearly tiring Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
CentaursMaiden · 21/07/2013 14:42

And I posted because I feel so bad for wanting to poke people in the eyes when they tell me how busy their jobs are & how they never see their kids in one breath and in the next are telling me that 2 out of the last 3 weekend they have HAD to go out and their children were with GP overnights...

I felt very uncharitable and a bit of a cow Hmm

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 21/07/2013 14:53

What people are really doing is just dumping all the frustration they have at not being able to help you, onto you.

So you've got to feel bad not only about your situation, but that you're making other people feel bad too.

Because it's only the state who can really do something regularly for you long term, it's safe ranting against them, forgetting that it just winds you up even more that you're at such a loss of how to cope with it.

Maybe you need to be a bit less reasonable? Grin Although I know that's not an option.

The OP can rant away as much as she likes Neo, it's not compulsory to have a conclusion, take on board advice, or even have a point. And she's definitely not here to make us feel better or as though we're being helpful.

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