to lie to dp about times so he doesnt make me late?

[muddyprints]

Dp is late for everything, he under-estimates how long things will take and leaves things till the last minute.

On 2 occasions in the last week he has been late home and caused me to have to rush somewhere leaving me stressed out.

1. parents evening, he was at a funeral and said he'd be back for 5 so book a slot for 5 onwards. I booked 5.30 to give him extra time as he shouldn't have to rush back. I have no car and its a 10 minute walk (longer with kids). At 5.25 he arrives home and looks puzzled as I rush out the door racing to school while he is slowly getting his bag out the car. I arrived hot and sweaty a few minutes late. his excuse, he offered someone a lift and had to wait for them to get some stuff out of his car.

1. dd2 needed to go docs, he said he would be home from the pub after work so 1 of us could drive her there for 5.45 appointment. dd1 was also ill and its a 30 min walk which she wouldn't have managed. he got home at 5.40 and couldn't understand me again racing past him with ill dd2 late as usual. his excuse, he had bought his friend a pint and friend was late to pub so he had to wait for him.

tonight he said hes going for a pint after work at 5, I have told him im taking dd1 to a disco at 6 and he has agreed to watch dd2. on leaving, he said "you don't want to be there at the start do you". I told him I don't have to be there dead on 6 but she will be tired later so don't want to go too late and it will take 15 mins to walk there. Ive asked him to be home by 6 so I can get her there before 6.30 but I have a feeling it will be later and im fed up of him making me late.

aibu to lie and alter times in the future?

Not just a sick child, but in both of the examples you give (and I've no doubt more abound) somebody else's needs trumps yours.

This isn't just timekeeping, it's pretty clear messages to you what he considers important or not.

I think the lateness is part of a bigger problem really. You have 2 sick children, 1 of whom needs to go to the doctor, a normal person would skip the pub and get home.

You could lie to him but I think really you should be getting angry and letting him have it.

I used to be a chronically late person, DH very much is not. What really made me change was A) realising just how much it really annoyed my lovely DH and B) realising it was much easier to just be on time than deal with all the aggro caused by being late.

Have you really let him know how awful this behaviour is?

I would (and have) fibbed about times. DH and I have different ideas about what being on time means. I like to be early for things like school concerts so that I can get a seat where I can actually see the performance, rather than wander in one minute before the start of the show and be stuck in a seat at the back where I can't see anything.

Why is he puzzled when he arrives home late and you rush off because it's made you late? I'd talk to him about that first.

Your post also seems to suggest that he might be drinking and driving. And why is he going to the pub after work when 2 of the dc are ill?

I do this with my DB and DSIL. They came for Christmas last year and I asked them to be there for 11am, knowing they'd turn up at one, just in time for lunch. If we have to be anywhere at a certain time, I'll give my DSIL an extra 45 minutes and my DB an extra 2 hours.

I do it all the time to DH. He has a mental block where time is concerned and is late for everything

He missed a ferry crossing this morning

I always shove an extra half hour hour or forty five minutes onto our leaving time - that way we have chance of getting away in time

I always tell DH that things are occuring 15-30mins before they do ,so he doesnt make us late.

YANBU

You have to be a bit smart - everyone has different ideas of time. If my daughter says she'll be there "between 7 and 7.30" she will arrive at 7.29. DH grossly underestimates the time it will take to do things - I multiply by 3. So if he says "5 minutes!" it's 15, if he reckons something will take 20 minutes that means I've got an hour.

If a journey takes 20 mins I allow 30 and DH allows 20, but then goes to the loo as he's leaving and wonders why he's late

Trouble with lying is that he will spot that even though he is "late" you aren't hurrying or panicking, so he will assume it's ok to stretch time again.

You need to tell him why you need him back. If he can't get how inconsiderate and obstructive his lateness is, he needs telling in no uncertain terms.

Is he late to meet the boys in the pub?

I have been known to tell DH we're leaving half an hour before we actually need to set off. He just takes such a long time to get ready, and FIL is exactly the same, so he's used to it and thinks it's ok. He does manage to get to important things on time, to be fair.

I think the drink-driving is a bit of a red herring. OP hasn't said that her DH has had more than he should, and a lot of people, especially men (because they're usually bigger and metabolise alcohol differently) are fine after one or two. DH was breathalysed once after 2 pints and a pub dinner, and was fine. He nearly cacked himself and now won't have more than one and a half, but I trust him to make that call for himself. He's an adult and a good person and wouldn't want to put himself, me or any other road users in danger, but he's a big man and his body can process it. I couldn't, so wouldn't do it.

Drink driving a lot of people, especially men (because they're usually bigger and metabolise alcohol differently) are fine after one or two
sorry but I fundamentally disagree
his kids are not seeing him come home from work sober
and IF he had an accident, the alcohol, no matter how little, WOULD be a contributory factor

why does he hide in the pub rather than come home to his kids and you?

Me and my DH lie to his mum about times if she's babysitting for us,she is always late for absolutely everything,regardless of how important or routine it is! Her youngest son is 9 and she has never once been on time collecting him from school,she's always a good 10-15mins late,minimum,just for that basic task!

I'd say try lying to him about times in the hope he stops making you late,but I'd try that after you've laid into him about his constant shoddy time keeping (going to assume these are just 2 of 100s of examples) and putting having a pint with his mates after work before his sick children and his wife who has had the job of single-handedly looking after them all day! The kids come first,especially when they're sick,and its high time he grew up and learnt that!

I'd also stop letting him take the car as well if he sees no problem with his time-keeping issue! Let's see how quickly he adjusts his time-keeping skills when he has to walk or use public transport to get around and get to and from work...

YANBU, and I've recently started to do this with my own DH as he drives me absolutely crackers with his lateness!
If we have to be somewhere by say 2pm, I tell him we have to be there at 1.30pm.
It works out we actually get there at the time we're supposed to if I do that.

YANBU. I always give at least a 10-20% overestimation where OH is concerned. If he tells me that he will be back in an hour - he will be an hour and a half at least.
If I need him back by 6 then I'll tell him to be back by half five - and he will be back at 6.

I've given up trying to teach him manners time keeping.

glad to know I'm not alone

YANBU. He is showing you no respect. What he doesn't know won't hurt him....

I do this when taking flights. DP is normally very punctual but for some reason when catching a plane he likes to cut it very very fine and we have had one too many near misses and stressful starts to holidays to allow that to continue.

YANBU.

Why is he going to the pub when you have an ill child? Is he driving home having been drinking? And you should have the car.

I think he needs to get his priorities a bit straight, he doesn't seem bothered.

YANBU. One of my friend's is awful for this so we always tell her an hour hour and a half earlier.

My family (god bless 'em) have form for being late, total last minute faffers. I can't stand it .

If we're ever going anywhere together or doing anything I tell them slight time fibs, maybe 15 mins earlier at the most. That gets them there on the actual time. Do I feel guilty for lying? Do I bollocks

I always lie about times to dh. It is a long term solution, I have been doing it for over 20 years!

He's just crap at time management and will always think he can fit 20 minutes worth of stuff into 5 minutes, and will never account for transition times of any sort. He knows this and I know it, so I tell him he has to be here/ready to leave/whatever at least 30 minutes before he actually has to, and he plans things in such a way that he thinks he will be on time for me. And is 30 minutes late, invariably.

I don't actually tell him what time the the thing is, btw, just what time I expect him to be doing x, y, or z. If he was miraculously on time once, then I would have more time before we had to leave, which would be nice. Alas it does not happen.

YANBu I've done it, with friends/ family I know will be late

Both my Mum and DH are often late.
I've realised if I say" you need to be here for 5.45," at 5.45 they will think" Oh I'd better get moving".
So I say what time they need to leave wherever they are, rather than what time they need to arrive ( building in a little extra time,) which seems to work.
They just don't seem able to calculate that if you need to be somewhere 15 mins away, then you need to deduct 15 mins from the arrival time! Plus, as someone else said, building in time to go to the toilet, find keys etc.!

Yanbu!!

I do this all the time

DH does it to me as I'm the one who runs late. I don't mind. I do it to myself by writing appointment times 15-30 mins early on the calendar too.

Yes and no.

You're infantilising him by taking responsibility away for getting to places on time.

OTOH he sounds like a self centred knob so I suppose do what you have to regardless of his self respect.

Maybe have a look at yours though, and ask why you put up with this shit?

I do this all the time :-o