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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate the question: 'are you feeding your baby yourself'?

53 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 19/07/2013 23:37

No, Bob round the corner is doing it.

Oh wait, of course I'm feeding my baby my-bloody-self.

I must've been asked this 4-5 times per week when my children were babies and was reminded today when someone asked my friend. She formula feeds and the inference behind the question is 'are you breastfeeding?' so technically her answer should be no but...really, AIBU to think it's a pretty stupid way to ask a personal and unnecessary question?

OP posts:
Jinty64 · 20/07/2013 05:50

When I was an innocent young student in the wards and knew even less than I know now I had to go for my lunch, in the canteen, with the charge nurse who was heavily pregnant (and they were called Sister in those days so it wasn't yesterday.) I was very shy and not good at making small talk - clearly neither was she. After sitting in silence for 15 minutes I plucked up the courage to say "are you hoping for a boy or a girl" she replied "not much choice, you get what you are given." Que, 15 minutes more silence!

I think people are just trying to make polite conversation..

milktraylady · 20/07/2013 05:50

That's interesting platinum, the most positive response I've had to ' are you bf' when I say yes- an old lady neighbour was soooo enthusiastic! Well done you, good girl etc etc.
I was blown away as I expected the usual trauma response!

elliejjtiny · 20/07/2013 05:53

That question really annoys me. People who think it's rude to say the word breast but fine to ask me what I'm doing with mine.

PlatinumStart · 20/07/2013 06:03

milktray I've only ever had a positive response - especially from older women.

It must be quite reassuring to them in terms of their own parenting having lived through a decade where BF was considered the work of the devil both because it was perceived as inferior to formula and anti feminist.

jchocchip · 20/07/2013 06:04

The old lady thing is interesting. One old lady I know is still traumatised as she bf her first then she complains that 'they stopped my milk' with second. Actually given an injection against her wishes! Encouraged not to bf, quite.

TimeofChange · 20/07/2013 06:06

Maybe we should all campaign for a world in which we all totally and utterly ignore each other.

So next time I'm sitting on a train next to a mum and baby, I'll show no interest in the beautiful baby, I'll just pretend they are not there.

Some of you are miserable buggers.

Emilythornesbff · 20/07/2013 06:48

Grin @ selectausername

Burmobasher · 20/07/2013 06:49

time I agree.
Somebody dares shows a friendly interest (most likely to be a person you know anyway) in your precious darling and gets a mouthful of sarcasm back for their trouble.
How charming Hmm

NickyNackyNooNoo · 20/07/2013 07:09

People are just making conversation, some in a more cack handed way than others.

Ooo what are you hoping for...a Springer Spaniel
Are you feeding yourself...no Bob pops round everytime 4 hours or so
Is he/she a good baby....no he/she is a little bugger and is being returned forthwith
Baby really knows you.....well ffs we spend 24/7 together

But the smile and nod mantra works best Smile

When I was pregnant and my DCs were babies, I had far more in common with my Grandma than my Mum.

Raspberry leaf tea, home birth and bf to name a few. Mum thought I'd taken leave of my senses but my Grandma said she did exactly the same. Things seem to have skipped a generation.

colleysmill · 20/07/2013 07:15

The one question I also disliked was "are you having anymore?" first asked when ds was 10 days old. Not right this second I replied.

After 4 years people have stopped asking!

rosesandpirates · 20/07/2013 07:27

This is such a silly post! People need to have a bit more self confidence and get on with things. Of course your friends are not trying to offend you or upset you, they are making polite conversation.

Maybe they should forget talking about the baby and concentrate on telling youn how wonderful thier recent holiday to Barbados was, or how much they enjoyed sleeping in until 11 am.

Everyone will say something silly/phrase something slightly wrong throughout thier conversations. It doesn't mean they are being horrible. Get a grip ladies! These people are your rl friends, don't come and slag them off online!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/07/2013 07:34

I remember being asked this and always assumed it was people taking a polite interest, never had anyone proceed to unload their baggage about the subject on me either. I love to chat and like these polite little ice breakers.

littlemissnormal · 20/07/2013 07:40

^ what Time said.

"How are you feeding?" And "are they good?" are just plain basic questions to be polite and make conversation with.

To be fair there aren't an awful lot of other things you can ask about a little baby!

thecakeisalie · 20/07/2013 07:45

Maybe a list of things not to ask pregnant women or new Mum's should be complied.

I always found it odd when on forums how many people are offended by simple statements or questions people ask as a way to show interest - you have a big/small/low/high bump, what are you having, are you hoping for a boy or girl and so on...

People generally aren't trying to offend or pry its just small talk - people are just generally rubbish at small talk (I know I am)! No need to go all Blackadder on them and produce a scathing sarcastic reply, as fun as it might be.

Bathsheba · 20/07/2013 07:51

It's a far better euphemism than what I was asked my my DH's gran - is she still on the tit..?

Purplepassages · 20/07/2013 07:57

I tried "Oh yes, I think he's BRILLIANT!!" when asked "Is he good?", and got looked at like this Confused so meekly gave a run down of how often he'd woken in the night lately. With my first, the "good" question used to quite upset me, as it felt like everyone else's baby slept better/through, and here was a stranger confirming this expectation.

Found "are you feeding her?" ("yourself" a bit close to "with your breasts" for some) completely bewildering at first, thought they were saying she looked all skinny or something. Not very bright when sleep-deprived.

I love it when people come up and say "What a lovely baby!" though, so if the conversation starts like that, they can ask whatever they like!

rainbowfeet · 20/07/2013 08:15

Wish I'd thought of the "Bob" answer to this same question & the "no, he was out robbing a bank last night" to the is he a good baby comment!! (Why do people ask such questions)?! I am interested in other people's babies but in a convo don't ask things like that. Wink

Ds 17 months has gorgeous curly blonde hair sometimes it is laying in lovely ringlets but other times (Esp after a nap) it looks like a birds best, so many people comment on it, lots think he is a she!!! Hmm But the main question is "where did it all come from"? & "are you going to cut it all off"? Shock All gets a bit tedious except when they add how handsome he is with it!!!! WinkWinkWink

Cookethenook · 20/07/2013 08:28

When people ask me if my 7wo DS is good, I say 'yes, he's quite nice... We've decided to keep him.'

This has been met with mixed reactions!

KeepTheFaithBaby · 20/07/2013 08:34

I have a 14 wo DD so I'm getting all this. I do think the OP question is just a very British way of avoiding saying 'breast', like we might be struck down if we say it. I learnt the hard way though when DNephew (he's 3.5yo) asked if DD ate chocolate, I said No she drinks milk from my booby. He quotes me directly Blush

I hate Is she good?. We had a rough time with reflux - she cried a fair bit, especially when put down. But she's not a 'bad' baby, she was just expressing her needs!

My favourite thing is the old school advise. I get asked if she's a food sleeper. Ironically I say yes - she's slept through quite a few nights, not bad for such a little EBF baby....then I get the advice on how to make her sleep even though I've said she already does! Best two were 'Soak the tests of her bottle in gin' and 'Drop of brandy and rusk in her last bottle' Hmm Nod and smile, no and smile! Grin

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 20/07/2013 08:43

For me its no the question, but the aftermath.

Are you feeding him yourself?
Yes
Cue big smile from the inquirer and conversation about how its the lovliest thing blah blah

Are you feeding him yourself?
No im bottle feeding
Cue small smile and some shite about wind and colic

FobblyWoof · 20/07/2013 08:44

I hate people pussyfooting around something, especially when it's very bloody clear what they actually mean. I'd much prefer them to ask if you're BF, and I don't see what's wrong with that Confused

My HV with my DD was fab and would ask direct questions, give direc advice etc, but she's retired now and from the ones I've encountered at weigh in etc, they are all the sort to ask "are you feeding your baby?"
I can't really see us getting on Smile

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/07/2013 08:44

Yanbu.

Unlike most of the baby related questions "is s/he good?" Etc "are you feeing baby yourself" makes the person asking it sound like an utter moron.

Dixiefish · 20/07/2013 08:45

Mumsnet is a revelation - so many more things to get worked up about than I ever realised!

milktraylady · 20/07/2013 08:49

Clearly I need to work on my nod and smile technique!

I know people are just making conversation, but honestly they do always proceed to unload their bf baggage on me. That's tedious, not that they are taking an interest in my dd. who is of course very beauuuuutiful Grin

SparkyTGD · 20/07/2013 08:50

YANBU, I'm with YouTheCat, why do they need to know?