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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask this of dh?

69 replies

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 15:01

I am mainly a sahm but i have a pt job that i fit in around the kids. My boss wants me to take on more work at the end of the year. I love the job get paid well and it has good prospects. For our own reasons dh and i would rather not use childcare so he suggested i work saturdays while he takes care of the kids. I felt that would overstretch us and suggested he drop to 4 days so i can work 1 full day a week (which should be plenty for now). He gave me a whole load of reasons why he can't go part time. Fair enough, we'll just have to use childcare then.
This discussion happened a few months ago. Dh arrived home yesterday excited because someone is headhunting him. He said he'd like to go part time in his current job and do the new job part time. I was surprised and reminded him of all the reasons he gave before for not going part time. He looked guilty but claimed not to remember the conversation.
I am not happy. I have moved country and house multiple times for his career. I gave up a job i loved because we were moving yet again and i became a sahm partly because it was what he wanted.
Now i want him to make one small change to his working life to let me develop my career. And he's basically lied to get out of doing it.
Aibu to now expect him to drop to 4 days as clearly it is possible to do?

OP posts:

IvanaCake · 19/07/2013 15:06

Yanbu at all.

HumphreyCobbler · 19/07/2013 15:09

YANBU

TreesAndFlowers · 19/07/2013 15:21

I don?t think either of you are BU tbh.

DH obviously enjoys working and wants to work full time ? whether that is full time in 1 job or in combination of 2 part time jobs.
I don?t think there is anything wrong with him saying that he wants to do that.

I can?t see anything in your OP where you say that he?s stopped you developing your career? Is he saying that he doesn?t want the DC to go into childcare so effectively meaning you can?t take on extra work?
If that?s the case, then I agree that he needs to work out what is more important to him ? working full time or not using childcare.

Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 15:30

Trees - I feel I'm the one who's made all the compromises to make life easier for him and better for our DC while he's been free to do as he likes, pretty much. Despite not really wanting to move so much I have done so, purely so he could have jobs he wanted. Similarly despite having reservations about being a SAHM I became one because we both prefer that to childcare. Luckily I have enjoyed being a SAHM but now after 2 and a half years I would really like to go out and work one day a week. It seems after all of my compromises he isn't willing to make any for me. I understand that he would like to work full time, but does he get to do that at the expense of what I want? Is it too much to ask that he makes the compromise for once?

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quesadilla · 19/07/2013 16:05

YANBU, I can understand why you are pissed off.
Also sounds odd that his potential new employer is allowing him to work part time in this job but also continue to work part time for his old job. What is it he does for a living?

If he were having to go full time to show willing in a new job I would understand, but to claim not to be able to drop hours for childcare and then insist he needs to do them in the new job in order to juggle two jobs at once is unreasonable.

Allthingspretty · 19/07/2013 16:07

Is there tax implications of taking on another job so that he may not get as much money as he thinks in this other role?

Jan49 · 19/07/2013 16:10

YANBU

But I wouldn't see dropping from FT to 4 days as a small change since most employers would be unwilling to allow this, and it seems odd to me that his current employer would be willing for him to reduce his hours to PT to take on another job.

Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:10

Quesadilla - he's an academic but the new job is sort of a consultant role I think, so in theory he would be able to keep on a few research projects at the uni while doing consultation work for the new firm. I have never really asked him to do anything to assist my career, as before now I have had no real ambitions and most jobs I've had haven't had much in the way of long term prospects. But he knows that this new job is different - I love it and it has potential. The way I see it, I was offered this new opportunity and he basically was willing to do nothing to help me take it up and claimed his current job was set in stone, but suddenly now he is willing to rejig his current job considerably to take up an opportunity for himself. I don't know maybe I've been a mug to move around so much etc for him. I mean if I'd been as inflexible as he is being now then he wouldn't have his current job at all, we'd still be living down south, he's be a SAHD and I'd be out working full time. Perhaps I should have just done that.

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Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:13

Jan - he has no set hours really. He has a heap of work to do, but if he cut that down by taking on fewer projects then he would be able to take on the other consultant role. It would actually be very easy for him to drop to 4 days - he could do that straight away with no hassle as the uni just expect him to get a certain amount of work done, with no set time commitment. It would actually be much harder for him to, say, drop to 3 or 2 days at the uni because he couldn't possibly get all his current work done and he would have to drop projects which is doable but not easy.

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Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:14

To clarify, as far as I can tell, he could drop to 4 days without changing his job significantly but if he took the consultant role and dropped to 2/3 days he would have to change his current job quite a bit - ie it would be easier for him to allow me to work 1 day than it would to work the two jobs part time.

OP posts:

3rdnparty · 19/07/2013 16:15

I can understand why you're cross as he seems to have been deliberately difficult - why don't you just use childcare for a day a week?...if dc now about 2 its a completely different ball game interest/experience wise than when a small child...

trying to find something interesting with potential for yourself from being a sahp is really hard....so grab that opportunity

RunRabbit · 19/07/2013 16:16

I'm the one who's made all the compromises to make life easier for him and better for our DC while he's been free to do as he likes, pretty much.

It was your choice to do it though. If you want the job - take it. Everything else will work itself out. If you keep compromising your wants you're just going to turn into a great ball of resentment.

YANBU for expect him to compromise, but why should he since you end up compromising and he gets his way.

Don't be the doormat - stick to your guns - he'll eventually back down.
It is his turn anyway.

tmae · 19/07/2013 16:20

I would be livid if I'm honest and would take the 1 day full time whether he likes it or not, if he has an issue with childcare then he can work the 4 days. But if he only dislikes childcare enough to put your career on hold and not his that is really not fair, and I would be very upset with him.

Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:21

3rd- we have 2 DC - one is 2 and a half, the other is 5 months. The 2 and a half year old already goes to playgroup one morning a week so I don't have much reservation about putting him into childcare, it's more the 5 month old I'm less happy about. I would much much rather DH stayed at home for her, at least until she was 2 at which point I would be more happy for her to go to nursery. It annoys me that DH was extolling the virtues of parents staying at home with their children, but as soon as he's the parent staying at home, it's a different matter.

Run - I do feel a bit of a doormat tbh. And annoyed that DH basically lied about not being able to go pt at work. If he had said "I could go part time but I don't want to" then at least he'd have been honest about it.

OP posts:

Kat101 · 19/07/2013 16:22

It depends what your argument against using child care is? That would be the best compromise, then you both get to work the jobs you want.

Kat101 · 19/07/2013 16:23

Ah, x post. I think you need a proper talk with him, no children or distractions around.

Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:25

Kat - I simply prefer not to, just the way I feel. I feel strongly that a baby who can't talk needs to be cared for by those who love him/her dearly as I have seen too many times how people who can't talk and complain (of all ages) can be unintentionally neglected by people who don't have a vested interest in their happiness. I know it's only one day a week, so I may be overprecious about the whole thing but I feel that seeing as it is possible for DH to do it, then it's worth doing.

OP posts:

tenlittlebuns · 19/07/2013 16:27

I really feel for you OP. I think YANBU.
I have the same thing with my DH. He doesn't want me to use any childcare, and I have to work evenings and weekends to get my hours in - he isn't prepared to so much as ask to work one day a week at home, reduce his hours etc. He works abroad a number of days each week too so I am totally hemmed in by his job - my work life and my social life (or lack thereof of the latter). As another poster pointed out, when you put up with this kind of thing you end up as a ball of resentment - and I have! I am not practising what I am about to 'preach' but put the children in childcare. I understand your feelings about the youngest, but one day a week is not really going to make any difference.

Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:29

I suppose there's an element of digging my heels in too. I have uprooted myself so many times for his career, including when ds was 8 months, whereupon I moved hundreds of miles to a totally new area so he could take up a job he really wanted. I had to make new friends get to know a new city etc etc etc. It was a big upheaval for me and though I did it willingly it was a struggle at first. I feel quite let down that he's not willing to put himself out for me.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 19/07/2013 16:31

I would be absolutely fuming if I was you!

He can do anything it takes so he can do what he wants, but he wont extend the same courtesy to you?

Sounds like someone has had it too good for too long. Rather than a chat I would be saying that you are taking the job, it is your turn to work at your career and his turn to step up. Dont ask, tell.

quesadilla · 19/07/2013 16:32

OK, that puts a slightly different complexion on it. I'm guessing the consultancy work is better paid than that academic work so it would make a significant change to your household income?

That makes me marginally more sympathetic to his position...

But I still think its a bit out of order. Its the fact that he's previously insisted going p/t is out of the question, only to row back from it when he stands to benefit financially....

I have to say my personal choice would be to go for the childcare option (I have to do this, no choice in the matter). But if you don't feel its right for your family then fair enough.

But your DH appears to be moving the goalposts when it suits him and that's what would annoy me. Either going p/t is out of the question or it isn't, its not an a la carte thing for him according to whether he wants to do childcare or not.

Have you put this to him?

RunRabbit · 19/07/2013 16:34

DH basically lied about not being able to go pt at work.

I'm not surprised. He's clearly doing what he can to get his own way as he usually does because he knows you'll be the one to back down and compromise - as you've shown him you will in the past.

I suppose there's an element of digging my heels in too.

GOOD. Keep them in.

tenlittlebuns · 19/07/2013 16:34

He is used to you putting yourself out for him all the time, and until you don't he isn't going to shift his thinking of his own accord because things are just too convenient for him as they are (I've though about this a lot!)

I never put the kettle on, because I know DH always does it. Sometimes, i fancy a coffee but I know if I wait 10 mins he will make probably make one. I am just taking his goodwill for granted TBH, and it's just the same thing for you in this (far more important) situation ? he is used to you sacrificing for him and he doesn't have much experience of it the other way round.

Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:43

And you know what? There's a small voice in my head saying IABU, that I somehow don't deserve to have this opportunity. It's a chicken and egg situation but I know that voice has either come from or has contributed to DH feeling like his life the "important" one and my life has to fit in around that. We've had huge arguments about things like this before - where he has been unwilling to be any way flexible whereas I've had to make huge changes for him. Like I say I've made those changes willingly, for the good of our family (as they've led to better income, more security etc) but now I expect some quid pro quo.

OP posts:

Original poster

CailinDana · 19/07/2013 16:44

And I know deep down DH sees my job as a "pin money" type thing, whereas his job is the "real" job. Sigh.

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