to ask this of dh?

[CailinDana]

I am mainly a sahm but i have a pt job that i fit in around the kids. My boss wants me to take on more work at the end of the year. I love the job get paid well and it has good prospects. For our own reasons dh and i would rather not use childcare so he suggested i work saturdays while he takes care of the kids. I felt that would overstretch us and suggested he drop to 4 days so i can work 1 full day a week (which should be plenty for now). He gave me a whole load of reasons why he can't go part time. Fair enough, we'll just have to use childcare then.
This discussion happened a few months ago. Dh arrived home yesterday excited because someone is headhunting him. He said he'd like to go part time in his current job and do the new job part time. I was surprised and reminded him of all the reasons he gave before for not going part time. He looked guilty but claimed not to remember the conversation.
I am not happy. I have moved country and house multiple times for his career. I gave up a job i loved because we were moving yet again and i became a sahm partly because it was what he wanted.
Now i want him to make one small change to his working life to let me develop my career. And he's basically lied to get out of doing it.
Aibu to now expect him to drop to 4 days as clearly it is possible to do?

YANBU- it's either possible to drop to 4 days, or it's not possible. He's lied because he didn't fancy changing his working structure to fit in with your work, but suddenly it's easy as pie now it suits him. I wouldn't be happy, but it doesn't like he intends to budge.

I think that, if you are adamant that you don't want to use childcare, the solution might be that you work on (say) Monday, he does his new consulting job on a Tuesday, and then fits in his current academic work Wednesday to Saturday.

I was surprised to see this post from you Cailin, as you're normally quite authorative and sensible on other peoples posts! I know what you'd be advising if it was someone else who had written this...

He will get taxed 25% of one of his wages (he will be able to chose which one) and also the usual tax rate on the other job,after working it out does it still really make sense for him to do part time on both jobs or just stick with one? Personally if I was as keen as you are to work just one day a week then I would send the children into childcare for that one day if my dh refused to cut his hours down to look after them. I know the baby is only 5months so its harder to "let go" at that age but if its only 1 day a week she really won't suffer and probably won't know any different. Plus the staff would be very well trained and experienced and will ask you to write down her usual rountine and they will stick to that as closely as they possibly can so I wouldn't worry too much on that front.

Tbh if your dh is that set-against using childcare then he will simply just have to sacrifice a day of work won't he! Why should you always be the one to give in just to keep him happy! You've done enough of that already with moving and being a sahm since you had your first child so its high time he started making sacrifices and doing his bit at home looking after the kids instead of acting like a selfish arse expecting to have everything his own way all the time just because you've always given in.

Dig your heels in and keep them digged in! The kids will grow up fast and be at nursery/school before you know it so it will do you good in the long run to already have a job that you can then increase hours/days with when it becomes more suitable :)

I know StuntGirl - I feel a bit of a fraud! I'm quite able to state my case in most situations but when it comes to work I've always had so little confidence in myself. I've supported DH in his career because I feel he's a safe bet whereas if I'd insisted on us following my career I would have expected myself to fail and lead us all to ruin. The boss in this job has really boosted my confidence and I see for once that I am capable and I am doing a good job. I suspect in time she wants to hand the whole project over to me and that'll become a nice little earner in time.

I started talking to DH when he came home but I got too cross and had to stop. No point talking in anger. We'll talk tomorrow when I'm calm.

As everyone has said, YANBU. It does seem very unfair and disappointing. does Dh know how unhappy you are?

Sorry, cross post.

the one good thing about you getting cross is that he now knows that this is a serious thing.

Do you think you'd feel more comfortable with childcare if you looked at some local providers? I think you are totally not BU, but would hate for your determination to be undermined through natural worry about your DC. I've had childminders always and frankly think they are amazing. Much better at parenting than me!!

I was thinking that EATmum but would a CM be interested in work for just one day?

Definitely worth asking - some parents work 4 days/week, so CM would have extra spot on the one day.

YANBU at all. How selfish!

Using childcare for a day is a good solution, but your dh's attitude stinks.

A cm would definately be interested in 1 day particularly if you can be flexible on the day. My cm is great and my son loves going.

My dh moves around a lot with his job, but there is no possiblity of flexi or going part time. To continue my job, he initially had to do the majority of the picking up and dropping off. I get paid half what he does, but he values my job and knows it's important. We both make sacrifices, it wouldn't work otherwise.

There's two issues here.

Getting childcare will be relatively easy, and I'm sure you can find a really lovely solution.

But the fact that you DH is treating you like this is a much bigger issue.

You need to speak to him. Good luck.

I don't know how old you are cailin but i'm guessing you've got well over 20 working years in you yet and so given what you've said about your previous confidence around working and this opportunity I think you have to take it.

As to what is done with childcare for that day... well, how about you say to your DH 'I am going to be working on xxxdays from now on - what are you going to do about childcare?' - let him decide whether to drop a day at work or interview childminders or nurseries... with your input but ultimately his responsibility, I also think it's about time he was the primary point of contact for the childcare if he doesn't do it himself.

Finally, I can understand how p'd off you are about your dh's behaviour. It does stink. Sorry

YANBU

My DH is an academic. It's bloody easy to juggle things so you only have to work in the office 4 days. Several of his colleagues do - the kicker is time tabling and trying to move lectures. However he'll have months to sort that. he's being an arse!

Update: we talked about it today, calmly. I explained how i felt and he took it really well. He did try to make excuses for lying but i didn't accept them. We agreed that i'd start doing a full day in november and he'll sort the children out. So overall a good result but i admit i'm still a bit disappointed. I've made so many compromises without fuss that it annoys me that there had to be such a hoo ha about this.

Cailin well done for standing up for yourself.

The best possible take on the whole situation is that he has just got so used to having things set up to suit him and not make compromise that he has got to feel entitled to having that position within the family.
Hopefully when he steps back and has time to reflect he will realise that and take steps to avoid it happening in the future.

Exactly right alibaba, that's the gist of what i said to him. He was upset by it and tried to argue against it but he couldn't really.

He tried to argue against making the compromise or against you saying he has had it is own way too often and he has gotten used to it?

The latter bogey. I suppose it's not very nice to hear you have an entitled attitude. He's happy to make the compromise.

Well out of the two, that is the better one. He probably knows deep down that it is true, but as with anything negative, we will always argue against it.

If you both want to work then.. Use childcare? Many different types out there.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You've made the choices you wanted to make. You're presumably an adult and if you allowed your DH to twist your arm, that's your responsibility. It doesn't work to suddenly demand what you feel you're owed because you suddenly feel it's time your DH started giving something back (going down 5 days to 4). He doesn't know you're changing your approach. He's allowed to be confused. And many women would see it as a privilege to stay home. Not saying you should necessarily choose it, just trying to point out that your DH isn't entirely a bad egg for wishing to keep his professional life intact.

Was it your idea not to use childcare, or was it his? If it was yours, then you are being a little unreasonable to expect your DH to factor this in as if it was really, really important to him when it may not be. Given how men seem to compartmentalise, is there a chance he 'forgot' the big picture that you and he are aiming for?

I can think of very few jobs where it's really acceptable to go from 5 days to 4. Your DH may seem himself as the breadwinner with the most earning potential. This may to cave manish for you, but he may feel a little bit hurt, deep down that you don't seem to want him to do what's he's previously been doing, for the good of the family. I will come clean and say that my DH works to support the family and I consider myself lucky to be at home with the little un. That's not to say there aren't times (on a weekly basis) when I think longingly of work outside the home. But to ask my DH to step down from full-time work - no, to expect it as my due is not something I'd feel it was fair to ask. That said, I do think your DH needs to work harder at valuing your life goals.

Re: the lying. Yes of course that's not on. But that's not really about this issue, is it. Dishonesty is a whole other thread. When your DH was giving you all the reasons why he couldn't go from 5 days to 4 (and I don't think UABU to be hurt and angered by this) he was probably weighing the disadvantages of reduced hours - loss of job security/income/professional identity - against the advantages, and struggling to see them. Now, his position seems to have changed because he's weighing up reduced hours with a professional opportunity. As toadish as this is, he may genuinely not have realised that he was 'lying' to you. My PIL tell each other very weird versions of the truth that they seem to believe at the time.

Pommed I dont think the issue is about childcare, its about the fact that he said he couldnt do 4 days for the OP's job, but suddenly could to 3 for his own career. Their feelings on using childcare are what brought up his selfishness, it isnt the cause of the problem.

I don't think the problem is about him not wanting to do a day as a SAHP, so much as you not wanting to use childcare. I know it's going to depend on where he is / what his subject is / what his teaching commitment is, but my dh can't work at home, and he's an academic. It's also extremely difficult to get anywhere in his field if you are part time. To get the next contract, you always need to have to show the results you've got and the papers you've had published, or have contributed to. By doing consultancy work, he's not dropping a day at work as such, but extending his experience by working in a different area - it's hardly he same as working a day a week less.
If you both want to work, then the answer is to find a CM or a Nursery or a PT Nanny, not to expect either one of you to block opportunities.

I think your dh is being a bit unreasonable to not want to use childcare. Fair enough to want your DC to be looked after by a sahp only if you are the one prepared to stay at home.